Travelodge
6909 Sepulveda Blvd.
Van Nuys, CA 91405


29th March 2006 0012

I'm using local timing for this as in the time over here. Kinda gonna do a electronic diary, sorta like last year except it’s on the computer rather than pieces of papers. But why not blog? Well, cos this first stop, getting Net Access is quite a arduous task. So I’m gonna write and save all my entries and post em up as and when I can get net access. Which is fine anyway. I don’t spend too much unnecessary time online this way. Tho I very much wanna keep in contact with peeps but it’s fine.

A lil brief on this tour. Very very different from last year. Last year was much better planned compared to this year. This year was horrible. A lot of cock ups all over and the silliest thing is, everyone’s all clueless and there’s no proper head. Due to a sudden leaving of key people, this tour is very much going around headless. Which sucks cos it makes us doing our job not only difficult but also doubly troublesome as we end up doing dumb things cos no ONE person actually can tell who to do what. And I obviously can’t do it cos well, I’m not equipped to do so, duh. Not expecting myself to. And the supposed groomed people or next in line are like fuck seriously. In fact, things are so bad, I don’t even know what’s the arrangement like for next week. And not to mention, we’re so under-staffed due to current arrangements. We had expected local crew to be helping us at the theatre. Now, problem is, we aint’ IN a theatre. We’re currently rehearsing at a studio and there’s none of those stage hands we had assumed would be present to help us with loading and set up. So you see a lot of silly things being done by the wrong people which is seriously pissing cos we’re going out of our job scope.

Anyway, that aside, this trip has been quite draggy for me but yet at the same time, despite feeling like it’s a long week -it being only day 4 of the work week and all- I’m actually discovering a lot of things here and there. Not just from experience here but also reading. When I travel for this tour, I’ve somehow made a habit of getting a book to read. Usually it’s for the long flight over but I end up not finishing the book and in fact, getting more than I can read ON the flight, so I try to finish up during the rest of the tour. So currently, I’m reading this book by Paulo Coelho (seems like a routine cos last year, I bought another one of his book as well) titled The Devil And Miss Prym. It’s quite a nice book and as usual, very insightful about life. That’s what I love about his books. Anyway, there are a couple of quotes from his book that I find very inspiring.

I’ve always been very uncertain of my next step in life, going over to Cali and well, starting a new life studying and all. I mean, I know it’s something I wanna do but yet at the same time, I’m afraid that I might not meet the challenges OR the expectations laid upon me. Or worse, what I thought was my dream, might not be such. So far, I’m pushing for it cos it’s something I think I really want. I mean, as time goes, I’m very afraid it’s not something I want. But yet, I’m also certain it’s something I can imagine myself doing for the next 30 years. So it’s sorta see-sawing. Anyway, one line appealed to me a lot and made a lot of sense as to my uncertainty in coming over.

“She had just realised that there were two things that prevents us from achieving our dreams: believing them to be impossible or seeing those dreams made possible by some sudden turn of the wheel of fortune, when you least expected it. For at that moment, all our fears suddenly surface: the fear of setting off along a road heading who knows where, the fear of a life full of new challenges, the fear of losing for ever everything that is familiar.People want to change everything and, at the same time, want it all to remain the same.”

Maybe some of us know this already but somehow, where you spell out a probable problem, it seems more apparent what you should really do. I think we as humans are afraid of change. I think I am. I mean, we want a change, even NEED a change BUT often, we’re too afraid of taking the plunge. We’re too afraid of uncertainty.

I was talking to one of the dancers earlier in the week. He’s a Taiwanese with an American citizenship but he still works in Taiwan from time to time. Now, he was telling me that our culture –asian and western- is very different. How we present ourselves, how we behave, how we react and participate. He was saying this pertaining to a simple class or even dancing rehearsals. They are more vocal, more willing to show off even and I could even go as far to say that they’re more willing, daring even, to put themselves out there, to push the boundaries beyond their comfort zone or certainty just to try. I think that’s where our cultures differ. We as Asians are mainly reserved. We’re humble often enough, and well, let’s just say, during social events, tend to try to blend into the crowd rather than take centrestage. Granted, there ARE exceptions. I’m sure both have their merits and minus points.

I wish I could put myself out there more. To not be so afraid of new things. To go out of my comfortability and just do stuff. I guess, I need to be more like how I used to think about picking up girls at the bar. I mean, we’re all afraid to take that first step for fear of rejection, but come on, without that try, we’re not even attempting to open that door let alone know if it’s locked or open.

Honestly speaking, if it really wasn’t for my brother egging me to go overseas, I probably won’t push myself as much as I did to go, which I don’t think I am anyway. But I can’ rely on him forever. I need to be self-motivated.

I find myself silly at times. I cherish life yet think nothing of it being over the next minute. I want to make full use of my time being alive, yet allow the fear of change and new things, uncertainty, to get in my way.

The same goes for my love life, I’m beginning to feel. This whole fear of change bit and the fear of losing this comfortability with who I’m having. I was thinking about this in the shower earlier.

A part of me believes that no matter how much Y changes, she’ll never be the person I want her to be. Maybe, at one point in time, I might have believed that she could’ve been and I might have accepted that. But somehow, I feel that the window has closed and she has lost me through time. Maybe I wasn’t accepting of her past efforts and matters really lie with me. All I know is, I’m telling myself to give her a chance and that maybe she might just turn to be the person I want at the end of the day (wonder why I can’t just accept) but yet, even as each change is being orchestrated by her, I somehow don’t feel myself changing how I perceive or even think further in the future or think and consider that she might be part of my life. But she’s really taking a plunge but I very much fear that it’s cos of me she’s taking the plunge. But hopefully I’m just being too cocky in this case and that she’s really having her best intentions at heart. But it does hearten me to hear her trying to get a job here and all.

And again, the whole deal with me and new things coming upon me. I’ve already been having a set mentality that I won’t be having her with me for my period of working here. And I’m even hoping this time would separate us eventually.

In fact, a selfish part of me wants to see how the rest of the people around the rest of the world are. And another silly part of me thinks, so cool to have a mixed blood kid :p I’m serious, I really think it cool lah. But for all these things I supposedly desire, I daren’t not take the risk. To take the plunge. But somehow, it feels different from going for my dreams. Somehow, these don’t seem to feel that important but yet is a nagging desire of mine. And I even think there IS some truth in what critics are saying about me, that if I’m actually thinking all these, then really, Y isn’t for me or the person I eventually wanna be with. Else, I wouldn’t think all these and would just focus on my relationship with Y rather than letting all these other distractions get to me. I can’t help but agree.

Might be why I actually think Y isn’t the one I wanna be with for whatever reason. Tho I’m not sure which came first really. Very chicken and egg theory. My uncertainty causing my desires or my desires causing my uncertainty. Should I take the plunge as I’m trying to in many other aspects?

I’m very uncertain about that and I’m hoping that when I return, the answer would be clearer to me or even present itself to me. Or maybe I’ll have more courage to tell her the truth -that I can’t be certain that I’ll stay faithful or am even certain that she’s the one for me. Sigh, stay tuned for ‘neworder’s drama man. :S

1st April 2006, Saturday 1519 (USA time), 0719 Sunday (SG time)

Sigh, I had a very disturbing call today. I was walking down Rodeo Drive down at Beverly Hills. Was told that it was the stretch which Julia Roberts had walked in “Pretty Woman”. So anyway, I wasn’t expecting to shop or anything, just take a look look see see before going back to work. I received an unexpected call from Y. Let’s just say I didn’t really know what to say cos she wasn’t herself and rambling about me not thinking about her when I think of going overseas to study.

Through the ten minutes, I was really dumbstrucked. I really didn’t know what to reply cos all these were all that she was feeling deep down inside. All the “I’ll be ok”s and “I’ll be fine”s don’t matter anymore cos it’s the real deal. They were all a facade. As she once puts it, a masquerade.

Things can’t get more moral dilemma than this. Here I have someone claming she can’t do without me but yet on the other hand, I have something I want to do. I feel that if I leave her, it’s like being immoral and just leaving her in the wild with nothing to fend for herself. Much worse is that she was someone I had wanted to take care of and somehow, I feel I can’t do that anymore.

I’m so confused. On one hand, I’m thinking that she won’t hold out long on her own, yet on the other, people around and even she is telling me that I should give her more credit. Yet the call and other things just throws everything off.

So much of me tells me that the right way is really to end it. Some have said holding on would be selfish of me and I, too, think so. Another reason would be if I remove myself from the equation, her expectation of me would be not existent. She would be free to find whoever and whatever support she wants, she would not have a reason to hold on to the hope of me.

Today’s call strengthened affirmed my decision to leave her sooner. I dunno why. Much of me says to leave, yet a part of me wants to hope that maybe the time apart would really change her and hopefully into someone I would be tolerable towards. But yet, today’s call also weakens the decision cos it makes it tougher for me to let her go knowing she’s gonna be such a state.

I don’t know. I just think that at the end of the day, her life would be so much simpler without me in the picture to complicate things. To make her wish and wonder if I’ll ever return. Isn’t there a decision that doesn’t require me breakin up with her? I don’t know of one. I could hold on, like I said, for a year and see how it goes. But like I said, after today’s call, I don’t even know if that’s a possibility.

How abt the extreme of not going because of her? Somehow, I don’t think anybody ever expects me to do that and neither do I. But during the call, I really felt that I should. I feel as if that she was my child to be nurtured and to leave, I would be forsaking, throwing her out in the streets to feed herself. But I know that if I were to stay because of her, I will grow to eventually detest her. When I see her, I would be reminded of a possible dream lost. Or that she stands in the way of what could have been.

She was constantly asking me, have I ever thought about her? Truth of the matter was really no. Too much of my future is too uncertain and I can’t make promises or guarantees on things that I can’t even be sure of. But then, the million dollar question will really be. Do I think she’s the one for me? And the answer would be, “not yet”. I keep hoping that she would be someone slightly different but maybe in having this answer, I’ve already answered the rest of my problems. If she’s anything to be what I want, then it would’ve already happened in the 3 years together. But yet, with me not being around, the factors are different.

But yet, it feels wrong to stay in a relationship, hoping from this someone else to change. I’ve learnt something else about myself in this trip. My colleague bunking in with me is sick and I think I do quite a good job taking care of him. Then it struck me that I could take care of a person BUT it doesn’t mean I wanted to do so all the time. I just have that ability. I don’t need, have or want to do it all the time. And when I don’t do it, don’t fault me cos I haven’t done it just cause I’ve always been doing it and now when I don’t, you fuck me for it. My colleague didn’t do that of course.

But somehow, things have changed. Twas a time when I said to her, “you’re someone I can imagine myself taking care of”, now was no longer such a case. I have to end it.

I fear that I’m just running away from things. I wonder to myself, just what is it about settling that’s so scary. I believe that I personally don’t think I’ve seen enough, experienced enough or ventured enough to actually settle down. And now, I have such an opportunity. Knowing this and having to ground myself just for her, I’ll hate her. But if I really did love her as much as is needed, couldn’t I make such a sacrifice and be alright with it? I’m going in circles. I think I know the answer to that.

I guess at the end of the day, I want to fly. And I already have enough passivity in me to stop myself from doing so, and when I finally do go about things, I have another factor pulling me back.



1st April 2006, Saturday 2202 (US time), Sunday 1402 (SG time)
I keep having her words repeating in my head. And everything just points to me forsaking her. Me being heartless and selfish, pursuing what I want without any consideration for her. Leaving her behind, that’s all I can think.

I don’t doubt her feelings for me. In fact, sometimes I wonder what it is about me that makes her can’t bear to see me leave. Are her feelings of love that strong for me? And if so, what does it say of me? Or is it just a matter of not being able to let go of something she’s used to having around? Seriously, how does one really know? Maybe we all deal with things differently. And that me not feeling the way she does, doesn’t mean I don’t miss her or don’t love her. And the age old question would arise, what’s love? Does care and concern equals love? Is the amount of sacrifice we make for a person a measure of our love?

I don’t doubt that she’s doing a bit to be with me. Well, more than I am anyway. Least she’s attempting to source for a job here. How much, I ain’t sure. But definitely much more than what I am doing anyway. But here’s the thing. I don’t think there’s much I can really do on my part cept NOT go away. Seemingly, it’s easier for her to do something active to make an attempt as compared to me. What can I do? Propose?

That’s not the way to go. Marriage isn’t something you use to affirm something or to make one feel secure about a relationship or to give a person a sense of relief that this is going to turn out alright. Marriage, I feel, is something that 2 people who seriously are prepared to spend the rest of their lives together and well, in some way, a formality to seal the deal.

Are we two ready? She probably would say that she is and I seriously have no inkling where she gets that notion from either. Am I really that in the dark about things and am I the one who’s going around in the relationship with my eyes closed or is she the one who’s not opening her eyes fully and seeing things for what they are rather than what she wants it to be?

I wanna say tt all these don’t matter cos end of the day, the right thing to do is to break off anyway cos it’s better for her in the long run. But yet, if I really do think she’s the one for me, shouldn’t I do something to assure her and salvage the situation. As said, I have not given her anything. But maybe that’s it. I don’t think I have anything to offer.

Truth of the matter really is, I have no promises to give, no guarantees, no assurances. All I can do is hope that things would be well. Deep within me, to me, the right thing would be to let her go and let her be free (tho who’s to say that maybe she’d be better off being with me). This will never be fair for her. What’s worse is I can’t be sure how long I’d stay either. It could be a year. I might not return for 2 years. Or even 4. Right now, I can’t say.

It’s seriously saddening, cos end of the day, I do think that she would be a good wife to have eventually. She’s wifey material tho she lacks the understanding I would that she would have.

So am I to keep hoping she develops this understanding? And by having this hope, this prerequisite, is it impeding the development of the relationship? Shouldn’t I just accept the way she is right now? Must I be so critical about things?

I’ve been through all these before and I could do so over and over again, but seriously what’s the conclusion? I’m seriously at a loss but now, I’m veering more to leaving her cos I feel that’s the right thing to do. But I can never be strong enough to follow through with it. The last time, I was motivated and driven by anger. But this time, all I have pushing me is guilt. I don’t want her to wait for nothing cos I doubt that she would be my number 1 priority for the next few years and I don’t think she can handle that. I’m not sure anyone could do that. Stand being 2nd. She deserves someone so much so much better. A person who can be ready to provide for her. Who is ready and able to give her to give her the world. I can’t do that yet. Til I conquer what I wish to, I could never give her the attention she craves and desires. And for all that she’s done, I feel very sorry about it.

I could say a million sorries to her but I realise that at the end of the day, all that it ever achieves is to make myself feel better cos it seems that I’m doing something about it. In that, saying I’m sorry, apologising, would be an active act of redemption. I had wanted to apologise for all the hurt I’ve caused her due to my decision and maybe even to my selfishness but I realise it would be for not/naught/nought as there is not redeeming act in just apologising. It seeks not to remedy what’s happened or to make a hurt person hurt less. And in my helpless case, it’s really all I can ever do and in actuality, I’ve done what I can and in that sense, me leaving her, is really my last redeeming act (as the song by Li Sheng Jie goes anyway).



2nd April Sunday 2242 (US time), Monday 1342 (SG time)

Didn’t really think much about the Y issue today. But when I did, all I kept hearing was her asking me not to go. :( I can’t erase her voice, her distress and the emotions that came with it. Apart from me winching on the inside, I couldn’t really develop any thoughts. Funny feeling I might forget about things when the month’s up.

On another note, I went to walk around my area at the hotel. Gonna be staying here for another week. It’s sorta boring that there isn’t any internet cos I can’t research where I wanna go or even plan a road trip down to Pasadena. I’m thinking it’s quite near but well, without net access, I can’t be sure. So far, I’ve yet to get the 2 items I was hoping to purchase here –a detailed map of California and a nice jacket for the cold. So far the only one I’ve seen so far, from the one pathetic mall I visited, cost 80USD, is Nike but don’t seem that fantastic for the price. I mean, yeah, it’s thick and all but I couldn’t bear to pay the price.

Anyway, I explore my area a little and picked up a couple of information along the way on used cars as well as apartment rental. Also, walking around allowed me to have a look on the different conditions of apartments (from the outside anyway). I walked for 40-50 mins to one location and managed to see the old rundown ones as well the nicey nice ones.

There’s lots to plan before I get here and I’m thinking first thing would be to set up a bank account, get my driver’s license approved, get a car and then followed by a home. Least if I can’t get a place, I still can stop by a motel and continue on the following day. Now, I just need to figure out how fast a driver’s license gets approved here and how silly the test is gonna be. Once that is done, rent a car and attempt to get a car used or brand new.

I was looking at the cars and I think I was sorta getting too carried away by all the nicey funky cars. I’m like so tempted to get a nice fast car. U noe, like a Impreza? I saw this Mitshubishi Eclipse over here and it’s super drool man. But for the same price, I could get a normal sedan like a Toyota Corolla or a Honda Accord LX or even Hyundai something. But all these are all used cars for 2 years or some even a few months old.

I think I need to keep myself in check, remembering that I’m not exactly rolling in dough so well, modest is the key.

But yet, as I look around, I realise I too used to a certain lifestyle and a certain perception of myself. Along with this ideology, I’ve always had this thing about falling into stereotypes. Stereotyped as a guy or stereotyped as anything.

I told myself when I get here, I will never ever be a waiter or cleaner or anything. I mean, back home, I wouldn’t have minded all that much. But here, somehow, all you see are the minorities working these jobs. And somehow, my pride just doesn’t allow it. I mean, I could be seen as such walking on the street but I don’t want to allow more reason to be viewed as a 2nd or 3rd class citizen (whichever it is). So I could get a used car but I refuse to drive a run down car or enter a budget store or anything. I dunno, the pride just doesn’t allow it. And all this time, I thought I wasn’t that proud a person but I guess I don’t wanna be looked down upon. But I dunno, maybe after a year, it won’t be that much of an issue for me. Maybe, maybe not.. We’ll know eventually. But as much as possible, I don’t wanna enforce a stereotype.

Anyway, I’ll write again soon I hope. Need to sleep early tonight.