excelling beyond my level.

Is money really important? As ugly as it sounds, it IS.

Too often, I've found myself thinking if only I had more money, I would've been able to.....

am I glad I find myself asking questions like these often? No. I think sometimes, the lack of having something easily and needing to work for it forces you to appreciate things a lil bit more. DId I have a difficult time growing up due to financial reasons? Probably not. I think I had a comfortable enough life. But I think I want more and I could be so much more.

I'm constantly surrounded by people who are somewhat better off than me in so many ways. Career, life, love, finances.....

Would I have a better personal life if i had more money. I honestly think I would. I woudln't be spending so much of my time fighting to get jobs and would therefore be able to spend more time with friends and not feel bad about it. I'd have more time to spend on someone I might be interested in. I would be able to take trips with them (truth be told, all this was sparked by me seeing italian girl travelling around during the break with friends and I wished I could've been there).

If I had more money, I'd be able to do the shoots I so want to do and pull it off and not constantly have to worry about the budget. Anything and everything I can do just to get that shot I want.

Would money make my life better? Without a doubt. Would it bring happiness? Well, I think that's a matter of every individual's life views. Money won't necessarily bring happiness if you aren't happy in the first place and have no ability to be.



ON LOVE.
I've often been told if you were able to let things go so quickly with a person, then this person isn't the one. I never realised it till now but I still am really attracted to italian girl. And it didn't hit me till now, when I saw another guy necking her (well, in all fairness, I think he was doing it to everyone cos he was doing shots) and I know she and him are just good friends but it bugged the shit out of me. And know, iv'e tried distancing (one reason being cos I was busy on my own stuff), thinking this would make things easier and time would just make me lose all feelings for her and when I do see her again, I'd see her in a different light and she woudln't be all that perfect.

And the reality is, she isn't even all that perfect either. We have different music tastes and that's a big thing to her as it is. And sometimes I feel like I'm on a different plane than she is. And also the fact that she doens't feel the same about me. THere are other reasons as well which prevents her from being the most ideal person I could think of. But then, I wonder if any of those reasons really matter as much as I think them to.

It's fucking ridiculous.


GERM
then there's the german girl who I don't feel like I have that strong a feelings for. She's just someone who i know i can rely on and we're constantly pushing each other to get to our goals. She's back in germany for now and it's definitlely not something that can work out and make any sense at all. She's amazing in her own way. One thing does get in the way. She's uber into black dudes. Biggest obstacle I reckon. But shouldn't every obstacle in life, in anything, be jsut a goal to overcome if it's something you really desire?

I think at the end of the day, I'm just confused about what I want in love. And until I know what that is, I'll never know who is the right person for me.

The struggle continues