UBER MEGAE CRUSH POST

I think my back's becoming quite a bit of a real problem. Went up to Y0SEM1TE from tuesday to thursday. Was quite nice.. went up with a friend and this girl i'm starting to like.. quite a bit. Azzuri has seen her profile before.

it's funny cos it probably isn't the first time I'm mentioning this. or feels like it isn't anyway and seems to be something i say for all the girls i like or have a crush on. But this girl (let's call her ERF, i'll tell you guys why when i talk to you guys) is kinda different from the others i've had a liking for.. Maybe cos this has allowed me to get really inside and know her really well.

I was going around [M ysp ace] - sorta like fr1endster trying to find people who were in advertising to collaborate or simply people who were in my school whom I hope I can colloborate in terms of concepts or modelling.. She was one of the few people I had 'chatted' up there but she was the only one that responded properly and from there, we kinda bounced things back and forth. I was asking her questions to find out more about her.. not really with the intent of well, pursuing her or liking her or just ot know her.. i wanted to know her so I could work her into my project and hopefully have a theme, an image that represented her.

So we wrote each other message back and forth. I left her my number for her to call me when she's in school and she left me hers and asked me to call her. So anyway, i eventually called her.. and well, we ended up meeting a week later to watch a movie and grab a bite.

now here's the thing.. one can't really consider any of those dates somehow cos i think they were simply too casual. Somehow, it almost seemed like a business and I know how ridiculous that seems cos everything screamed of a date but i somehow felt it wasn't. It was more like a hang out session.

my dilema in all these is.. i've always tried to maintain a level of professionalism. I've always tried to draw a line and make sure that no matter what.. work's work to me and should never mix with pleasure.. regardless of how one perceives the profession. Therein lies the dilema.. Because I chatted her up on the pretext of work, i feel it's unprofessional of me to think of her otherwise.. and somehow, the only way I can see past this is when I fulfil my professional obligation (which oddly enough, is taking me forever to accomplish, aiming for next thursday).

And just what about this girl that makes me think that she might just be the person for me? Interestingly enough, everything about it isn't just based on feelings. Most of the girls I used to like were based very much on mannerisms, or one aspect about them i liked... Or simply cos I thought they were cute or hot or that brief conversation seemed to make me think we have a connection (it all starts somewhere right?).

So far, prior to me thinking really serious about her, we had emailed each other a dozen times, mainly of me trying to know her a bit more so i could gleen ideas based on what she was about. I met up with her for a movie and a bite after and ended up chatting with her for 3 hours in the car (my friend seems to think that she likes me cos of that, go figure) and then, i met up with her the following day for a bite (which ended up being just drinking juice) and hung out chatting for an hour. By this time, I think i'm starting to like her a lil each time cos of what I know about her.

Often, there's always an aspect I wanted to change about the people I meet or to think that I could change to be someone better for themselves. For her, it's not that she's perfect but somehow, (maybe it's just how i've changed my mentality) but i don't feel like I want or need to change anything about her. I know she's not perfect and right now, she's still trying to make sense of many things, but I don't feel like it's going to be me to change her world, or to show her the rest of the world, or be that pillar of support for her. Not to say I won't do it but I don't expect myself to be that.

I invited her to my Y0SEM1TE trip with me and my friend. it was intially my friend's trip but I ended up joining him to keep him company (he just broke up with his gf) and I thought it would be cool to just ask her along. And oddly enough, she did.. we spent a very good time there.. it was a good experience, the place and just spending time with her... and my friend.. :p

So far, everything about her amazes me (and it might be the infatuation for her talking). What she's done in her life, what she likes, what she is able to do and how she thinks. Right down to the silly faces she makes as well. She acts a lil bit.. does graphic design.. does editing, studied 3 years of psychology with the intention of going to med school but never went through with it. She's a good soccer player based on the lil bit of small 'tricks' i've seen her do with rocks. She snowboards, was a figure skater when she was really young. She's a lil bit musically inclined, plays the guitar and drums and is trying to playing around with electronica. She's easy going.. chill and isn't fussy. Squeezed into the tent meant for 2 with me and my friend. Didn't mind getting dirty as well. And apart from all these, we talk to each other fine. Amazing even... i've never been able to hold a good proper conversation with a person.. least no one here anyway. And i've always been struggling to maintain one.. but here is someone I feel i can say or discuss anything with. or have a lil debate as well. It's this thing that has allowed me to know so much about her and feel connected to her. I really love that. Helps she's good looking too.

She's somehwat perfect and somehow, that bit scares me. There's too many things about her I like. Too many for me to be comfortable with. I feel I might lose myself yet not cos she reminds me a lil of me and maybe therein lies the relation and connection.

i'm still trying to adapt to the phone culture here and how people communicate here. The phone culture isn't all that hot here. not as crazy as back home where people are constantly on their phones either to text/sms or to talk (speaking of which, i can't wait for 1 year to be up to change my plan to a more sms savvy one, i rarely talk for a 1000 mins / month anyway). So i'm trying very hard to NOT sms her or call her too often. I don't wanna come off as being clingy or any of that. Not to mention, i need to remember that we all have our own lives to lead.

So yeah, what's the next step? I dunno, i did tell her how i felt about her when we were on the trip. On the last night, we were sitting by the fire and just talking .. for 2 hours odd i think. And i told her how i felt about her and my dilema about lines being drawn. and I tried to kiss her once.. which didn't turn out well... perfect... but it wasn't entirely a shot down effort either. But come to think about it.. i don't quite remember what it was she said. but it wasn't anything awkward after that either.. we talked about it.. i think it was more along the lines of.. there's a lot of things happening in her life right now.. And i do understand that.. there really is.. and somehow, it's not something she wants to think about right now.. which I too can understand that. So yeah, i guess the message is.. she's not ready to think about anything about r/s right now cos she doesn't know what to think abotu anything. She's not sure about so many things about herself and where her life's gonna go from now (she just graduated from a music / film school esque thing and she's deliberating on where to go from ehre, my school or keep working) and a large part is also her trying to figure what she wants and who she is. And somehow, until that is done, incoporating another person in is just going to complicate things. And in some way, the sucky thing is, all this makes sense and are very true reasons which I totally accept.. and I guess the important thing is.. i know she isn't bullshitting me either.

All in all.. it's a wait and see game. The good thing is.. she's still willing to get to know each other more... And in some way, that's still something I appreciate. Also, we still haven't accomplished the project that got us started anyway. And know what? end of the day, even if it doesn't work out.. i AM still thankful that i have her as a friend cos she's someonw I would wanna hold on to. Not cos of a professional level-esque thing but a great friend to talk to.

THE TRIP UP THE MOUNTAINS
Serioulsy felt like a reprise to the days of army. Spent a day climbing a big fucking ass mountain. N this one is really mountain and not them pathetic hills we got back home. It's to the point where you're above clouds. It was supposed to be a 4-5 hour round trip hike. but fucking hell, bloody shiong. It rained as well. Didn't help the temperature was 0 degrees celcius and i had a leg cramp (body ran out of salts, i always forget that fact about myself) nearing the top. I do think akc158 would appreciate the hike up seeing how much of a fitness person he is sometimes. I know azzuri would appreciate the views. I honestly don't quite dig the whole 5 hour drive up to the camp site and hiking 2-3 hours up to see clouds and mountains and waterfalls. I mean, i WAS awestruck by the sight, yes.. but i wouldn't neccesarily do that always. check out the shots i made. it IS rather breath taking..

I spent 4 days at the campsite. first day was mainly a drive up day. 2nd day was the shiong day up the mountain. it was nice tho cos ERF (girl i'm liking from above) had a bad experience with cliffs and edges and it IS rather dangerous at certain points of the trial, so i had been there to hold her hand up precarious ridges and al that but only for brief moments but it was comforting nonetheless. 3rd day, we spent doing some bouldering (a ver. rock climbing) and on the forth day, we had a dramatic exit fueled by the appearance of snow (my first time with it.. it was amazing.. :) ) Each night, we ended the day with a nice meal of well marinated chicken with different things accompanying it. Of course, all this is bbq styled. And i think it's the most number of days in succesion where i have drank alcohol. Every night there'd def be tequila invovled in the drinks. Sometimes, it's with vodka and triple sec. it was mainly menad ERF drinking the tequila tho cos my other friend was more of a wine person. I'm down to 1/10th of my bottle it's scary.. Good tequila too.. :) learning to appreciate that. Interestingly enough, I never got drunk. Might be the cold that's allowing the alcohol to burn off fast.. I dunno.

Felt very muhc like a slack field camp. Sleeping in tents (rather cramp and uncomfortable), camp fire.. :p and bbq... no showering for 4 days. I did however, still try to do my facial washes in the morning and brush my teeth. We slept right by the river. All in all, it was a very good experience. And of cos.. made so muhc better by the presence of ERF.

Now i'm back in my apartment with a darn back ache and wondering if i'm still having dinner with ERF later today seeing she hasn't gotten back to me on that but even if that doesn't happen, it's fine cos i still have a bunch of stuff I need to do as well.

I thin i've ranted on long enough as well. Another week til the break ends and i'm still trying to set up that shoot for ERF as well as a road trip with me and just her to get to know each other a lot more (tho it almost feels like we already have but no such thing as too much). I need to work 3 days next week in school and try to complete my computer admin stuff as well as finances as well as equipment procurement.

Alrighty.. thanks for listening people... Hope everyone's well.. And has fatboy managed to acquire his head set for $kype yet? We need to talk man.