fuck, dun even noe how to start this post.

My whole r/s is about to become the biggest fuckin masqurade i'll ever perform. Everything's all wrong right now. We've come to establish that I can no longer trust her. Silly thing is, I'll never be able to find out anything to prove what I believe lest I break some rules and that in itself will get me into deeper shit in her eyes than now.

Right now, her stand is that I'm suffocatin her with all my insecurites. The problem now is, all my points are all based on her past, her actions now compared to before.

You broke my faith in all these years.

So much of myself just wants to let her go just for what she's putting me through. The fucking problem is what I can see isn't apparent to her. And so long as she's not aware, all I comment about her will never hold in her eyes.

Through her replies, I've managed to establish that she's not entirely over the dude. I mean, come on, ask if you still have feelings for this guy, she can laugh and take a pause and say no. I probe further and she says that these feelings won't completely go away. But it's the same for everyone, this person is a period in her life and she doesn't want to change or lose that bit. I asked if she's completely over him, and she says can't be completely over person tt kinda thing. I'm like saying, sure u can, I can be completely over my ex and another gal, so that doesn't hold. But she maintains otherwise.

I have no fucking idea how's tt gonna fucking comfort me. But she keeps maintainin that she's diff from me and that's how she is and she doesn't wanna change the way she is. Am I to go on with all these knowing that she still possibly has feelings for this guy?

So here I have this gal that has issues, who's not willign to change and I'm just supposed to accept it as it is. Issues i can deal with but onces it starts destablising the r/s, it's something to worry for. I've already tolerated past events. Am I to wait for another to unfold once again.

I keep thinkin back of what happened and I can't help but feel tt another's coming my way again. Should be a comfort that she stuck to me all those years? Is this guy any different from the guys before? Wil she realise once again, that it's wrong and she'll eventually come back?

I guess the problem now is before all this, she's already shaken my foundation in the past weeks with unrelated events and now, to have this is somehow causing more unstability.

I told her if I ever found out that this guy n her has something going on, I will hate for the fool she made me. but as I told jos, if anything were to have happen, me hating her is probably not much of an issue.

right now, I'm holding on simply because I don't want her to have what she wants and more also for the fact to allow that guy to have what he wants. He wants her, fucking fight for her. I'm not gonna hand her over on a silver platter. But in order to do that, I have to keep up with appearances and hide all my uncertainties, my doubts from sight and be all lovey dovey but yet having things boiling in me.

I know for sure that if I do make a wrong step, she will automatically fall towards him. She knows it very clearly and as do I. So she can be painting the town red in front of my face but so long as I don't catch her doing anything red handed, I have nothing. And who's to say tt by the time I do catch her, it isn't already too late and by then, it doesn't really matter.

I will never quell these doubts simply because they haven't been satisfyingly answered to. And even if they have, like I said, not satisfyingly answered.

The only way I can pull off all these is to get back to how I was before. To put love and the whole r/s shibang/sheebang last on my list of priority. To gain back my mentality that love is NOT everlasting and that shit will always happen. And funnily enough, I feel that the love is already gone. Or rather, it's been distributed. Maybe because she wants to devote attention to her friends knowing that I'll eventually go and that's all she'll ever have left.

Maybe I just gotta let her go now, in me, so that when the day does come, when I do break off with her, it's not tt I won't feel hurt, but rather, I won't feel sore for passing her to someone else. Right now, I'm still not comfy wif giving tt guy a free lunch. But so much of me just wants to let her go. Suddenly it doesn't matter what we were anymore. I see so many, so much reasons to let her go. The perks no longer sustain itself. I'm desperate to sustain it, to keep her close and I don't want to do that.

Stupidly enuff, it's a daily affair to wake up facing all this. (well, it's been ony 3 days so well, not tt long a period). I used to be sad with sorrow in the nights. Now, it's the morning and nights. When I woke up today, it's the first thing I think about, it's the first thing I feel.

I need to find something for me to do. A purpose. But I need my fucking cam cos my bro got it over at HK, sheesh. I need to distract, to forget, to disconnect. But yet, a bit of me keeps thinkin that it's an over-reaction on my part. That maybe there isn't anything. And all this she does is in prepartion for my departure. Maybe it is, and if I keep remindin myself that, it'd make things alright. But her replies. It disturbs me so much. Maybe she knows that we ain't gonna work and that she's doing all she can to make the break up easier this time round. Maybe.

I seriously wish her all the best in her future relationships. Should I tell her that she is flawed. Simply because of her inability to change herself but choosing to accept that which would affect the relationship. She's fucked.