Funny how some things only makes sense to you. And from time to time, when people around you question often enough, your intentions, you start to wonder whether what you are doing is right.

Things on the Y front is AGAIN, not looking so good. Had a big tiff with her. Well, why I say tiff is the difference is I shouted. Now, not very rare I lose my temper. I mean, I get irritated but I safely say I don't lose my temper to the extent of shouting. But this time round, I really lost it. Never good to lose temper I know, but really intolerable and probably not a good excuse either. But just that all i felt was, she didn't understand my difficulties on my side. It's not easy for me either. It's not easy for me to ask favours of people. To ask them to volunteer to help me in my projects. And the least I could very well do is accomodate and their schedule. Somethings really never change.

I'm not sure whether my prior tiff with Y sparked this off with my mom (no i didn't lose my temper with her) but in the car, i was tellin her about this free shoot I did just yesterday. Darn 21 hour shoot for free. And it was a commercial shoot. She was obviously 'wa...' when I told her it was all for free. I explained mildy about the reasons I did it, and it was a friend askin for a favour. Dun think she got the full picture. And the funny thing was, Y didn't get it either when I told her. I wonder if I give a very bad explanation or maybe it's really me. But I stand by what I did. The shoot wasn't about money. That's pretty clear now obviously. Most of the time, it's mainly desperation and how much is this person worth to help. It seems pretty calculative but it really isn't. It's simple.

Sometimes, it depends on the person asking. I know for some people, it's not easy for them to ask for help. And it is for these people, I feel more compelled to help, as compared to those mother fuckers that just ask without thinkin and because it's the most convenient way. So for this person to ask me for help, I know it's not easy. And you feel more justified that even the more experience of you lots are also helping for free. It sorta makes what you do seem more sensible.

But somehow, some of these things, I don't bother to explain. I wonder if it's because of these 'unspoken' things that people think otherwise.

Take modelling for example. I know it doesn't seem hard, but I do know, it's not THAT easy. But most people think that it's easy to be a model, just sit down, look pretty or look model-esque. But it usually isn't that simple. Sometimes, I feel the reasosn I use to explain don't make it seem like much but down on the ground, I know it isn't. It's not easy to will a smile, or a particualr look or to create a presence or aura in the frame. Or get the particular look that a photographer wants. Neither is it easy finding the one person to fit the theme you want and hoping this person exudes the right mood even with the make up, wardrobe and backdrop done. It's really not. And when done commercially, you more contrained by budgets as well. you may find the right person you want, but you might not have the budget you need and hence, you're forced to find the next best suitable candidate which fits the closest to the bill as possible.

And hence, it's not easy. So it irritates the hell out of me when people don't seek to understand what it is I do and assumin that all that I do is simply fame and that everything drops on your lap. And more so when knn fucking Y thinks that it is just that easy to find the model I need so simply when I don't fucking have the budget to get what I want. I want to shoot in a studio, have people be available at a certain date and stay by it. Have the costumes I want and get the stills I need. I want all that but I fuckign can't cos I gotta be a CCB pussy and ask people for favours to model for me cos I dun have the CCB money to hire professionals and who knows, even the expertise.

YOu think you have problems jsut cause I'm unable to meet u cos someone else's problem became yours then what about me? FUCK YOU!!!!!

I just need a fucking partner to eb there when i need her and be surportive of what I do. I don't need presents, I dun always need company. I'm self reliant. What I don't need is people giving me fuck for stupid reasons and lackign the fucking brian cells to think how much of this do I really want and how mcuh of this is really willed by me. I GOT NO FUCKING CHOICE!!!

FUCK!!