RETURN TO INNOCENCE

I watched Be With Me with A on Friday. It's one of those films that made me think about innocence. Tho it's not so much a film about innocence but I guess like any other forms of art, the message lies in the eye of the beholder. So the message of the film wasn't so much on innocence but I believe more on desire, wants, love.

But certain parts, scenes of teh story made me think back about the innocence of first times, of youths, of how things were when we were just learning just now so long ago.

I thought about my innocence. No, nothing of this has anything to do with sexuality or what not. I thought about the times when I first experienced infatuations, crushes, about the lil emotions I had when I was younger. I thought about how I thought th world to be and how much simpler the world seemed. I'm not sure about everyone but I missed those times when I thought the world was really that simple.

True, my teenagehood wasn't the smoothest sailing but I had an idealistic thinkin of the world. I believed in love unconditionally. I believed that my love was the truest. I believed that I'd eventually get married and that was what I wanted and who i wanted to get married with couldn't be anyone else. I believed that if I waited long enough, things would fall into place and that things would work out and love would prevail. I believed that my life would be as what books would be like, that we would find the one true love and nothing could make things complicating. I wished my life to be like the love stories I watched in the movies.

I lead a simpler life then. I had no desires other than to love and be loved. Tho this proved to be the bane of most of my years schooling but yet, my desires were simple.

Years later, I sorta made a promise to myself to not to committ to fully to someone. To anyone. I am more cynical towards life. I'm more pessismistic to what life gives to me. I see the world as being darker. I see more of the world, tho I doubt enough but yet enough to see it as being bleak. I see relationships that are failed or doomed and probably would have no prospect whatsoever. I see cheating spouses. Marriages that doesn't seem to make sense. I see more reasons to believe that the world isn't that much better a place than it's supposed to be. Than what I had believed to be years ago. I don't claim that my life is above contradictions to what I say. And even that itself saddens me.

My aims and desires in life has evolved. Grown. No longer are my wants so simple. Now they are more complex. They're not as noble as some would want it and probably goes along the lines of selfishness. Most of my aims somehow revolve around living for myself and if I were to extend that a lil, possibly with A involved, OR, whoever it might be now or in the future. Who knows. BUt I WAS prepared to live a rich bachelor's life with my own pad and leading a colourful night life filled with promiscuity. Ain't that the life?

But sometimes, through the dreariness of days, I relished n revel (if ever sucha word) in these moments of purity. Where I thought and reminisced the times when life was peachier (even tho flanked with darkness) and wished my life n how I saw the world would be like before. I wished that life seemed more hopeful. But as Terry Moore said ina poem in Strangers In Paradise, "Little girls grow up my friend, and learn the wicked ways of men". And how true that is when we grow up, we learn to harden ourselves to face and deal with the world's reality and yet losing that innocence of ours that made life so worthed living. So truly, what is life worth living for? I do so to hold on to a hope that something better might happen. That I am given this life and should live it till it should end whenever that would be. In the mean time, make the supposed most of it tho I do believe I don't exactly do the best job at that but hey, I'm not complaining of my existence so that should count for something and is def an improvement.