Another Mindless Rant About the Heart that Never Stays Certain

The break I just had when i was home was a welcomed... event really. besides being able to meet up with friends, I think there might be something I might finally be able to let go of. i'm SO.. tempted to leave Y (the 3 yr gf) a msg on her mail to let her know that I've finally let go of everything... of all the guilt and all of the bagguage. But i think that would just open another can of worms which i seriously don't think I need to relive.

And what made me realise this? I have this song I always listen to when i'm sad or moody or just want to make myself feel sorry for myself or guilt for what I've done even tho it might not be the case. But despite being moody, I just didn't feel like listening to that one song.

The break made me realise who were really the ones who made time for me and those that didn't even bother regardless of whatever fucked up reasons they had. I'm over that. I now don't feel anything when I think back about it all. I don't feel guilty. i don't pine nor am I sorry for anything. I no longer feel the need to care more than I should or feel that I should try to make up for something. I'm numb to her. And how funny that it took a bad even in the school cafeteria to trigger that.

I'm over all this girl chasing thing. I don't think I really want to care anymore. I think I should just resign myself to living my life alone. That's how I functioned well for quite some time before I hooked up with Y. I ddin't fret myself over any girl. I didn't try too hard. I just didn't bother. I was lightened. Not so burdened and i felt fine. I was hardened and I was protected. I had no expectations of anyone and I fought to protect myself as well as I could. I was fine that way. And now, somehow I feel like I should have someone in my life to complete it. When did that happen? How did that happen? My life's a lot easier and less complicating with just myself to deal with. I think I complicate things for myself enough as it is. i don't need an extra factor to consider. And sex? I'm begining to feel it's overrated as well. I'm getting a tad tired of it and what I need to do. And I'm just not getting as much outta of it as I used to anymore. I think from now on, it's just me and my work.. for myself. No one else.

It's funny that I say this despite after just writing an essay about how I still hope for love. I think I still hope for that. But I don't think I'm preparing for it nor am I really working towards that anymore. I want that. I seriously do. I know what I want in that. I know what I want in my ideal relationship and who I really want to be with. But yet at the same time, I don't expect or think or imagine that I'll ever get that somehow. Maybe it's idealistic to hope that someone drops into my lap but I seriously don't want to have to work for something so hard neither do i think it SHOULD be that case somehow. Things should fit in together naturally. I don't quite know why or how that comes about but that should be the case. That being said, I think I also need to get back into that darn book again to reaffirm certain things and to scratch other believes as well.

Anyway, for now.. fuck girls...