I think to myself, what's makin a break up with her so difficult. And I try to find ways to break it to her and I realise that I fear that I'd hurt her. That is the basis of what's holding me back. I can't bear to hurt her. As vengeful I sound in previous post, I just don't think I can do it. Hurt her that is.

But am I really prolonging the hurt? Holding on only to have the hurt be larger in the future?

I weigh the points of what I should tell her.

Right now she tells me that everything is ok. And under that assumption, it's regarding GFTP. I also understand that he doesn't require her to choose now, but then again, he doesn't seem to be feeling the same wave of emotions that she is expressing to him. But this doesn't really solve the larger issue. You see, so long as the decision is based on circumstances caused by either me or him, it doesn't show me anything. End of the day, if she comes back to me, I'll feel shortchanged cos it's simply because things didn't work out as well as she had planned it. In short, the one who proves his worth gets her vote. And sincerely, that sucks. Asked, what's a relationship without trust? Nothing really. The trust is no longer there. And I can't imagine for it to return either. The moment's lost.

But my fear is to leave her alone. On her own. I fear that I can't be there to take care of her and that she'd do stupid things and she has the tendency to do that. But maybe these fears come from years of babying her and now I'm forced to let go. I feel that the reason I'm holding back and holding on is simple because of this. Fear. Fear to hurt her.

Or maybe I'm just afraid I might not find someone who'd accept me as much as her. And that I'd never build that same level of comfort as I did with her. But i'm not even thinkin so much about this, else, i'd be amassing a whole bunch of backups and stuff but I ain't.

But maybe I should be evaluating myself and what is she to me. Cos I'm going on lamenting on the purity of love abt others without askin me the question on why I'm stayin with her. And somehow I see the fear to hurt her as a primary reason.

So now, I can no longer trust her nor can I foresee myself doing so after all that has happened. U noe, if she had told me, "I had the chance to go with this guy, I was tempted but I thought who did I really want to be and the answer is you". I might actually have thought twice but the reality is that she had deliberated for too long a time. And when faced with a simliar age old qs as who do u love or soemthing to tt extent, she goes, why can't I have 2? That's just plain BS. Enough is really enough. And seriously, promises don't hold that much anymore. Words to me coming from her.

I thought that having someone dependent on me might be a good thing. Or rather, someone I could take care of beign good, without realising that it worked against me. I couldn't trust this same person to stay true or behave on her own. And that she's always looking for a shoulder to lean on simply because she feels that she can't support herself. The same reason I fell in love with her was all for the wrong reasons. Someone I could take care of? Who was I kidding. Years later, I'm thinkin, fuck man. I need someone to be able to take care of herself. More so when I'm unable to and this person must be able to stand on her two feet. And not have me worrying abt her or whether she'd run off. Granted, I might this same problem with even an independent one but at least the reason's not freakin cos I can't be alone with somebody else and I dont' have any other life. Cos when I compare with peeps I know are strong in their own sense, they have their own lives, and they don't crave another so much as one who relies so much on the presence of another person. Granted that these people do need company from time to time and that is normal. But I'm just saying that chances are lesser. Of course temptation is always there and the risk is equally there with each person but I guess it's the matter of who has the higher resistance towards it.

I'd hoped the time away from each other would teach her some independence n little reliance on the people conveniently there for her. But I might just be wrong with the emergence of GFTP proving to me once again that her heart falters easily.

Chatting with her and apparantly she had wanted to test his reaction to this whole ordeal and in her own words, it's not worth it. Apparantly he might not be all that serious. Which is exactly as said above. Back to me simply because the other guy didn't reciprocrate as much as she had wanted. IE, didn't step up to par. What then if he did.

How to do it. Would I be a chicken shit if i hinted or made a break up over msn? :P sigh.. we'll see..