LOVE AT FIRST...ER.. SECOND..ER... THIRD SIGHT?

You know how you see it in the movies that great love sometimes starts from just a coincidental glance? Where 2 people just accidentally meet each other's gaze and there's this connection? Now in reality, sometimes, such moments is just enough motivation to get me to start a conversation. Very rare, but it's enough lah if i feel bold enough among many million other factors.

Today, I had such a moment at the bus stop. i thought it was nice. But that's about it. Cos after that initial moment, doubts flooded in. No one really knows what the other person is like beyond that first glace. This and everything else I might say sounds duh but I really believed that such moments was enough to propell 2 strangers together. But who knows if the other doesn't have a nasty habit you can't stand, has a hygiene problem or is crazy, psychotic or any pyschological problem. There's so much dynamics involved in love, in a relationship, just how is it possible to determine everything based on one glance. "You had me at hello?".. totally overrated.

And I do think it is sad for me to say all these cos I was always one who believed in romance and love. Now I'm not even sure what it is and the existence of it at all.

I shouted at Y once again last night. This time, strangely enough, was pre-warned. As I told fatboy, we can hold the record of quickest shortest time to patch AND snap at each other. Cos within the same conversation, we slipped into normality and as quickly as we did that, we went back to a heated arguement. And this time, as one puts it, I am fanning the flames. Things really escalated beyond control cos during some moments, I was trying hard to rmemeber what the issue was but after some time, it didn't really matter no more cos all that mattered was to get the last say. I'm quite sickened by it really but yet, I felt I didn't want to give in or take this nonesense anymore.

And why did i say it was prewarned? Cos exactly yesterday, i had told her that I am not gonna take anymore anger or heat from her anymore. I had used her ex as reference to how he had lost his patience with her towards the end of their r/s and explained that really, everyone has a limit.

So when things shifted to her being irritaed and giving the same ol attitude as before, I snapped back at her for everything tt's worth snapping. And for those who learnt psychology, I threw in everything INCLUDING the kitchen sink.

She doesn't understand how it can be caused by one person and I can't figure it out either cos seriously, I don't really give two hoots abt the 'models' but more on her attitude. Yet why am I fighting so hard against her now? When it's supposedly a small issue. Maybe cos I really took it personally when I felt she hadn't understood the big picture and she's seeing (as she once accused me of doing) what she wants to see. And the sacarstic comment following Saturday oso made my blood boil.

And I seriously felt I had enough. There really is a limit and a cap to one person's limit, pride (self-worth) and patience.

Last night's incident started cos I had did a very bad job lying to her about the source of my movie tix (from the mentioned 'models). I had initially did a lousy job at sayin it's from a PA and I thought I was convincing enough so decided to tell her the truth. THEN.. she accused me of being a liar and well, everything just went downhill from there. From me defendign myself by saying she forced it upon me cos if i DID tell her the truth, I'd have gotten the brunt of 'attitude' from her. (attitude-single worded responses and a sudden urge to NOT feel like talking). So really was there any other choice? According to her, I shouldn't even have told her about the tix at all OR, not accepted it. I'm like WTF?!?!? It didn't make sense to me. And what irked me the most is that after we had our WWIII or IV or whatever the number was this time round, her conclusion is that she'll always see that this is due to 'her' (whoever her is anyway).

Now, last night, I was filled with rage. Today, it's more of slight sadness. It's not sad to weepy sad but I guess more disappointed.

I was listening to this one song which she once sent me during our month long break and said she meant every word in it. And I really thought things would really change as the song had mentioned (silly I know cos so often we say things like love forever but not really hold true to our word.) In it, it had said that 'I would control my temper so that I would hurt you'. Of course, we all know that these are really words and well, definitely silly to hold in any discussion or arguement. But I really did think that she might be different. Did she really change? Or did I push her to her limit just as she had pushed mine?

I could never do what she does, push things away, sorta outta sight outta mind so that she doesn't have to deal with it. So we never really tackle the issues. I tried to do that but in the end, it just surfaces eventually cos it's unsettling for me. So tho the BKK trip is already so long gone, but I stil remember cos we never resolved it. And I'm still sore but I just didn't think it was worth to get to it. Or maybe I jsut didn't wanna bother cos things probably weren't gonna end well.

Ever since the last patch back, I saw lesser a reason to keep my cool. I really dunno why. Last night really pushed things and I really dunno how she'd take it really. Would it push her over the edge til she wants a break or would it snap her to finally realising what it's like? Somehow, I'm just expecting defiance from her anyway.



And the thing on some minds is, if so difficult, why don't just break? Some have even questioned, is it really supposed to be so difficult? I dunno really. seriously, what is love? does anyone really know? Sheesh... I'm watching my teebee.. back later i hope...