I hope one day soon I can look back to this relationship with happiness. And the tears won't be of sorrow but of happiness. I hope one day it'll be the same as before. When I look back on the happy moments, I'll smile to myself once again and tell myself that I should glad that it happened. And not because it ended. I should be happy knowing I had the opportunity, the chance to have known and felt love as such. And that these memories will be that which defines me as a person. That which helps me to grow.

But at the same, I somehow hope, in some fairy tale, that I'll return from my stint in the US and find that she's still here for me and that we'll get married when we're ready and live together in our own home. She would make a fine mother and wife. But who knows, maybe she would settle some time in the nxt 3 yrs and I'd find a gf when i'm in the US or something and I'll never come back. But somehow, without her, there's a lesser reason for me to return. As much as I would wish it that I would make it there, I know it's not as easy as I dream it to be.

I don't really wanna explain to my mom at this moment in time. I know she has the right to know but not right now. I don't want her to observe and see how I'm reacting. I don't want sympathy or sorries or anything. Somehow, I just wanna be alone.

Maybe slowly, I'll come to understand better and realise more that this IS for the better. but when I think back at the reason of all this, I can't help but find it silly. But yet, I have to remind myself that it is better for her. I don't want to stand in the way of her dreams or her future. Her path of being complete as an individual or complete in her life. She deserves a fair chance at being or getting what she wants. She should have the ability or the choice to be married as and when she wants in the next few years which is ideal for her. And it is better now than at 27 when she has the realization that she's wasting her time with me. Worst still is when I stray over there then all her waiting will be for nought. It is better this way. It has to be. But again, right as everything seems, it doesn't make each day better to pass. I dont smile, knowing that the right thing has been done. I weep thinkin how wrong everything feels, how everything I knew is all gone and wondering how it could've been.

As i told jos, I now have no choice but to go overseas, else all this would be for nought. She doesn't have a proper future with me. I'm not one who's too financially driven while she dreams or wishes a proper stable life. Something I know I will never give her.

Funnily, now I have a story to tell which is similar to Nicholas Cage's The Family Man where in the show, he was shown a reality which might have been if he made the decision to stay with his love of his life compared to the choice he made whihc was to leave and pursue his career. of course in the show, he was a successful business man of some sort and wether I become successful is yet to be seen. But point is, I now can safely write a story of how I somehow left the girl of my dreams to pursue my dreams. Well, guess exagerated nonetheless. But feels that way. I will make it there. I will make everything worth the effort.

I'm glad at the end of the day somehow, we managed to resolve the whole situation, somewhat well. So much so that it was considered mutual. I had hoped that maybe the 3 years without me being around, she would be able to learn to survive and be strong. To be independent. I had hoped that. I hope that she wouldn't be so fragile. But as I was saying, i'm glad that she initiated things. Least it would seem that she's somewhat making decisions on her own and actually thinking on her own. And maybe this whole episode would teach her independence. Something I've always failed to instil in her through the years. Did it cos I wanted her to be able to cope when I wasn't around. But I guess one can only do so much.

A part really wishes she would wait. But a part also wishes that she would find someone she loves truly, not out of haste or anything but truly love. And that she finds a person who is able to take care of her. Who truly loves her for who she is. Who's patient, kind and decent. A person who doesn't have a temper. A person with a decent career and a stable future. Someone who can provide for her and give her the life she so deserves.

I will get there someday. One day. To be the person I can for whoever it is I will be with eventually. Before then, I'll do what I can just to get days by. I loved her for what she's worth. And I'm glad I had shared a part of my life with her. I'm glad I had her in mine. To fill it up. To make it colourful when she was around. For without her, I wouldn't have known or remembered how to love another. She reminded what it meant to care. Reminded to think of the lesser people. The people who were more unfortunate. She reminded me of who I am supposed to be.

I worry if I'll be able to find someone who would understand me as much as she did. Who didn't judge me for my quirks. Who would love me for me. I wonder if all this is a mistake, leaving her behind in all this. Is it?

I wish to have her in my arms now. I wish things were like before. I wish she would be here, laughing away. I wish she were in my arms and mine in hers. I wish we were falling asleep in each other arms. I wish I could see her peaceful face as she sleeps. I wish things were like before. I wish I wish I wish. :(