Post About Life, My Life, Your Life

so.. i managed to meet up with ERF on sat cos we had planned a shoot. And I asked her wasup witht hat message.. and guess what? apparantly, she had sent that message to EVERYONE... cos she apparantly had a couple of people who were sorta bothering her a lil and she kinda wanted to get them off her backs... So I guess that's a good thing.

Situation's better tho, tho it probably doesn't change the situation between us but hey, unless there's a chance.

I wonder about that sometimes.. y'know.. how sometimes, it's better not knowing if things are gonna happen but rather to hope and keep doing the things you do hoping that something good would come out at the end of the day. That's pretty much how people lead lives.

Why do I do what I do.. Why do i shoot. My purposes has always been to show people a new world. Basically to make images. Another reason is to make what i've always imagined in my head, into reality. Comics, movies.. photography is an excuse for me to bring to life my fantasies. Very much like filming did. Cept the good thing about photography is that i have more stories i can tell... :)

it's refreshing to know that most 'artists' i talk to, don't really wish to retire. I think for us, we want to keep doing the things we want to do cos we love doing what we do. Well, reason I know is cos for a business class, we were asked to do a career map to what we hope to achieve down the road. I guess I kinda have a rough idea but well, I'm begining to realise that there's still a lot of chances and possibilities that this could change. A lot is based on the opportunities we're going to have. For me anyway. We were looking at a couple of examples from the past classes and it's interesting to read what they've written. It's entertaining yet it's something at some point in our lives, I know we're gonna have to encounter and think about it. Cos if we don't sit down and plan it, things are just gonna pass us cos we don't look out for it and when we finally decide we want it, it's too late.

A large part of this has to do with relations. And in some way, i don't think it's just witha girl. It could be with friends or parents or family. But a large part of it is well, a relationship with a partner. Granted, it's something that you can't really have control over. I mean, I know someone who put on his plan, go back Japan and find a gf. Ridiculous as that sounds, it makes sense.

Often, I always think, my job requires a lot out of me. And as much as i desire to have another person to complete my life, i'm also aware that the demands of my job wouldn't be entirely fair to my partner. The hours and lifestyle. It's not easy. And it's tough enough as it is in school. So why IS having another person so important? You know, they always say that love is unconditional? Granted, the relationship could be but well, the reason to have it is def revolving around me... seeing how i'm trying to avoid being part of someone's life cos of what I can do for her. So why's it important to have another person apart from the obvious reason of sex? Well, it's really a lot to do with the term life partner. Someone to walk this journey we call life. So many people in our lives come and go. More so for me right now where I meet SOooo many random people that I don't neccesarily call friends. The people here lack this one thing called Yi Qi. And well, it's mainly girls really. And probably the reason why the people I find reliable and really guys. The girls here really are wayyy... too bitchy... the gossip waaay.. too much here but then, if i remember right, back in JC, it was the case too.. But I never let it affect me much. but yeah, a life partner. Why's it so important to me or even to anyone?

Validty of existence.

As much as I can say that it doesn't matter who sees what I do, so long as I'm aware of my achievements, that's all tha tmatters. Yes true. But when you come back to just your room every night, you start wondering why you're doing what you're doing and why does it matter? You don't have anyone to share your joy and achievements with and it's a really empty feeling. It's jsut not the same to go running to your friend and telling how you've worked for 5 hours for somehting to get it right. Yeah, they'll be happy but nothing beats someone who's as invested into your life as you are.. or is genuiely concerned about it rather than the usual 'tell me for fuck' cos seriously, it's really a 'you tell me for fuck' kinda scenario. Don't get me wrong, I love you guys man but you know it's not the same as telling a gf or bf that. Often, we hear or read about how we want our legacy to keep living on. I do know I want to leave behind a body of work which would have the world remembering me. It's a plan but not neccesary but would be a nice guage for success. Afterall, the more my name is out there, the more jobs and exposure I get. But seriously, validty of existence. Just needing someone who's as invested into your life as you are.

I'm not quie sure where I wanna proceeed with the whole ERF thing. I still talk to A these days. And she does wonder why we parted. I kinda said it was sparked by her reaction towards X. Well, that WAS the catalyst anyway tho not the real reason. I guess in her mind, whcih is probably true, is that I wasn'tr sure about her, about us. And that I had no plans with her in mind in my future. And oddly enouh, I had a brief plan, but well, i guess she might be right, I wasn't sure if it was her I wnated to be with. I guess in some way, i was afraid of having her for the rest of my life. Commitment phobia? I don't quite think so. But maybe cos I dont' feel like i've seen enough and maybe a part of me knew or what to know if there might be someone else better here. Am i just settling for her?

Simply, I just wasn't sure if SHE was the one for me. A I mean. I know, lotsa people to keep track of. I mean, I DO love her. There's no doubt about that. I think I still do right now. And i'm still trying to be cheeky with her as much as I can. I'm pretty sure she still has feelings for me and i do think i have some for her. But i guess, we both know we can't be together. She knows I don't quite see her as being part of my life and she's still puzzled why. I know we can't cos, well, I feel that there's still so much shit to put up wih from her and also I need someone to encourage me to pursue my goals and dreams and not fear that i'm gonna leave her for a model. or worry that i won't be able to spend time with her cos of a job. A large difficulty in being with her is that I ddin't feel that she supported my work cos it's a conflict of interest. I guess it's understandable. She wanted to spend time but somehow, work would get in the way and it's tough to be supportive of the things that are distacing you from a loved one. But I needed that. I needed someone to be really happy if i got a job which would allow me to work in say, Milan for 2 weeks. And not be bummed out about not seeing me for 2 weeks. i needed soemoen to see that. I found myself worrying about how my job is affecting my r/s and i really didn't want that.

I'm glad the thing with ERF hppened. the whole fucked up msg thing. It allowed me to step back a lil cos I think i was getting WAY.. to into things with her. It gave me a chance to see things in general in a not too involved manner seeing I could hate her for a lil bit oddly enough, gave me a more objective view of her. Working with her on the shoot as well. it's interesting and tricky managing her cos she's so hyper and active. but I kinda know that I still wouldn't mind having her in my life. But i'm also very aware that that isn't enough. That is never enough. And the tough part about me is that, i'm a purist. I don't wanna have to convince you to like me. You should already like me for who I am. But then, recent discussions with someone might have me thinking that maybe some form of tactics MIGHT be required. And I think I kinda had the idea that wooing girls is very much like sex. least how I go about it anyway. One doesn't just give everythig all at once.. Foreplay is the key. Teasing and all that. It's all a matter of building a desire but not giving it. But not to the point of frustration where the person just walks away. It's tricky... But dammit, wirth ERF, I just feel like wanting to spend time with her all the time. And I know if i disappear for a lil bit, it's not gonna matter cos well, she's got a bz life as it is.. SHE'S not gonna rememember or realise my missing presence... but then again, I don't think i've actually tried, just disappearig for a bit.. sooo.... maybe I should do that. MIA for a bit.

We'll see how that goes.. I might not do it...

Anyway, school's going on good so far. I need to stay on top of my work really. i realise I don't quite hang out with people in school somehow. Same thing for the school before. I duno why. I kinda know why over here. It's cos i can't stand some people. I just dont' understand how anyone can bitch about you partly behind your back. I think that's just fucked up. And some people's work ethics are just horrible tht it disgust me. I dunno, friends from school after secondary school is just never the same and i'm rarely the funny one cos I'm always so engrossed with my work and it's all about being serious about it. And I want people to know that I'm serious about what I do.

So let's remind myself, why do I do what I do? To recreate a world and show it to others. To bring to life fantasies which were impossible and relive them in an image. Or capture the essence of the person i'm photographing. Sometimes, when I approach people I don't know for a photograph, it's my way of stealing a part of them to keep cos I know I can't have them but at least, I have a photograph of them as keepsake. I think that's why photographers have r/s with models most of the time. Cos there's this initial attraction. Else I wouldn't be photographing you.

Anyway, it's really late and it's taken me a span of 5 horus to try to wrap this up. Fell asleep and wrote... again.. so yeah...

I do look forward to seeing you guys in 14 weeks' time. Remember boys and girls, drinking sessions man. Let's go!!

Thanks for reading.