"im afraid the dae wil come when im sick and tired of waitin, and decided to pack and go...."

"im nt young animore..more so for a woman..the biological clock is tickin awae..i cant afford to stay w sm1 and at the end of the dae, i reap nothing...u noe wat i mean?"

"there are 2 types of guy...1 tt meks a gd bf and the other that meks a gd husband...il choose for the latter.. without doubts...huny, wic one are u?"

"i nid security muc more than anibody..i alwys wonder, wat wld happen when u reali go overseas?does that signify the end? at tt pt of time, i wld reali blame and hate myslef for givin up so muc juz to be w u..and at the end of the dae,i get nothing.."

I've been readin back on some of the stuff we wrote to each other. These were quotes from her when there was a possiblity of someone who could give her more. She eventually turned that guy down after some thought that it was wrong. But I guess the doubts are and have always been there and I guess at the end fo the day, tho she sometimes maintains that she would wait for me, some things change.

My response to her?

"I don't blame you if you ever think that I'm not the hubby material be it what I fail to give you or what not. Becasue I noe you want that ultimately. I'm sorry if these almost 2 years might have been a waste of your time of something didn't culminate to anything. I'm sorry to have been so selfish despite knowin that things might be a problem. And if you feel that the right thing for yourself to do is to do something which might be unfair to me then by all means cos I dont want you to give up on your dreams. Please don't ever give up your dreams because of me. I want you to fly. I want you be happy. I want you to take and make the most of life even tho it might not be with me. Just remember, I never stopped loving you."

All these happened earlier this year. Guess things haven't really been resolved. As YL says, we still haven't worked out our issues. Tho it didn't really pertain to all these specifically but somehow applied here anyway.

I guess we were just holding on to what we could. Cherishing what we could. Or maybe after what we've been through, we just didn't want to let it go just like that. But maybe as the time approaches and with me mentioning the schools I wanna study at. Me leaving seems so much more apparant. I've said it so much now, that maybe better this now then later.

Sigh, after all we've been through, it's funny and saddening it all boils down and comes to all this.
My eyes are burning. It's time to shower.