Music changes the mood. I felt significantly happier somehow when I heard C.S.I: New York's theme song. It somehow gave me the emotion of hope someohow.

THings are definitely looking up for me right now.

I thought of makin new friends but still wasn't in the mood to patronise new people. And I thought to myself, why should I spend so much time and effort on anyone I might meet now or get to know if that's not gonna be the one that brings me a brighter future assumin my destiny lies in the states. (there's a word i seldom used... destiny)

I love talking to friends these days ala post break up talks. Them inquiring what happened. It's quite interesting really. With each person I try to explain my point across, I acquire a new insight to myself. With YL (whom I met on tuesday for dinner), she said I was different. I wasn't so moody. That made me realise I had gotten over things pretty much faster this time round compared to the whole months and months of endless sorrow, gloom and wadeva negativity I had. I realised tt was the case but also, I wondered is it because A did mean as much to me as YL?

Then met up wif Jan last night. She gave me another couple more insights, in trying to understand why I didn't just marry A there and then and solve the whole problem. End of the day, I guess maybe I didn't really foresee her for me in the future as much as I did with YL. I have to admit... A makes would make a very good wife and mother. I have no doubts in that. But I realised I was trying very desperately to find a reason why i couldn't marry her now. 1 basic one would be that it's the wrong reason to right now simpley cos I ain't ready. 2. There are still some issues I haven't ironed out. But if I really believed in our relationship and all, shouldn't it not matter so much if I'm really all that sure I wanna stay with her? Then a realisation. Maybe everyone else knew and I knew too but jsut didn't wanna admit. But I really didn't believe so much in a future with her. Else, regardless the problems, I would've proposed. I guess my solution would be one day, she would grow on me so much that I wouldn't really mind having her for the rest of my life. Right now, I'm not excludding that fact, but I guess I ain't very certain. And this to her, I guess is unfair. I wonder if she knew this and if she did, would it be hurting.

What made me realise this was Jan's simple scenario, if I were with YL, I wouldn't have any problems proposing. I thought a bit and realised this was very true.

Jan can't understand how is this the case when A seems to be so much more a better gf compared to YL. A spends more time with me, gives me more, better looking and yadayada.. but yet I would prefer YL to her. I told her it's connectivity. I dun feel I connect as much with A as I did with YL. I guess sometimes looks just ain't enuff. So I told her, my ideal, must have the looks and the brains or connection at the least. Then you wonder and say, hey, sounds like everybody's ideal person. But I guess my expectations has somewhat changed. But I might say shit right now and at the end of the day, who knows, I might end up wif a dumb ugly bitch. But hey, we all got some guidelines to help us select our prospective future. It's how much the next person fits the criteria and how much we are willing to make amendments or adjust our requirements.

But my rationale when I was trying to explain to YL was that the situation is different now when compared to when I broke up with her. This time, I feel that it's not cos I don't want to be with A, it' cos it's somehow really better for her. And I really believed that. BUt for YL, I didn't really believe the reasons for our breakup.

Looking back, it's kinda strange. Cos we had so much disagreements, yet managed to stay on for so long. So many time I really wanted to give up. I caught myself wondering why i was holding on so. Is it because it's love? But that's not really the case. But during the happy times, and it's not cos she's doing something for me but when I do something sincerely, from the heart and see her being happy, I feel so happy. I'm not sure if it's an ego thing that, I, ME, did something for her to be happy and am proud. BUt i'd not like to think it that but rather, it's my way of showing her my love for her. Doing something, no matter small or big, to make life better for her, to make her happy, is the least I could do and it's really, I feel tremendously happy.i knew I was in love cos I don't do all that many nice stuff for others and when i do, I don't feel that much happiness and pleasure as I do with A. But I guess, as much as I love her, I have to understand, i've got to let her go.

The quesiton will always be, why why why don't I propose. I think I answered that above.

A romantic side of me would wish that at the end of this whole overseas stint, I would eventually end up wif her cos it's so nice.. and well.. romantic. Makes a good story too. But, I dont' think tt's all realistic cos I dream of doing fairly well there and make a bit of a name (not a big one, just a bit enough to make me survive) and travel to Japan and Europe so I can photograph the people there. It's a dream somewhat. But understandably, as much as I want her to be my side, I know it's not a lifestyle that is appropriate for her. Also, if I were to ask her to wait for me back home, it'd be unreasonable.

As days go by and I talk to more people, I slowly come to terms with everything better. Jan says I'm very much different now then i was when she first knew me. And in some way, I am quite glad. Gone was the angsty depressive kid which had always been there all the way til the army. YL really changed my life. Or rather, the incident with YL really changed my life. It's not really her per se, but just that break up woke me up. I know, it's after a couple of months of shit. Or as YL says, I was really lost then wasn't i? And I think I really was. But now, I dun see myself doing so many funny shit as I did before. Then again, I've done more as comapared before and maybe there's really nothign all that much cept taking drugs and committing suicide which both seem stupid to me. I dun mind doing drugs to get me high but not addictive ones cos I lost control of myself too easily and last thing I need is something to take control of me.

And the one thing I realised about my blog is that I don't have to worry so much about writing too much cos these few months, I've come to realise that it's only the people who can be bothered, will actually bother to read up EVERYTHING i've actually written. But then again, don't mean to say that people who don't read it just don't care, they jsut got things to do and are constantly busy. Work and all. Guess I gotta know adn understand that things aren't as the same as before and we all have our own lives to lead. Which I guess is why it's important during all those important occasions, to catch up. regretably, I never could meet up the guys on a more frequent basis but I was glad that they understood my commitments. I tried to make it for those big events like birthdays and all. Xmas and NYEs as well but alas, those times were tied to the gf. S much s I wanted to do both, some things just ain't possible.

I think I've gone a long way. Done things I dont' i can be proud of. But I don't i've learnt what I should've learnt in the process. Such things like procrastination and a lack of discipline is something I wish I could curb. But most of the time, remedies and solutions don't really solve the whole problem just like that. But Hung told me to focus on what I want. Ain't I not wanting to do something I love. If that's the case, I should work hard for it. I guess it's something I don't often enough. And I ought to. I should quesiton what is it in my life that I"m doing significanlty that is gettin me nearer to my goal. Currently, nothing significant. guess that's wad makes him a scholar and me, well, an average joe. I need motivation. I need to remember. I need to remind myself constantly, daily, what my purpose truly is. I forget too easily.

I need to remember.