It's funny. One would think that with all that I complain of her, I would be happy at the end of the relationship. But it's far from it. Gone are the memories of the ugly side of her but somehow, the magical moments of her. Guess this is where the phrase, you'll never know what you have till you've lost it, comes from.

The issue was something I had mentioned to her from the start but just that because it's becoming more of a reality, she's begining to question if this is something she wants. She has to wait for me for a few years before we can settle down. It's not that I don't want to settle down eventually. Somehow can't help but think of one of Vin's song by Barry Manilow which he had let me listen years years back. "We had the right love at the wrong time....."

The saddening thing is that we both still love each other. We both are sad about the whole thing. Somehow, some bit of logic would come in and say, if that's the case, why be apart? Simply put, in the long run, it's better this way. As jos mentioned, we both have different wants in life right now. And maybe in that sense, we thread on each others' toes too often.

We had a discussion. Tho she maintains, this is just a discussion, she had already opened the can of worms and there's no way, things can be ignored cos it's on the table now. To resume normality would be somehow ignoring that fact which is not possible. She had the right to question what she wanted to question and I guess she knew the answers before needing to ask them. Guess I wasn't that wrong when I sensed things are somewhat wrong this week. She said she's been trying to ease things back. Guess I was neither thinkin too much or being oversensitive. We had a tough time at breko's at holland v. I tried very hard not to think too much about the moments we had but focused all my energy on just trying to keep my composure. The discussion wasn't all that heated. It was more emotional than anything. It's funny that we knew this was inevitable, but yet are not ready for it emotionally. My bus came first and she told me to go first. I tried to tell her I'd wait for her but I guess the longer I lingered, the harder it'd be for us so I went again. And somehow, I don't know why, it's always in buses I have my moments. With YL, it was on a 165 back from the interchange at clementi to amk where I felt a surge of emotions and this time, it was 7 towards town. Something about Clementi buses. I was quite glad I had my shades with me.

I spent the evening walking around town. Quite literally really. Took a bus to town after we broke off. Had my dinner alone. Everyone had their own plans. Didn't wanna have people make the effort either. Took a bus to bugis cos I really liked a ring from there and I thought it somethhing nice to symbolise everything. Saw it when i was with ehr and also at that time she was bugging me about a couple ring. Funnily, saw one that was quite nice for 60 bucks. I got my ring in the end and decided to walk back to somerset from bugis with music in my ears. Wasn't really thinkin all that much. Just stoning. She msged me and somehow all the emotions just returned. She wondered if the decision had been a hasty one. I so much wanted to tell her yes and that we should remain together. But just like when YL tried to call me when we parted, I knew if I relented, it would defeat the whole purpose of things. So I tried to stick to the story as mcuh as I could even tho my heart wanted something else.

I eventually reached acid bar at somerset. Couldn't really remember how long I took tho. I deliberated between there and velvet and thought acid to be a cheaper alternative. And not to mention, the live band (if you consider 2 people a band anyway) pretty decent and the songs were pretty nice 'band'ish stuff. The drinks were normally priced with a magarita at 15 a pop and a boston beach party at 20. Frozen lychee magarita was nice. There were quite a number of tables with 'bu's but somehow, none that really interest me nor was I in the mood to patronise and have a happy face either. It was just nice to chill out with the live music. Had 2 magaritas and a boston beach party. Met up with jos at City Hall, chatted awhile before we went home.

I'm gonna have my lunch and watch some CSI before I continue.