IS IT A PHASE?

I had a 5 hour chat with the italian girl from earlier this year. Sorry, I know it's tough to keep up with the ever changing crushes.

Anyway, we had a really nice and long talk. It sorta made me miss our late night talks with the fatboy.

We talked about, i dunno, mainly about feelings and all that. Personal stuff. And I'm quite shocked and amazed how much i've actually told her in the past. She knows.. more than I remember telling her.

Anyway, we went on to talking about r/s and stuff like that and how I put obstacles in front of me and never daring to try. And a couple of times in the night, there were moments when I really wanted to tell her how I felt about her. Well, once did anyway.

Anyway, 3 shots of vodka later (which didn't really play that big a part anyway cos it was 1 shot / hour and my body kinda dispels it fast that way), I finally mustered enough balls to actually .. well, lean over to kiss her and end it with a dammit!! just cos she leaned away and for some very VERY stupid reason, I yelled, dammit....

anyhoo.... we got on talking about things and she dismisses how people would like her just cos she's there, she's a support pillar and it's a given kinda thing and understandable. But I'd argue against that though. Cos that might be true, it shouldn't dismiss the interest that people have of her. Maybe I need to rationalise my thought here a lil bit. Cos the sucky thing is she had heard about how I had mentioned that it's normal to cheat and it is the duty of the partner not to let the other partner know about it. Fucked up big time there. Gonna have to win my case back there.. :o

Hmm... if i were to talk to her, how would the conversation be....

So here's the thing. I think you're beautiful. Now, I don't say that to a lot of people. Honest. And I don't quite think that you being a good support pillar and people being naturally attracted to you should discount the people that are actually attracted to you. Cos when you say that, it almost makes any feelings I have towards you to lose validation. Now, you've also said that one would never know till you take a dive. Then take the dive with me then. Maybe it'll be bad.. but maybe it'll be great as well. And I can think of so many reasons things would work well. Sure there are also points that I think it might not work as well. We both go to art center, it's a good and bad thing. Good that I can understand the focus on work. MIGHT be bad cos we both go to art center and we see enough of each other in school.. but ... WAIT... we don't. I barely see you at all. Then leads to the question of if that's the case, then what's the point of being anything more than friends. Honestly? I don't think there's any proper a way to answer that without sounding.. well, pragmatic or negative. If there's one reason, it'd be the chance to elevate something good to something awesomely fantastic.

The question asked would be, why you? Why you over the rest of the millions of crushes you've heard me talk about. That's just it.. they're just crushes. Fleeting moments of excitments. How do I know if you're not one? Because it's been months since I've known you, and I'm still happy and excited to see you each time. Sure, I am able to downplay it. But you've also heard me mention, I don't like to lose myself too much in a person.

And with you, I know I won't. You're someone I admire for certain qualities. You're someone smart. With you, I know you'll be fine if I'm not around but yet at the same time, I know I am capable to step up if needed. And during the times when I'm down, I'm well aware you CAN be there to be, yes, my support pillar. And I'd be too if you ever needed it but probably not anytime right now. I'm sure you know that anyway.

As you've said, you're the worst at taking your own advice then maybe it'd sit better if you heard from another mouth. So yes, love will hit you when you're looking. But if your eyes aren't opened, you wouldn't see it even if it's right in front of you. And maybe you're still waiting for that spark, that magical moment, that excitement. And maybe it's the cynic in me, but I don't count on that happening so magically. Don't get me wrong. I believe in it. But I also believe in creating a spark with what is in front of me as well. Nothing's going to just magically drop onto your lap. And maybe the psychology knowledge should take a back seat a lil bit and maybe you should just... well... feel things out.

I don't want you to change your mind just because how amazingly convincing my speech is (I doubt it is but maybe it'd sway you, who knows). But I do want you to at least consider and think about it. Here's an amazing friendship which might have a potential to be greater.

I've always told myself this. You know this too. I want my partner to be my best friend. If I could ever find someone I could connect as well as I do with my best friend back home. This person is the one for me. The unfortunate thing is, I've never found anyone whom I've actually been physically attracted to.

So yes, this might be me pouring my heart and proclaiming my undying love for you (not really) and it's going to freak you out. Aiyyeeeee....

I sometimes wonder that about myself as well. You know how I say I think people who are too into me, I tend to shun away from. I've often wondered if it's me just shying away from the pressure of expectation. Could that be the same for you too? When things get too serious, there's this automatic defense mechanism. And I might be in a somewhat of an ideal situation even. Contrary to what it might seem, I don't idolise you. My world doesn't just consist of you and it is the same for you as well. Adn paradoxically, in order to for things to work out, a person has to connect with you, be into you but not have you be too part of their world. AND... also have to have your attention. So i'm in this predicament where I can't really do TOO much just so I won't scare you away but do enough to make you realise that i AM serious about you. "


Hmm.. it's going in circles ain't it?