I keep thinkin about all that has happened and I feel like I've done the biggest sin ever. I dunno why. Feel like in such a dilema. I really allowed things to advance too far. Ironic.

I have this sinkin feeling that she's hurt by what I siad (whcih technically is the whole point anyway) but yet, my heart breaks at the thought that I was the cause of it. I dunno how she does it each time. Is it cos she thinks I can take it? N in this instance, is being the supposed stronger one bad?

I dunno. The whole point of all this was, I guess, to allow her to see what's it like to be on the receiving end. But I really have no idea if this is even workin at all. And I'm feelin so unbalanced about the whole tihng cos I think I was very hurtful. And maybe a part of me feels she might deserve it for all she did towards me, but yet another part of me feels so sorry for her and just wants to go to her and sooth the wounds. Is it some male instinct?

But somehow, despite this ickish feeling of needing and wanting to go to her, a large part of me oso feels that I need to do myself justice. I know I'm sounding very very self righteous here but I pretty sure I didn't give her as much grief as she did to me. And if anything, I feel it's just her gettin her just desserts.

But yet, I think things through and feel the same sorriness I felt for her when I got to know her. And it's the same now. The need to wan to take care of her. Her friend was right. She exudes this feeling onto others that she needs to be taken care of.

Maybe as the song goes, the last thing to do out of love is to let her go.

So many times in the past, i've thought things were so much better for her. That she learnt to fend for herself. But it'd all go to waste if she went to another guy cos then she wouldn't learn as much.

Then again, I have no idea why I do such things either. Worry about her. Does care equate love? I dun doubt that I still love her. And I stil hold on to the fond memories we share and I dun think I forget them. But when the blackness comes, quite literally actually, in the form of a face that is, all the good that has ever happened just gets sucked away. And it's sad really. Cos she's really a nice girl. I just wish there was a way to get to her.

But s mentioned, should it be so difficult?

Isn't it better to find someone tt loves you for your strengths and flaws and vice versa. That someone can actually see your flaws and love you for it. I can never see her temperment and love her for having that. I can never. And in this case, is it me then? Is it because I just cna't have a little bit of patience to seek to understand her? Or patience to tolerate?

But it's not like I never tried. But as I said, patience has it's limits. And I am already an impatient man as it is.

I dunno. Right now, each day seems like a week with all this going on. I'm not gonna make the first move. I don't know what TO do. Til she makes one anyway. And I'm well aware this might jolly well stretch quite long cos she might be doing the waiting game. But officially, it's a cold war going on now. Jus don't know how long it might last. You know how it is with us, one minute happily together the next, biting each other's head off.

When will it end and why does it even have to start, at all?