(fyi, I might just publish this entry prematurely cos Y might interupt anytime.)

What's my life been since the drinkin session on Wednesday early morn? Well, kinda lots to update. I've sorta come to terms easier these days. A lil heck care if u asked me.

I met up wif Y to sort out some issues with her regarding the boy from the past. Well, tt was settled over the whole period of meeting up. Talking about it here and there. I tried to relearn some bits about her again and all. Sorta like when I'm chasing someone tt sorta thing. Guess felt like i needed to understand them more. Schizoshoes seem to think I'm being too nice and all with me putting up with her nonesense and seems to think me a defender of rights of all sorts. I dunno, but in all fairness, she did say maybe she doesn't know the whole picture lah. But like I told schizo, I know who to talk to if I want added emphasis for my break.

Anyway, brought her to Marina South to have a scenic view of the city sky scraper in the night. She was pretty awed by it. Had chatted with her all the way there about her n the other guy and it really irks the living daylights outta me when I ask her about whether she liked the other guy or had feelings for the other, she starts having a nervous laughter/giggle kinda thing. I'm like WTF!!!!!! And it's not only for tt day. I'm like, CB lah, get over it lah.

We didn't really resolve anything but I do hope that after our talk, it'd make her think about things properly cos I seriously don't wish to have these kinda discussions too often. It's like I'm reiterating the same bloody fucking point all the time. And sometimes, I wonder whether izit really my blessing that after all the incidents, she still returns to me. Cos I'd have figured that after so many times, it'd occur to her to learn her lesson and close her darn eyes, but noo.... But anyway, this was all partly due to mydoing. Itchy finger. Sheesh. Just cos I thot it to be the right thing to do. But I guess I'll always be that sorta sucker. Cos when I advise, it's not for the sake of myself or the relationship but for her and what she wants or desires at that point in time. And that fuckin point in time, she had wanted to reconnect wif her friend. So this bodo, nothing better to do, go help her. KNNB. And see lah, dig a hole for myself only wad.

X called during my drive with Y. I tell u, seriously need to catch myself if I wanna pull a stunt off man cos my defence was down man. Going up the ramp, en unknown house number calls, en ask me for outing the next day, then i partially remember/forgot tt Y was beside me and I was so enthusiastically talkin. Fuck man. Ask me who, I had to tell her it was X and that asked me for some movie launch. Y couldn't stand the way I spoke to X and yadayadayada. In my head I'm like thinkin, muhahaha... right back at ya.

X's from sch tho I didn't quite know tt til I got to know her over at a studio shoot. Schizo, keep this mum cos it's nothing at all. Nothing's happened, might not happen ever or anything. But maybe. I doubt it tho. Else not, nice to haf a new person to talk to from time to time. I see it as a form of self discovery especially if the person's a pretty alright person to connect with. And X is a pretty alright person to talk to. Tho she can be a bit typically bitchy :p But she's nice peeps to talk to lah. But not sure of her stand on things. Cos from what I understand, she's quite a friend friend kinda person with most people so wadeva vibe I have might be nothing. But it's not like I'm considering. She's attached tho she's having a bit of a similar issue wif her side. Trust and all. Lamented that if a better ship comes along, she'd take it. And I somehow ain't tt far from that right now. NOt ebing the better ship lah but waiting for an ideal candidate to drop Y. Bad of me to do so? Forced I'd say.

I've always been aware of a particular problem of mine. I fall for a person very very easily. I mean like real easy. Treat me a lil nice, can chat well and looks alright, not neccesarily drop dead gorgeous (tho i think i should up my standards from the past peeps u guys saw me with. :p ) Be all of that and I might start liking you or takin an interest in ya. But dont be too weird out. Being aware of all these, I usually don't allow things to get too far with people I meet. I usually don't allow people to get too close or should the need to or should things happen, I'd remind myself of my own status. But wif X is different cos I'm very aware of what might be happening on my side, not neccesarily hers and I'm not doign anything to stop it but might rather advancing things forward.

See, being aware of all these, I never start things. I go around with my eyes closed like during my college years. That's why I was able to stay true in my r/s then. But in my current, when my gal goes with her heart open to wadeva attention that comes along, I start questioning what the fuck am I doing? Is this someone I wanna be wif for the rest of my life? And all the faults start falling outta the closet. But yet people ask me, if she's that much of a problem, why don't i just leave her.

I don't know. Least I don't know what's the exact reason cos there's quite a handful.

Romnatically, despite all that has happened, despite all the faults, I still love her in the sense where I care for and am concerned for which i attribute these as acts of love and therefore, must love her. But maybe this is a wrong approach to getting the definition of love.

Practically, 1. I could be afraid of the void that the break up might cost. 2. I could be afraid I won't be able to find someone who can take my quirks and hence hanging on for fear.

Cos we are very very different people. With different characters. I am an extrovert and she' introverted so that gets in the way of how I imagine a r/s to be cos she detest meeting people whereas I see meeting her friends as a form of knowing her world better but she chooses to maintain tt it's not a habit of hers, so fine. Be that way tho I have my suspicions that someitmes it may not be tt simple and that the appearance of me might hamper possible suitors and attention but nothing concrete (might be but she's not realising it, who knows.)

She shares a diff interlect level from moi. Now, I seriously don't think I'm a genius or a smartie. Neither am I well read like Mr Juve (sorry, can't think of a better nick for now. :p ) who can sprout facts like no one else i know. I'm not all that academically smart. Weirdly enough, I so darn surprised to find someone of a lower interllect than me. Alright, I know it's mean but well, anyway, it limits my avenues for discourse. I'm seriously one chatty person who likes to talk about all sorts of funny things at times and tho it's ridiculous to banter about the weirdest things, it satisfies me. Somehow, I don't think I share tt same connection with Y.

We like different things as well.

Yet tho being so different, she's been a nice gf through the years. Putting up with my quirks, my passions (takin photos while in the middle of something), being there when i needed her most of the time (very important cos that's really what the other half is for really). She loved me when I didnt' think much of that in the past cos I thought I loved myself enough but I guess there's never such a thing as too much love cept when it extends past the opposite sex of course. But through the years, she's driven me up the wall countless times but yet we still stick through it all. Could we be together cos we've already tried so hard tt it's really a shame to let all those energy and time go to waste?

It's funny. I told myself to ease off from her so that when the break eventually comes, I can handle it easier. But yet, when she was being difficult (clearly from her being lost about things) I was patient through the whole episode. She was moody and didn't feel like doing anything but going back to her home alone. I could've just left her be cos that would've went with my plan of distancing so much easier yet I felt it difficult to do so and stuck through it all when she eventually came through and we went back to my place for makan.

Soemtimes I wonder is it cos I'm too drilled to do so. has it been a habit? I swear I need to lower my tolerance level. I mean, she was being normally difficult, I can throw her off but when it's so apparent tt something larger is bugging her, I somehow can't bear to let her be on her own. Maybe part of me fears that she might run off to someone else if I'm not there to catch her.

Another development on the GFTP (guy/boy from the past). Found out that Y had told him she's attached. I guess I should see it as a good thing cos first time, by her admission that she's attached given her past history of trying to be funny by not being too revealing of her status. But her reason behind her action was simply cos she was afraid that she might lose him like before and she really didn't wanna lose contact with him. I wonder should I judge it for that motivation or should I feel relieved that she did it either on her own accord or after the talk we had on wednesday night.

In any case, things are still pending in that area and i'm really takin one step at a time yet preparing for when the shit hits the fan. Things are in a limbo now. We'll see how things go.