I've been wanting to blog for so long but i never found the time, or opportunity cos i knew tt i'd be going on for half an hour or an hour at the rate tt i ramble sometimes. I have a conclusion at the bottom which is somewhat of a advice for myself sorta thing .. probably sounds retarded but what the fuck hah.. :p

As per all postings... i always do warn people of negative ramblings which seem to serve no purpose. Well, it does if you wanna have an insight of what i'm thinking but then, most people probably know me enough to even need to read about em.

I sometimes wish I would and could blog about happy things rather than only when i'm moody. It makes it a drag to read i'm sure. so hence the warning before the post... it IS gonna be a drony.. sorta post so read on n be careful.

Pretty much a lot about this post is about my experience here, the people I meet and how I'm dealing with things here.

If I had a choice of how I should and could be.. i wish I was how I was back in home somewhat of a year ago. I wish I was more certain of myself... I wish I was more confident than I am right now. I guess lacking a main source or bunch of reliable friends is a large factor.

I've pretty stopped confiding in some over here cos.. i dunno... y'know.. when people don't feel dependable... you sorta lose confidence in them as a friend. And some, you just get the vibe that they just aren't that interested in what you say. Its discouraging when the only response u get sometimes is.. 'mhm'... enough of that shit i say.

I just took a half hour shower. In case some who don't know, tt just usually means i've been thinking alot or having a lot to pour out. I kinda appreciate these kinda moments sometimes.

I've pretty much given up on the idea o dating somehow. It's just a fairytale to me right now. Somehow, the way i'm built just makes it more difficult.. least it feels that way anyway. I just ain't into the whole rules of the game neither do i know it well enough either. i dn't know if calling is permissable or if tt would blow my game. So yeah. tt's just dealing with the norm. Then, there's oso the bit tt i'm an intl student. I've come to feel that sometimes, i'm a hassle simply cos westernised as I am, culture here is still new to me and requires explaining...

at the start, it can be interesting to hear of this strange foreign place. But as it goes on, in everyda life, it becomes a chore to try to listen. Which I think is perfectly normal. I mean, end of the day, I think I just have this fear that people just don't wanna end up needing to explain every single thing. See... it isn't the language but mainly the cultural difference. I dunno, people would probably say i'm just over thinking things but somehow, this one experience with this one person just gives me that impression. People aren't neccesarily that patient which is expected.

I do a lot of self reflection... maybe too much than should be needed. I always fear that I end up being too 'buggy' when I'm calling people. But then, i wonder, cos how things are in cultures, maybe not just here... i think that maybe they're waiting for me to call too.

I then wonder to myself, why's it so important actually have someone to date. I've always went through most part of my life for the last few years back home thinking that I CAn survive alone. And when I can do so and am able to live with myself, then having someone along for the ride ain't too tough. I guess the thing is.. it's a cycle... or rather, a loop. Because without this one person, I feel lacking and incomplete. Seemingly, tt's key and part to forming what and how I am.

A lot of how we are and react to things really reflects our upbringing. There's no doubt in that. Sometimes, a neglect in upbringing causes that as well. I've come to realise, a lot of what and how I do things, how I am.. is very similar to my mom. Courtesy, decency, hospitality... And I've realise that when i'm somewhat close to someone.. anyone... be it friends or partners, care and concern comes in concentrated doses. I just try to look for them as much as I can.. and sometimes, I think, it's more than is required.

Ok... i think i've spent enough time trying to write this but this is not happening. THings sorta made more coherent sense in my mind when I was in the shower... now, it's all a mess.


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CONCLUSION
I'm not sure what exactly it is .. but I guess now is the time to move on. Move on past myself... past the negative thoughts and return to how I usually think. If i were someone else and I had to give myself advice, I'd say... look past what's happening now.. or what you think is happening. I've never believed much in a higher being.. or maybe I do but I just don't recognise ONE source. i believe in life and hope. I think that's what drives us as humans. Believing in something we ain't sure will happen but we still go through with things anyway. That's how life is. We do things with a hope that everything will turn out for the best without knowing for sure. And that's life. And it's gonna be full of disappointments. What drives is hope. No one's gonna know if love is gonna come to you. Or anything for that matter. What we can do is lay steps along the way hoping it leads us to what we want or aid things towards us like a lighthouse.

As for friends and self reflection.. quit being so hard on yourself and taking things personally. I'd say give people a chance but i think it's come to a point that it gets tiring. If so.. move on. let go, look forward and not back. you're a decent guy and stop second guessing what you do. Forward ho!!!

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I hope I don't do this too often... talking to myself like this.. :p pretty sure that's how split personalities are created.