Things are FINALLY out in the open. Sheesh, took her a vodka to get her yapping. Here's the story, which isn't too far from wad was suspected actually.

GFTP finally Y's her status and has decided to step back, askin her to choose. I'd say 'the nerve' but as she said, who wouldn't expect that things would turn in their favour. As I was telling X ytd, it doesn't matter anymore who she chooses cos enuff is enuff. Right now, I'm wanting Y to choose as well. There's a number of scenarios and as much as I wanna play em right, I realised I couldn't keep it straight all the time.

(Rule is this, I want her to determine the outcome and I want her to make the choice, to make her responsible for the events cos she's having it too easy and I dont' want the decision to be based on circumstances cos one person stepped back, I want her choice.)

1. I could step back completely and let that guy have an easy one (not sure if he'd find it satisfactory and might not want it but I highly doubt so.)
2. I could act as normal as I could and pretend things don't happen and don't tackle the issue AT ALL.
3. I could lay back and want her to choose.
4. I might subconciously be pulling back (and in reality, tt's wad is really happenin right now)

I seriously would consider stepping back and just let things happen but part pride doesn't want the other dude to have an easy time. Also, I'll never know who she chose. And it doesn't resolve the problem and I'm giving her an easy time by deciding for her. AND... I don't wanna do another YL. Ya know, step back amicably so tt she don't gotta choose and all tt. Fuck no man. This time I want her to suffer the loss and if it means her not having anyone at the end so be it. Cos I can be a fucker and make trust issue for them right from the start by throwing in a wrench.

She has the nerve to say I got it good wad cos she's still with me. Technically, I could ignore the whole issue altogether and allow them to still meet so long she still meets me but I know that's so not normal man. I mean, it feels like a can of worms just waiting to burst out. I can't imagine how she could see that as a good thing. Schizo would jsut say that she's enjoying the attention. I could make it easier for her to decide by uppin the not so desireable factors on my side like going out wif gals incessantly (machiam got a string of them liek tt) or keep sayin tt i'm out wif X which might or might not be the case. But tt's giving her an easy one cos I don't want her to think tt, oh, this one is a losing better liao, lemme go to the more pow jia (confirm can eat) one.

People say that when u feel like you're losing something, you tend to try to hold on to it tighter or do things to stop that from happenin. Y was one classic one ytd. Cos after she told me the whole story and when I asked if she was gonna decide, she said she wasn't gonna do anything. I told her it wasn't fair to both the guys but she still refuses and that sorta irked me and somehow, I wasn't as capable I thought I was cos I started to distant myself.I think she's fully aware that if she allows me to go too far, I'll be lost to her.

When i thought about things that have happened, I'm so saddened by it all. I so wanted to cry to her and ask why did they happen. But I'm restricted. I've always stood by the simplicity of this rule. Be with me not cos of anything else but cos you simply want to be with me. Period. It's romantic I know but I don't want my r/s to be held together by guilt, by obligation or a responsibility or sympathy or any other emotional devices. The reason should be simple. Be with me cos you WANT to be with me. Not because of what I have done, or what you have invested or the people you'd be disappointing or how people would think. It's what I think is a simple rule of love or sustainin a relationship. True, commitment would eventually play a part but don't stay cos of obligation. I know it sounds like it's one and the same but it ain't really. One's free will.

But judging by the way things are going, i might actually be deciding for her cos I am incapable of being normal cos it seems to fake and somehow, as much as I thought I had the ability to deceive, I don't. I somehow couldn't and right now, she's really grasping for air cos my tolerance of her nonesense is gone. I'm grumpy, easily irked and all that from just yesterday. She mentioned that is it cos I no longer see that she is worth the trouble. I couldn't bring myself to say it but I think she knew as well. She commented how come I'm not as lovey dovey as before. And lamented that maybe she shouldn't have said anything.

She questions why she can't be with 2 people. And somehow, it seems to be a replay of events years ago. Y laments that if only I didn't have to go overseas but that's not really the issue. I can have as much faith and commitment as she does. But so long as she keeps thinkin n not having the confidence in the r/s lasting then it's really not worth the keeps.

Is trust really still there? There can't be. It'll never be. And events now prove it. Somehow, this whole thing I'm doing is hopefully my last lesson to her that everything she does needs responsiblity and there'll always be consequences and she needs to face up to them, rather than running away, avoidin the whole issue altogether. It's the reality of life and you can't always run away from them. I could just go quietly but I'm fully aware that she won't learn anything from it. I'll just be another ex. Just another one she's waned down. The ex was really a nice guy. He did and tolerated much from her until she pushed it too far.

I need to reinvent myself again, like before. Be who I was, to be independent. To stand tall and alone as before. I feel that being in this relationship has made me weak in certain areas and sorta lost myself in the process and maybe it's normal after being in a long term relationship but I guess experience would have to play a part in all this. I can't be sad nor regret things. I'll probably KPKB which might be the equivalent of that but wadeva that gets me to get over things. if it takes me to hate her, then I'd do just that.

When we were done, she said she loved me. I said I loved her as well tho I know full well that wasn't the case anymore. I know I did but I'm also aware that I no longer felt the same for her. This love is slowly diminishing. Will it take it off again? I don't know but as the days go by, I see lesser and lesser hope. Would I return to her should she choose me over the other guy? There's a possiblity but right now, I highly doubt so. But maybe this is the catalyst I need to propell me out of the relationship. Break up is a hard thing to do and a hard thing to get over but I guess I got to stay true to what I believe to be right and not allow the moment to get ahead of itself like how it did last night. Partially regret but yet opportunistic.

I have no doubts that I do love her and that we had love between us but it's not the love I pine for and know I would desire for. As each passing r/s comes along, I am more and more aware of what I want in a r/s and a person. Should I settle for what I got when this person doesn't seem to do so? Should I lower my standards and requirements? Well, I'm still young and lest I'm in my 30s, then I'll start worrying. Else, I quite happy being a swinging bachelor with money in my hands and hopefully enough libido to go around.

It's time for my show right now. Thanks for listening and hopefully hear some bit of what you guys gotta say maybe in your blogs or tags or something. Take care dudes. Good sunday to you all.