It's one of those days again. Just to let you guys know.. it's one of those negative rants so maybe wouldn't be a wise idea to read on.. but if you're bored enough, by all means.

I was telling chrispy today, ever since i've gotten here, I've been having very speicific bouts of loneliness. As a Buble song goes, surrounded 'maybe surrround by, a million people, i sitll feel all alone, i wanna go home'.

I'm really not sure what sparked it really. I spent a whole day on a shoot. Left the house at 9... Reached home at 10.30 in the night.

I think what might have sparked it was one of my friends saying that 'hey, i heard (insert instructor's name) is very mean to you.. i'm sorry'. See, i didn't always see it that way. I always appreciated the instructor for his frank opinions on my work. It drove me to work harder. Sooo.. i dunno.. but it kinda made me think a lil.. but i let it slide..

THEN... i mgiht have made a boo boo while shooting and some of my shots might not come out... (i just changed to another camera so i'm sitll getting used to it).. so i'm a lil worried and bummed about that. And that's how i had ended my day.

And as usual, my brain goes into over drive and one thing leads to another and i start branching out my thoughts to everything I could leech on to. I started questioning everything I was doing and how worth it was all this. And suddenly... EVERYTHING hit me like a big tidal wave.

i started panicking and worrying. Wondering how I was gonna be able to achieve everything. I had so much.. SO MUCH I need to do and accomplish. And then I wished I wasn't alone in all this. I wish I had someone on board with me in all these. I wish I had someone there was someone i could run to when i get these panic attacks.. And just a simple hug.

But because I'm so afraid of ever showing that i'm weak, i don't quite think i woudl run to any of the friends I have here. I think i'm definitely exuding the trait of a cancer very well... I have a soft interior but a hard exterior. It's funny, just yesterday, i had 2 people commenting that i was a very positive person. I jsut find it funny that's all. Goes to show how well people actually know me. Maybe it's cause I always appear chirpy and i dont' really share what goes on personally in my life (nothing much actually) but i don't whine or complain about anything cos i hate it when people do it excessively (just take a read at my blog, irks you doesn't it :p ) but yeah..

And somehow, because of past experiences from school work, somehow, i could never bring myself to show that I was weak. And maybe along those aspects.. i could never bring myself to be too close to anyone in my department. I don't quite wanna get too close to anyone i would see everyday. Ironic isn't it? Somehow, i just get irked by people and have a low tolerance for BS. And maybe it's the cultural difference but i don't quite feel any connection at all. Soo... as sociable as I am and friendly as I can be. No one here really knows me.. The fact that no one over here knows of my blog add or that i even have one at all says a lot.

oh, how i miss the feeling of having that one person to be there for me at moments like these.. to share my heart's woes without fear of judgement. I don't feel like I could ever do that. I think that's my problem. I fear being judged too much... in my life, in my work... in so many aspects. Maybe i'm not as secure about myself as I thought myself to be.

Sigh, i have so much on my mind that i wanan blog but i'm so tired... i just wanna go sleep now.. toorrow's a brand new day and it's a hectic one, no less.. The weekends too. I have sat nights and sundays to catch up on myself.

My b'day's in a week's time and in the past when i was younger.. i never quite liked it much cos it was always a reminder of alone i was cos it'd be during the school hols and i didn't quite have anyone to celebrate with. And I wasn't really the kind to get people out cos i kinda thought it'd be more sincere if i knew who wuld wish me. BUt as i grew older, i kinda didn't bother so much about that cos i knew who my friends really were and i looked forward to b'days simply cos, it was a good excuse to hazve everyone together.

This year's gonna seem very much like how i spend my b'days in my younger years. And i don't quite think I feel like spending it any other way. I'll def be in school. I won't be holding no parties cos that would be an unnecesary expense AND.. i don't quite have a venue anyway. Also, id on't quite know who i would invite. B'days are intitmate affairs to me where you get together the people closest to you and celebrate it. THis year, it's gonna be me with me. No one that close that i would want to spend my b'day with somehow.. And it'd be really lame if i went upt o someone and said, hey, it's my b;day... how about dinner?

So it's probably gonna be school.. then come evening.. i'll just treat myself to a good movie and dinner and if possible, find a nice quiet place and just relax. Maybe a coffee place at a mall and just people watch. but soehow, i think that's just gonna make me feel more lonely. Sooo.. maaybe.. not quite a good idea.. i dunno.. i'm not having any hopes on anything exciting.. just another day.. I jsu wish it was with someone special...

i dunno.. im just mindlessly rambling.. i need sleep.. gd night people. Have a good weekend.