Haven't actually been blogging for a week. Been kinda busy wif cleanin my room and the normal festive duties during this period really.

And to top it off, haven't been feelin well. Headaches and sinuses being clogged and all. More than normal. Weirdly enuff, I managed to supress the virus but still got the blow of it at the ending stages. IE to say, i skipped the body aches and the sort throats but got the ending stages of the virus which is the clogged sinues (for me anyway) and head aching from it.

Anyway, was lying in my bed, thinkin of rest and I had an urge to blog or rather a realisation which I felt a need to pen. And weirdly enuff, explain it.

Someone had commented that last yr was supposedly to be a bad year for us but I had thought it alright really. But someone corrected me on that, and I didn't really know what that meant really. Was it between me n her or was it other aspects of my life I wasn't aware of.

I couldn't help but think about school.

Strangely enough, my final project was one thing I was glad to be over and done with. Not because it was tedious. Sure it was, but that wasn't teh reason. It was more on the people dynamics really. Til this day, I still feel the tensions from then. Maybe it's just me. I dunno but there are some things I'm choosing not to forget and to serve as a reminder that it is really indeed a harsh and cruel world. In fact, there are some things I would never ever tell anyone simply because it's really not proud moments of my life that I'd like to share cos end of the day, i don't think there was anything that was worth to learn from there that was worth sharing. I don't think it was a positive experience either unlike my break up with my ex.

My attitude in school had always been somewhat more business liked than anything. I wasn't much of a social person in yr 1. Least i didn't think I was. I was very very focused in my studies (something I felt I faltered along the way). I liked one character trait about myself which i actually learnt to sorta perfect a lil better when in army. In army, there'd always be instances of stupid qs. IE to say, questions that had been asked or explained during a lesson but yet, had been asked again at the end. Think it was JC. Maybe it was me, or maybe someone else, but there'd always be disgruntled mumbling when a repeat qs was asked cos most people see it as a prolonging of time, keepin them further from their endeavours. But in poly, I prided myself in asking what I thought was 'interllectual' qs (least during technical classes anyway, was nvr good in theories) which some people mgiht be thinkin but never had the gall to ask it for fear it would be a silly qs. To prevent such a thing, I made sure I listened attentively during classes (which sadly very often didn't retain past the week). A trait which I felt turned against me in the periods to come.

End of the day, I felt a lesser need to trust people OR to rely solely on one person and if there was a person to be relied on, it really was me. I didn't like the idea of being held at the mercy of one person. Where the future of a project was because of one person, least other than me anyway.

But maybe I had it coming. I got complacent and didn't fill the shoes that I was supposed to be filling. But events just lead me to not to trust people too easily irregardless of how close they were. Least when work is concerned anyway. At the end of the day, the rules of being a professional still holds, no matter how chummy one might be.

Which is the reason I value the friendship I have with the bros. As I mentioned before, it's pure. Tho there might be friction from time to time, the kool thing is, we never really took things to heart or allowed it to burn a mark in ourselves such that we hold hostility towards another. But maybe in purely friendship, it's easier this way. I wonder if work and friends ever mix, would it still work as well? Anyway, it might be just me who's feeling this.

My point is, I needed to remember who I really was and what I needed to do. As much as possible, I should try never to rely too much on one person. The key thing is really 'too much'. Sure, you could ask a person for a favour or something but always, ALWAYS, have a contingency plan and know what needs to be done and that you're not left crippled if this person is removed from the equation altogether. Humans, even ourselves, are too unpredictable. But at least with yourself, you cut down the uncertainty abit more cos you, YOU.. have the control.

Honestly speakin, I really hated the whole project. (schizo, shuush to anyone on this). I hated the people dynamics or group dynamics in this matter. I loved what I learnt in the process of the project, don't get me wrong, but I never felt it entirely happy or enjoyable. And more than often, I worried too much what other people thought tho people worried I didn't listen what people thought. It's ironic.

Lately, it's sorta coming back to haunt me again. Me not listening that is. Here I am accusing the later generations and the people in my household of not listening and I myself might be guilty of it. I'm not tryin to be funny about the whole Y accusing me of not really listening. I mean, I think that sometimes, some of us don't really listen to the words that's thrown at us. Rather, we don't really process it. Often I found myself processing half a day later or even a whole day later. Neither did I seek to understand the situation there and then and sticking to my thoughts. And many of us are very guilty of that.

Trust, professionalism and listening.

You know, I oughtta be thankful to Y really. At times, I wondered whether she really got the whole message or the gravity of the situation when I explain my dilemas to her. Sometimes I thought she didn't really understand and was just saying very general words like 'it's ok, don't worry, everything would be fine'. In fact, sometimes, I think that if i was at the edge of a cliff, she would say the same thing. Maybe she doesn't understand, maybe she does. But what she does in response is maybe what most would call a winner. Least I know one person who appreciates this trait. She makes you feel oright. She's unlike me where I would try to get her to change her mindset and way of thinkin or reacting to a situation in hope that it'd be the solution and that everything really is all in the mind. But by doing that, I lack empathy or sympathy which is what is needed ins situations like these. But it's something Y has always given me. Sometimes her lack of wanting to find out the full situation, makes it easier for her to stand by me.

Like in the above scenario on the school projects, I know I probably might be askin for it, but she still stands by my side, sometimes seemingly, without any backin or logic. Tho I do hope she does eventually try to correct me if I really am wrong.

I dunno, this one month, a lot of things are really becoming more clear to me. It's like I'm strangely more intuned to what she might be thinkin and that somethings are really easy to perceive the way they are. If i go over to a girl's plc in the middle of the night, it's a bad thing. I mean, I have a clear conscience but it sure doesn't look anything decent. Perception.

2 choices really. Don't go at all citing stupid reasons like 'I don't think it's appropriate' indirectly labling yourself as being a pumpkin, traditional (nvr like tt) and well, weird. OR, go but don't tell the missus.

Of course, there's a 3rd option of coming clean BUT, somehow, that never really worked and well, it's really easier to hide than deal with 20 quesitons after and the sacasm that follows.

Kinda lost focus on this entry. Guess i just wanted to rant.

Well, trust, professionalism and listening..

Haf you been listening?