I'm pretty sure there was something I wanted to blog abt my r/s but I can't really rememebr now. But I'm sorta killin time cos I'm backin up all my data on dvd cos the hdd is sounding funky on me. And figured best I do it now in case it dies and well, my future plans will go up in smoke.

Now... I'm sorta having some issues with Y... AGAIN.. but hey, dun get it wrong, tt's not why we didn't go out on V'day. But strangely enuff, we DID haf a arguement on the day itself eventually. Go figure.

But the past 2 weeks, I just totally enjoyed her company. Gave me something I needed for my work even tho I didn't expect her to notice, she bot it anyway. i thought it was sweet. At that moment, I felt like marrying her.. Well, for that brief moment anyway.

But we argued again. Lemme be more specific. I mentioned the forbidden people's names again and she wasn't happy. so technically, it ain't an arguement. An argument requires 2 people to be unhappy and angry at each other. And in this case, it was just one sided. Well, anyway, I, shamefully, poodled for a while.. trying to cool n calm her down but saw tt it wasn't going anyway so i just ended the conversation.

I realised that normally, I wouldn't give 2 hoots about her being all unhappy and all thinkin it's really not my fault you can't deal. BUT... I felt weak. I reason it to all the time of being too happy and comfy with her and not to mention, tt unexpected gift oso made me more wobbly. And I guess the normal instinct would be to reciprocrate by being appreciative one way or another. But yet, I tried hard to remember the code of the poodle. Well, suffice to say, I didn't bother about her that much after a few hours.

I think it's becos she's been so nice, I feel that I owe it to her, tt sorta thing. So should take the blame cos you've been so nice lately. But seriously, it really was heavenly the past few weeks. BUT Noooo... she had to quash it all.

As I was mentionin in a chat, she doesn't realise that each time she does something like this, I love her a little less each time. Then, my chat partner rebutted that it might apply the same; that each time I say things unpleasant to her ear, she loves me a lil less. Might be true. But if that's the case, then it's forcing me to be not my normal self, in order to please. Then one would say, then it'd require her not to be HER normal self in order to please me. but seriously i think her normal self is more destructive than my normal self but I guess it's all sorta subjective, who really can say.

But this discussion lead to me wondering. Seriously then, why do we hold on then. Cos right now, I'm holding on, in hope, that things would be better, different, changed. A.k.a, she would change for the better and we'll live happily ever after. WRONG. I'm begining to think that it's all a bad idea. Hoping that your partner would change. It creates too much friction. Cos if you wished your partner to change, it means you ain't accepting her for who she is and that whatever he/she says/does, would always get to you. I kill her with my words and what I say, she kills me with her non-verbals as well as what she does.

I realise, most of my r/s, I've always held on in hope that things would change. With my ex, I'd hope situations on her side would change. It's not the cause of our break up, but years later, with her current? It's still the same problem there. I was thinkin that time would solve everything. Man was I wrong. And what about in the case of Y. Yes, she IS a nice lady but I seriously detest the attitudes she gives me at times.

Another discussion was on 'why people keep their options open with regards to potential other halves despite being attached themselves'. They're not secure with their current r/s. In my case, history shows tt it's Y tt's not secure. But of course, the constant debate would be, maybe it's cos I don't give her security. That we don't plan for our future and stuff like that. But my rebuttal really, is, ever asked why I don't give you the security? Yes I say I love you but with you always giving me the attitude, I don't think I can live with that. If you asked me to marry such a person I'd say no, I won't. I would choose not to have a future with someone who constantly gives me probelms for the things I say. I seriously love talking. Talking about everything that goes on in my life. A lil self centred, I know, but I thrive in it. Don't get me wrong, I'm equally willing to listen to everyone else's as well. My gal, even more. But if I HAVE to start censoring every other thing that happens in my day, seriously, wtf is there to talk about? I can't tok about my interests cos u're clueless about that. I can't tok about my daily life cos my activities and who i communicate with dun go smoothly with wadeva the fuck it is you have aproblem with. So seriously, WHAT THE FUCK is there to talk about?

Granted, it's not always bad. yes there are plus points to being with her. But am I wasting my time in hoping? And is it causing a breakdown in the r/s by doing so rather than accepting her for who she is and that that's how she is. Just prissy about stuff.

Seriously, just hope she really finds a better guy when I"m gone. At the end of the day, the r/s doesn't benefit her much and she has too much to lose if things ever go wrong whereas for me. Well, I don't have a curfew or any deadlines so... yah..

I dunno... Anyway.. I've been touching up my work these few days so do excuse me if I'm not very chatty. Kinda busy. Thanks a doodle. Cheerios. Wad was it i said. Take care dudes and dudettes.. or somethinglike tt..