FUCK.!!! WASTED MY LAST HOUR ON AN ENTRY WASTED WHEN ACCIDENTALY HIT BACK ON MY WINDOW..CCB!! andalso i don't understand why the layout for the entries so funny now..

As I had said earlier, not that anyone knows, I wonder if A hates me, despises me for having left her alone in the dark to deal with her problems, to have forsaken her. I seriously hope not cos I surely did not. If I could have my way, I would have wanted to care for her all the way till I left but I know that's worst. At least now, I can still keep an eye and be there to catch her when she falls even tho she should not be expecting that. But i still wanna care for her.

I'm readin Paul Coelho's Eleven Minutes.

'I allowed myself to fall in love for one simple reason: I'm not expecting anything to come of it. I know that, in three months' time, i'll be far away and he'll be just a memor, but I couldn't stand living without love any longerl I had reached my limit.'

Everything but the last bit was somewhat how it was when me and A started out. I never believed the relationship to last and bolted at the first sign of trouble. But she bowled me over with her whole sincerity about the relationship and reprimanded me about how I was shooting something that hasn't quite started yet. (i always at the back of my head wondered if it's cos she was only seeing the moment and not the whole picture). Admittedly, it was much easier to run away from the proble that way, always claimin one reason or the other. But somehow, these reasons came back 2 years later to the exact scenario I presented to her. Maybe I'm clairvoyant.

But when I started off with her, I believed that it was truly love. for i had no logical reasoning behind why I liked her and only relied on vibes. And I thought it to be lvoe cos it seemed to be the only logical explanation then. And I really did stick to my what I said, she was someone I could imagine taking care of and man, was I right in the takin care but I have no complains. Cos when she's happy, I'm happy, given tt i did it at my own time of course. :p

I liked my relationship with A somehow, despite all the complications it involved cos compared to some of the relationships I see around, I'm glad mine was not so superficial or conceited. it was somewhat and somehow a lil beyond logic. True, we might not have been the most suitable due to a couple of reasons, but yet, we managed to enjoy each others' company. We could spend a whole day doing nothing and yet feel contented. I would like to believe that we stayed together so long was because of love. Tho some might dispute that it's cos we didn't want to be alone. Both me and A did admit that we're tired and didn't wanna start afresh with someone new, go through that whole process of courtshipt and all. I most def didn't want to.. Man, such a big hassle. That uncertainty how that next person would be like and if it was gonna be crap. That wasn't a risk we both wanted actually. I know, I'm contradicting again. Is it really as pure as I wanna believe it? There's too much to consider really. And who really knows why we stayed together so long. But maybe it's much nicer to believe that she was a love that got away and I might hate myself for never pursued her.

But hey, 'sometimes, leeting go is the only way of moving forward' and right now I'm unsure if i wanna move forward. I know if I do, the door is forver closed, never to be opened again. But one thing I'm sure of at least, I did love her and maybe that's all that matters.And I know I do love her now and might keep tt love going. I guess I equate love to care and concern. I probably love YL much less than before. When asked if we were both single, would I stil return to her? And somehow, I don't really think I would. I guess I've changed. As much as I have guidelines on who my next person should be like, I also gotta understand that it really depends. I guess A made me realise that sometimes, somethings are just all about vibes (ok,i using this word more and more after reading the book cos they seemed to quantify what I'm feeling or wanna say)

Anyway, I know what I don't want in relationship and that is mistrust, disceit, manipulation and superficialness. Like love is all about what a person does for you, whether he does this or that for you. That is so superficial. Love is not about what this person has done or not done but about care and concern. It is also about connectivity. A connection. That's what I believe love is. I had love both YL and A for different reasons but yet I can safely say I did.

No idea where i was gfoing wif all these but I'm bloody hungry. Breafast time!!!