I've been spending a lot of time with this asian chick, ex of a friend and right now, a good friend. We connect on some levels but not always. There are some bits of her I know I will just have a problem with her in the future. For one, she's too much of a goody 2 shoe but I know that can be, well, motivated out of... she exudes a lil bit of a Y (last gf of 3 yrs) characteristic on some level but a nicer, more mellowed version. She's nice and sweet, a graphic designer. AND... she's 26 if that counts for anything. But I don't think she's all that mature. But then, sometimes I dont' think I am anyway.

but last night, i was working on a project with her at her apartment and there were so many moments I just felt nostalgia hit me so hard. There were moments that brought me back to the times with Y, the familiarity and comfort. So much so I felt so much like kissing her. But deep down... I knew it wouldn't be fair to her simply cos I'm too messed up in my personal life and too unsure of what I want. I wonder if my desire for wanting something more in a person is obstructing me and preventing me from seeing what's in front of me.

I think I'm just lonely, especially in trying times right now and I feel like I'm fighting against the world to get what I want. I miss love. I miss loving and genuinely caring about someone. I miss kissing someone really softly and be able to stare at her face and just smile. I miss waking up next to a person and seeing her sleeping next beside me so peacefully. Some people find sleeping babies uplifting... i find someone I care about, someone I love, sleeping soundly, really beautiful.

And it's not even the recognition of valentine's day. I didn't notice it till I went to the mall yesterday. I rarely go out so i'm not so exposed to the advertisements. I almost don't even recognise what each day means cept what I need to accomplish each day. There are so many days I'll wake up and feel like I could fly to the sky and do just about anything I want to. But the reverse is true. I have days when i feel like nothing I do will make a difference and that the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

I just wanna go home now. I dont' want to feel like I'm fighting a battle everyday. Unfortunately, the gears have been set in motion already and it really IS time to grow up and take on responsibilities. And mine right now is to succeed and pay back the folks for what they've given me.

I hope everything turns out well.