I had 2 friends from NY over my place for the last 2 days and now they're gone and I feel kinda empty somehow. It's weird. It was really really nice having them over and showing them around. I'm beginning to think that I probably fall under the category where I need to take care of people to feel alive. Or least know that there's someone there for me to take care just to feel better. Or least maybe feel that I belong. Maybe all this time I've been ranting about trying to find someone independant might not be accurate. Or maybe I just need to find someone somewhat independant yet doesn't mind me fussing over them once in a while. I like that a lot.

And i was thinking back about past crushes or fleeting crushes and I realise that I've been very VERY nit picky and superficial. I've known a lot of nice people who would have been very nice to have as gfs. But somehow, something just pulls me back. I keep wanting to find this ONE perfect person. Weight's a biggy. Most of the somewhat nicer and friendlier people somehow are on the plus side and it's something I just can't get over. Maybe it's cos the 2 prev exes have always been in the slimmer side. And probably also cos i don't find them attractive. Granted I might have slept with one or two, but there's just purely sex. There seriously wasn't any physical attraction. They were nice people don't get me wrong, but somehow, I just can't look past the heavy side. I guess my fear is that if they were this huge now, when age catches up, it's gonna get worst down the road.

See, I don't mind if, 5 years down the road, they put on some weight. Somehow, I could accept that a bit more than if i started dating someone who was already .. chubby.

I say this because, well, recently, I was notiing someone whom I had a crush on in the past. She really hasn't changed much. She's not drop dead gorgeous looker and I am very at ease with her simply because, she is with me as well. It's really nice talking to her. But well, somehow, I can't imagine starting off a relationship with distance somehow.. That's just... well, asking for trouble. Also, I was like checking her out and saw.. peng san.. got gut... :p Ack... add that with the bad posture... Somehow, all thoughts just rushed out of my head. Hence, the conclusion that I think I'm very superficial. Shouldn't a r/s and love be all about the person on the inside?

Maybe I'm just trying to find that one perfect person so that I'll never have a reason to leave and that the r/s would be a sure thing. But people will definitely me... there's no such thing as a sure win. And I guess they're right.

Man, I hate the empty feeling left after my friends have left. I thought I had everything until after they left, I'm made to think and feel how empty my room is.

There seems to be a lot of revelations about myself. I think i'm midly ADD (Attention Deficient something)

Why I say that is because I am somehow unable to hold my attention on the task I'm doing and am always veering away from what needs to be done. It's more apparant now when I have a lot of readings to do but find myself unable to concentrate on the words. I read them but nothing goes into my head. I don't actually absorb what I'm reading. Basically, follow through motion. I had to employ my old tactics for when I was studying for my exams when i was 16. I replayed the songs I used to at that time adn found I was able to focus much better. I guess i needed to be in a familiar zone to be able to block out everythying. And thinking back, I used to be missed when people would not pay me the attention i seeked when I interupted their simple task like reading the papers. I would always be ignored and that this person would never ever look up... EVER... I was always so pissed cos i thought it was rude and the least they could do is to at least acknowledge that they're busy and to give them a min. No one ever does that. I always do. I always tell people to wait while i finished up something because I know my focus will be split. But maybe they were the normal ones and that I was the weird one. I dunno..

Anyway, I'd rant more but I'm really hungry now.. Laterz guys..