I don't know what is it I'm doing with Ms Lo seriously.

I'm clueless...

I'm not sure where I'm going.

I'm happy when she's around. I don't quite know her well enough. And sometimes, I wonder if she digs me. Somehow.. it doesn't feel that way.

I dont wanna say that I'm in love cos it makes the notion of love too easy. But my heart skips, it pounds and it flutters or whatever is associated to love but I don't think I'm neccesarily in love with her. I'm more like infatuated cos I don't think I know her enough. But it sure as hell doesn't feel like she's feeling the same. I do think i'm crazy about her though but again, i don't know her enough. I don't even know if she's someone I wanna be with all my life or whatever... but isn't part of dating.. part of finding this out? And when I relate and compare this to Y, was what I did with Y really all that wrong? That maybe I WAS hoping that it would really work out.

I really don't know what to do now. Should I really pursue? Should I just take things easy and slow? Get to know her a lil more?

But I can't ignore all this jittery feelings and happiness when i'm with her.. Though sometimes it feels a lil trying and awkward but yet.. I still have all this nervous feelings and all..

Today I was happy. i'm not sure why. I don't THINK it's cos I knew I was having an outing with her. I had a blast in class. Sure the teach wasn't all that impressed with my work. I liked mine and that was enough for me. But i was on a high. I really don't know why. I don't know if it's thursdays or something.. i'm usually pumped up on thursdays cos everything's all so rushed.. I get an adrenaline rush. But yeah, I dunno, i was on a high today...

I had dinner with Ms Lo ytd.. it was a casual thing. And today, we had a movie thing but she wasn't feeling too well, shivers and all so she had to take off after. But it didn't feel like she was being awkward or anything. Least i don't THINK so. But yeah, it's strange. Sometimes, she's nice about things.. bright about things, but yet sometimes, she seems miles away.

I hate this feeling.

You know, it's funny. In the past, I reveled in these feelings. I reveled in the rush of not knowing how things would go. I liked that rush of a crush, an infatuation. And somehow, when I'm in it now, I'm not sure.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of a lot things. I'm afriad history repeats itself again. i'm afraid I end up making another mistake and end up hurting someone again. I know I shouldn't let the ghost of the past affect the present but I'm just so afriad of doing something wrong again. I wanna trust my instincts and just go for what i feel would be.. well.. what I feel like doing. It's strange, it's the only thing, I sorta go out to do instinctively. I don't weigh too much of teh consequences compared to the rest of the things in my life. I'm not always a risk taker but when it comes to all this, it's the only time when I just leap.. freefall... just go for it.. take a gamble.

I.. I don't know. I wish things were more obvious. I wish it was clearer that the feelings were mutual. Somehow, I know it isn't. But maybe I'm demanding too much for a short period of time. I was never patient in these situations and am probably always rushing into things. But I really like her alot. I do think I'm crazy about her currently. I hate the fact that I don't know her enough and currently, it doesn't seem like there's a connection yet. But I wanna believe that there can be. But maybe that's just it. I'm just physically attracted to her. But NO... it's more than that. It's not just lust, or anything like that. I'm happy when I see her. God.. I hate how superficial and on the surface all this sounds.

I feel like I should just pull back. I dn't want things to be awkward and end up me losing a potetial friend. I already don't have a lot and the last thing I need is people being all awkward. I feel that I should be chicken about things. Just pull back and light up whenever she's near and around so this way, I can sorta bask in this aura without really knowing for sure.

Somehow, i know what her reactions and feelings already are. And somehow, I don't think I wanna know that for sure and just leave that, maybe.. just maybe... she might like me as well. Least this way, i can deceive myself into thinking that maybe she might dig me. Then I can still bask in this happy aura when she's around.

And the frustrating bit about all this is really, I can't force anything. I can't be overly nice and win with niceness either. I HAVE been but I do know it won't neccesarily work. If it's not there, it's not there. Niceness won't help if a person isn't the least bit attracted to you. I should know. There are some that have potential.. there's a girl who's been really nice. She has initiative... and tt is a big thing really. She's somewhat independant. The funny thing is, Ms Lo isn't quite like that. She sorta resembles a lil bit of Y. But I don't wanna peg her to that so soon cos I don't think i know enough about ehr and I don't wanna lable her to a type yet. I should keep an open mind and just see how she presents herself.

Sigh, i don't know. The conversations just doesn't seem to be.. well... smooth flowing OR constant. blah... I hate all this. I wanted to ask her over for dvds and all. I'm not even thinking much about making any moves or any shit like that. I'm not saying I'm not THINKINg about it, i just ain't thinking hard about it. But she's gonna be going back home -3 hours away- to visit family and friends, and I do think it's good for her. She's really close to her family.

A large part of me is thinking.. if she rejects me... I dont' wanna give up. I wanna keep fighting, hoping that it'd impress -this only occurs in our imagine world of course. Another part of me just wants to give up cos I don't wanna be this emotional thing that I am right now. I wanna be certain, decisive... stable.. Not chaotic.. messy... and unsure...But I want that happiness as well...

I never had much requiremetns for a girl. With Y, she was just supposed to be there. She didn't quite need to do anything much. Just her presence was enough. it gave me grounding.. stability... so that I could do what I wanted to do. And maybe this seemed selfish but it was really simple. And in return, she would have my care and concern. And that to me is how I show my love for someone. Cos I ain't always this nice.. least I wanna think I'm not anyway. But the thing she couldn't do was to be a headache, a problem, which she proved to be from time to time. But i dunno, maybe that's how things are. Everythig comes with a price and nothing is really perfect. Sometimes, there is a price to pay for everything. And tolerating her was one of them. Did I not say it's all about how a person is committed to another?

Anyway, I think i've ranted long enough.. I do hope everyone has a lovely weekend ahead. I'm not sure how mine will go. We'll see. Take care all.