Sometimes, you just gotta love Gr@y's. And sometimes, you gotta hate it. It's a love hate thing really. It always gets me emotive and thinking. Be it for better or worst.

Or maybe I was just in an emotive and thinking brooding moody mood. Cause from since wendesday or thursday, or maybe friday, i've been thinking a lot about me being alone and about people needing other people. Well, maybe just me and maybe it applies to others. Shan't assume that the rest of the world is like me. BUt maybe some are.. so to the select few who are very much like me or can identify then... yippee... I guess....you ain't alone if it's any consolation.

I'm beginning to think that I always will need someone. Someone to feel complete or whole. Or maybe I'm just feeling vulnerable for whatever reason. I was thinking about crushes (yeah, i know, i was supposed to have dropped all those ideas but i found someone new to have a crush on). BUt it's just that one crush. But I'm trying to be not too obessesive with this one like the prev. one. Trying to take it easy and be a lil more chill.

I've also started rationalising why I do nice things. I think in part, it's due to my mom's influence. She's always been giving and nice to people around and I somehow picked up on that thinking that it's understood, neccesary and needed. But now I'm beginning to wonder that if it might be because that I do it, expecting the same privilidge to be given to me as well. I think that I just want somebody to show some care and concern. The funny thing is, I always come across as someone who's able to take care of himself and fend for himself but in reality, I just want to have someone I know who can care for me or at least i know that there's this someone who will open their arms and lend their shoulder for me to lie on. That's all i really want. I just want that simple comfort. I wonder if Y ever got or understood that part when she felt she played no purpose in my life. I didn't really need anything else. Well, smeone to listen to me i guess and to talk to.

And i think i have a somewhat decent reason to find someone who's good looking. I think it goes in part with the nurturing nature of mine. I somehow feel more compelled to protect this thing I see as perfect and flawless (in my eyes) than someone I didn't see as such. But that being said, I do think that our perception will change sometimes when we start to get to know someone. Our eyes change and see them in a different light. Just like how some people we find really pretty only to find out later that they have an ugly inside. Or that maybe, you just don't click.

but yeah, i think that's the reason I'm really that nice to people, least the people over here anyway. Or maybe all over, I can't say for sure. and that is that I hope that whatever it is I do would guarantee a lil bit that people would do the same for me. And once I see that it's going to be a mutual thing, I'm willing to give it my all. Reasons why I'm willing to go the extra mile for my friends sometimes I guess. BUt somehow, I can't quite see the same for the people I know from here.

I look back at my r/s with Y and I don't pine for it anymore. I guess previously, I pined for it cos I was lonely. I felt I needed something to hold on to. Someone to pine for. Now, I look back at it, i don't feel ay regrets. Like my 1st r/s with YL, I'm glad it happened and that I learnt something from it. I'm not sure if I could ever be that close a friends as I am with YL. I think me and YL could maintain cos we were friends for quite a bit before we hooked up. BUt with me and Y, while in the r/s, I'm almost glad I'm not just a friend of hers cos I don't think it's a great thing. They tend to be taken for granted for. And man was I right when I went back home. And maybe her bf was an obstacle or maybe it was work. Either or weren't reason enough to not be able to see me and to have me to hound her. The funny thing was that I thought she was eager to meet me as well considering she remembered the date I was going back. But no matter. Nothing that can be done and no purpose is fulfilled by thinking too much about it or even feeling it. I'm just glad this incident happened so I could see where I stand and obviously, it isn't anywhere

If i had to reflect and summarise my personal and love life. I guess I would say that YL made me realise and see what I potentially could be and made me strive for it. EVen though it might not neccesarily be her intent but that's what I got out of the whole r/s and breakup. Yes, the break up counts. She taught me the bad things of negative human emotions and jealousy was an ugly side to show and to possess. So I put all of that to practice. With Y, I learnt that women really aren't very easy to figure out. And that there's a lot more to them that meets the eyes and soemtimes, i wish I didn't have them as a headache to worry about. In the r/s, I reaffirmed my beliefs that jealousy was an ugly thing and I saw it first hand from her. I also saw the down side of insecurities. That too allowed me to reaffirm my beliefs. Following the breakup, I learnt that sometimes, having your dreams aren't neccesarily everything and that to have them is incomplete without someone to share it with. I also learnt that I too needed someone there constantly. Maybe not as much as others but I still need someone. Someone I know who will be there to listen to me. Someone whom I can take care of but yet at the same time is independant and also dependant to some extent. I don't miss Y anymore. I know that. All I miss is someone to hold and care for with all my heart.

Someone once mentioned that the 2nd gf is always the unlucky one cos you take all you learnt in your first one and over do it with the 2nd one. 3rd should be the lucky charm eh? :)


I'm tempted to write to Y but I don't really think it serves a purpose. I think I'd be less burdened if i didn't keep in contact with her. I dont' think she'll be happy with what I write to her and I think it's just too much baggage if she wrote back. It'd be an endless back and forth experience of us making each other feel bad for what we've done or not do. I know why I did what I did and I know that I did the right thing in my eyes with what I knew. And she might not understand it and maybe some might not. Or maybe I don't get it entirely but someone once said, we did what we thought was right at the point in time and that's all that really matters. Don't look back. Learn and move on because people who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. Also, itd be interesting that it's one of the rare times where I put my pride above it all and choosing not to contact her first since.. somehow, we're in the situation where whoever who contacts who first.. loses.. Yeah, it's one of them silly things again.. :p Immature and senseless.. :p but hey, I don't do it often so why not... :D



ON a side note, i need to stop apologising for stuff that isn't neccesarily my fault nor should I feel that it IS my responsiblity. I do that too often, automatically thinking and asuming that I should be accountable for it when I didn't really need to be. I realised it when I having a conversation with a friend at dinner and while he was talking to me... he was gestulating and knocked over his drink. I felt bad cos I had gotten him into being too excited about what he was talking about but I refrained from apologising cos it dawned on me. Why the devil am I feeling bad about it.. It's not fucking my fault that he knocked over his drink. So yeah.

Anyway, i think I've ranted enough. Nice thing a friend of mine did. I told her about my crush and.. she went to add her on MySp@ce... Not sure if that's a wise thing but still, I thought it was sorta nice of her to have done so. I didn't even ask ehr to do anything. I was just being all excited and telling about it. I thought it was nice. Not the best thing to do but still... nice... i hope she isn't the type who overdoes it and makes it so obvious.

kk, should go. Thanks for reading..