It's that time again, for self reflection, realisation, denial and badgering.

It's interesting how far I've gone since my teenage years and how the problem has always remained there.. cept with different dynamics. And maybe I haven't quite accepted how things are... or commited to any one thing.

I often question why couldn't I just settle. Just settle with what's in front of me. Or maybe, i'm just too aware of myself.

I've been evaluating Army girl and weighing the points about her. I know she's good for me. I get to be kiddish around her and she tolerates that. We have somewhat mutual respect for each other. I thought it interesting how she was open to my suggestions about placemat choices (she had wanted to soup up her dining area and i was around to give my opinion). And I definitely value her suggestions when she's on set.

She knows what she wants and doesn't waver and sometime, that throws me off. I'll admit, that's a tad intimidating at times. She'll be there for me. That I know.

Here's the complex problem. There's been instances where she's just there, like napping or there'll be 'moments' when I think I should make a move. But there's always something stopping me. I mean, the feeling of the moment's there. But the one thing that always holds me back is physical attraction. Don't get me wrong. She's not horrible looking. She does look odd from certain angles but I'm realising, most people do anyway. But with her, I feel like I'm inheriting a problem I had experienced in the past. So she's 21 now. And she's pretty much like YL (1st gf). She just doesn't know how to dress like a girl.

So while what's going for her is cos she's a guy's kinda girl, that is also what is working against her. And maybe I'm getting a lil picky but at the end of the day, and while clothes will be off anyway, I still wanna be with someone who knows how to do sexy.. like girly sexy. So far, the times I've seen her in a dress, it just looks plain awkward. And how the hell do you tell someone they look.. odd. She's got a big frame. She's not fat, but she's just got a big frame and not knowing how to dress for it. I'm wondering if it's cos of her posture or how she acts in it.

And anytime i ever feel like, that 'moment' again, and all i need to think of is her in dress i'll be like.. ok... bad idea. And while I could always go into things hoping things will turn out for the better later but I've learnt very early, going into a potential r/s, hoping a person would change, or trying to change someone, is not healthy at all. So the only other option is to accept her the way she is but man, i dunno... i know it sounds really shallow but i wanna be able to go have a nice fancy dinner once in a while or go to an event and bring my gf and not have to worry how she's gonna look.

I kinda sidetracked there, it was supposed to be one of them occasional self bashing sessions.

all the problems aside with army girl, I feel like I ain't good enough for her. Like I feel like she's too... 'pure' and that i'm just a corrupting force. She's got a nice family. Goes to church every once in a while,a nice and decent person. I almost feel like I need to find someone who's got SOME flaws, some issues, just so I won't feel so bad for being fucked up.

It's so contradictory. I know i can be a good bf. but i know i'm going to fuck up. I know i ain't good enough and sometimes that just stops me from doing anything more. I somehow feel that people are better off without me in their lives. And that being with me will eventually bring grief. It's so weird how I can be confidents about all aspects of my life and sometimes myself but I don't see myself to do any better with r/s.

A large factor is my work. I love my work too much. I will always devote my time and attention to my work. Even though I know there will be disappointments, i know the road isn't going to be easy but I will always believe in it. And it's sucha long way from where I was from. I don't know how to balance work and love. Fact of the matter is, while I am saddened by that, I am also ok with it.

Maybe I need to come to terms with where I am in my career before I can start to say, ok, i shall start to pay more attention to love. But the curse with doing what I do. To be good, you almost never settle for what you've done. You never settle for where you are at the current moment. You push for more. You keep excelling.

Somehow, to balance both love and work seems not fair for either. And focusing purely on one would mean excelling in it at the expense of the other. And between the two, love seemed to be more fated to take the back seat.

I wanna ramble more but my eyes are a tad tired and i'm trying to recover from a throat infection so a nap would probably would do me good.