BE WARNED: MAJOR GF BITCH ENTRY

Can't quite remember the vibe I had for the last entry so I'm writing a new one anyway.

We had a discussion last night. Was quite a tense see-saw ride really. It actually started out well... with her suggesting an alternative of her coming over to teach (thot I suggested that but maybe better when it came from someone else, i dunno.) at some international school. I dunno, I had thought that she might give up already but yet she's still trying very hard to hold on while on my side, I'd every much be more relieved if she lead her life the way she would want to. I guess, in some way, I wouldn't have to feel responsible.

I could've nodded away at her suggestion and just kept mom... but somehow, 'be fair' just kept poppin into my head. I'm not sure if it's cos of what X had said earlier. I didn't keep my mouth shut. I was thinkin that this was a huge thing happening and I should only be fair to let her know some things on my side.

I told her the reason why I didn't wanna marry her right here and now besides it being for the wrong reason. Simply cos I didn't think she was the one I could marry. Least not the her now. I'd said it wasn't fair to expect her to change into something I'd thought would be best. She asked if after the years apart, she hadn't change, then what? Here comes the 'winning' line, 'then i'd marry you out of obligation'. Yes, it's durign the times I don't think much.

Well, needless to say, i wasn't quite aware of what I had said. But she took it rather badly. Defended herself saying it's not like she's a horrible person to be with. True, she ain't. In fact, apart from this thing I can't stand about her, she's rather quite alright to live with.

She had also mentioned that I always want to think that I'm right and always want to win. And also how I always came up with my own theories. Somehow, this reminded me very much of a conversation i was having with a friend where she had complained about how her ex thinks she always tries to win her arguement with the theories she creates. I was defending that and saying it was alright cos I always believed that end of the day, there wasn't realy a right or wrong but who does a better job arguing it. And wow, less than a week, Y tells me that i'm such!! : I still don't think it's a problem somehow.

But end of the day, she asks, what exactly is it about her that I don't like. I said that it was just how she deals with situations. Couldn't I accept the way she was? I said I couldn't because it affects the both of us. It affects how I portray myself to her. I couldn't be natural. It's not like it's a constant thing that I have to do. But I want to share things with ehr without worrying how she would think or react. As I said before when I was getting back to her. I want to be cool with EVERYTHING. If i gotta work in a compromising situation where nudity is invovled, then be glad that I got such an opportunity and encourage. And not be a superbitch about things. I'm thankful in those instances I hold my ground n not end up relenting just to appease her.

I guess I could say all these now cos I feel I got nothing to lose as it is. I'm already prepared should this r/s need to end. And ultimately, I still think it'll be better for her if she was with someone else through this time. Esp when i couldn't guarantee her what she wants. Or maybe end of the day, I just ain't sure if I might find someone there, as she says, and I didn't wanna be responsible for someone else here.

I'm not really sure really. Or maybe I'm just commitment phobic and that the idea of marriage just scares the shit out of me. To be with a person for a lifetime. That's just scary. You can't meet anymore people, expand your social circle. i dunno, it's just not something I wish to stop. Your life just consists of you 2. It's scary. Or maybe end of the day, I just ain't ever happy witrh what I got. And the underlying reason is simply cos I just don't think she's the right for me for the most basic reason I had told her in our first year, she's not someone I can talk to. Cos end of the day, she's really of a different frequency. She doesn' challenge me, and I don't feel stimulated enough. It's just a flatline....

Somehow, I get this sinkin feeling I'll be happier with someone else. BUt yet, I can't help to wonder, is it me at the end of the day. Past a 3year mark, I try to find means, reasons and ways to end something. Even tho the past one was sorta a borpian sorta thing but I WAS the one who opened my mouth to initate things. I dunno. Maybe it's just a me syndrome and that in truth, everyone else around really don't have a problem.

But yet, I can't seem to ignore the things that plague us. I told her I just couldn't stand the time when we had to argue, really for silly things I didn't understand. But maybe that's just it, I didn't understand. And if I did from her standpoint, I probably would, well, understand the reason for her being pissed and all. But comeon, to name call and say you don't mean it and it was a spur of a moment thing? It may be true but it's too convenient and I will always link it to if it was justified if I hit her when I was angry. Somethings just isn't excuseable. And if I was drunk and turned out to be a wife beater, does it mean it's excuseable jsut cos I wasn't in my right state of mind. My arguement is that, emotional abuse IS still a form of abuse. Anyhoo, nowadays, I having a lower tolerance of her nonesense and am actually retaliating back. Though some might advise against it, i'm fighting fire with fire by being a no nonesnese dude and shooting her back for what she does. And I'm not being very stingy with my adjectives either. Yes I'm being bitter about things but I want her to see what she's done in the past years. Yes, she says she still understands and tries to take it. But in my defence, i say, everyone tries at the initial stages. So did I. I tried to be patient and just took it. But 3 years down, serioulsy, do you thin there's no limit to a person tolerances and patience?

Her arguement was that she's been trying and why couldn't I see that she's changing. And I said, unless I saw a sign of it happening, I'll never think otherwise. And she says tt I've already stereotyped her. Maybe so but it's still only natural. I tried to reset things when we patched back after a amonth but it never seemed to have changed. it's really a lose lose situation for her. Cos she has to attain a perfect score. If she flares up just once, then it'd simply mean she hasn't changed even tho she has been trying.

But hey, I'm sorry man, I just ain't about to keep testing water every 2 months to see how she's improved. Burn me often enough, I learn not to even thread that path at all. yes I am bitter when going through this method but least I'm safe. I still maintain we all have a temper. And I too have a temper. But it's all a matter of trigger and control and being fuckin fair to the people around you. So you let your temper go to the people you love but yet hold your tongue to your friends? But who knows, maybe that IS the deal. You show your lvoed one the best and worst of you. It's a no wonder why some people just prefer to be friends or choose their friends over lovers.

I dunno, we'll see how this ends. Maybe for her sake, I'll jus test water once and just prove to her what I mean. Cos she couldn't understand what it was about her that I can't stand or dislike. We'll see.