Something I wrote for a class about our body. Somewhat revealing but it's things you guys pretty much know already anyway.

"Our body. I’ve never actually given it a specific thought. At least nothing that is as specific as this. I’ve never actually thought that our identity, the way we present ourselves, all fit into what we portray everyday to ourselves and more so to the world. After reading Soontag’s article, I realize that our body could very much be how we want the world to see us or how we think the world will see us. Not just the physical form of it. It’s also what it signifies.

So how do I want myself to be perceived? How do I think people are going to perceive me?

I once thought to myself, what makes a man a man? Gender wise anyway. Would he be less of a man if his partner brought home the bacon? Would he be less of a man if he doesn’t know his way around a car while his partner builds hot rods in the garage? I’ve always grown up hating society’s stereotype of how a male or female should behave, act, dress or should know. I don’t have the patience to sit down and watch a football or soccer game. Beer isn’t my favourite drink but yes, I do burp out loud. I know how to clean myself up when I need to should a fancy dinner date crop up and my room’s in a perpetual mess.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t necessarily fit into all stereotypes of what a guy should be. I’m lousy with my hands and mainly around the house but I love gadgets and techie stuff. I’m a geek in some ways but yet not in others. I love spending my time in front of the computer (which I probably should start to cut down on) and I love playing with new gadgets and video games. I love to cook even though I cook only a certain amount of dishes and I probably have more toiletries in my bathroom than most guys and maybe girls do. I’ve been mistaken to be gay countless times but ain’t really. And I’m kind of used to it.

I like Sci-Fi and sappy movies. I play soccer but I never watch a game. I want to believe in love but I am a cynic when it comes to marriage and relationships. I come from a place which is primarily Chinese but we speak English and get a good mix of European (more British really), American, Asian and South East Asian culture. I guess I’m a mix of anything and everything. And being a Cancerian plays a part in how I portray myself as well since we’re known to be hardened on the outside but really a softie on the inside. Also, we have mechanisms in place to prevent people from coming in.

I come across nice and cheery but sometimes I wish I wasn’t as nice and I’m really not always that cheery on the inside contrary to what some might think. As I said, traits of a crab.

Once in a while, I play devil’s advocate and tell people sex with another person while being in a relationship is fine just because I think what one doesn’t know won’t hurt and I’ve never believed that one night of passion could really change the dynamics of what took a longer time to build. Sex is after all, just sex. Friends with benefits are handy when one feels he does not have the time for a regular relationship. But yet despite it all, I miss the passion, love and connection in love making with a person I really love. I’m a romantic that’s turned cynic and yet trying to hope for something more in the world out there for me.

Physically and appearance wise, I think I’m pretty decent looking and if anything, I ain’t bad looking. I have a sharp face and generally sharp features which contributes to me thinking I don’t look half bad. I have very contrasting looks. On one hand, I am able to look totally goofy and geeky, especially with my glasses on. On the other, with my glasses off, I am able to look serious, seductive and intense. Sometimes, I think it borders along the lines of psychotic really but so far, no dead bodies has ended up in any dumpsters so I think it’s safe to say, I don’t have such tendencies. I’d like to think that it’s a mischievous cheeky look though I’ve been told it’s a seductive one. But hey, I ain’t one to argue anyway. I’m flirting a lot more these days and I don’t quite know why either. More confidence? Change of mindset?

I think I’m somewhat of a peacock sometimes with the effort put into my dressing and styling but sometimes, it doesn’t quite show simply because I’m also a lazy dresser so I pretty much come in whatever is next on the clothes rack really and I’ll just try to match it to my best ability. My hair’s very much an extension of me really. Being in a catholic school for 12 years, I pretty much want to keep it longer than is expected really. I guess it’s my way of being free somehow. Also, I feel it’s easier to manage and has more room and flexibility for styling as well.

When I was younger, I used to be pretty disciplined in actually training but well, lack of time and laziness has sort of cut that down to just once a week push ups and soccer. I guess I don’t’ quite have the same motivation as I did in the past. And obviously it wasn’t really for better health but a more buff look to really attract the girls (whatever works really). But priorities have shifted and I don’t really try that hard in the whole skirt chasing ritual anymore.

I personally think I’m underweight and definitely need more mass on me though some have told me that I’m fine and that I’m just lean. I do worry that I might have a belly or a gut (I don’t drink THAT often but I DO drink). I think it’s unsightly really and it’s something I’ve grown up seeing guys having and found disgusting and hope that age doesn’t catch up on me and slow my metabolism rate down.

My desires… ambitions? Dreams? As I get more into photography and discovering what it is I really like, I’ve come to realize that I wish to live in a world of comics and cinema. When I was young, I grew up wishing I had a super power. And as my education progresses in school, I realize that a lot of what I shoot is linked to my desires in wanting to live in this make-belief world and the way I could do that is to re-create this fantasy in front of the camera. That would be my artist’s dream which is really very much a fantasy. In life, despite knowing I would be a fantastic partner -but yet knowing my lifestyle would not be conducive for a relationship- I hope to find a life partner eventually. I hope to travel and see the world one day and yet not need to pay for it and instead have it part of my job. I hope never to need to work a day of my life but do the things I love and be paid for it.

I don’t really fear pain as much but I panic instinctively and then embrace it. I understand that death is an eventuality and just try to live in the world as long as I can. Despite it all, I fear a long painful death. Reasons why I never fear a plane crashing (I see it as a free roller coaster ride when there are turbulences) because I know death is pretty much instant. I hope."