This week was a lot to digest..

Orientation was on and well, it was rather fun and exciting. BUT it was very pressurising and scary cos they put some much expectations on you by telling you that it's a great school and only the best come out of it. Somehow you can't help but develop some self doubt. "Can I do it? Is this all right for me? Should I just pull out now and get my money back? Things were so much better before. Now it's crazy. Maybe I should just go back to a simpler life.. " All these go through my head.

The only things that keeps me here is the simple fact in feeling that I should be. Knowledge isn't working much right now. I dunno whether calling it a feeling is right even. It's just this little voice or beat that says I should. Because apart from all these, I don't really know what I would wanna do with my life. And if I didn't do this, there pretty much isn't anything else I can imagine doing.

I know that everything's larger than what I"m probably prepared for. It might even be more than I can handle as well. And because of this, there's this fear that it might be all wrong for me and that for my character, such things just ain't rightly suited for me. As I said before, even when i was younger, I was always running from responsibilities. But somehow, they landed on my feet anyway. Maybe fatboy would recognise this as luck or something, in which, some people just have it. Bad OR good.

Sometimes, I realy wish I coudl whisk it all away. Just be in a place with a nice beautiful garden, sitback and just relax and not worry about whether my budget's in check, or my deadlines are due or that I might be wasitng my life away.

But unfortunately, I know this isn't so and am only living in my own paradise. And by continuing so would only be living in denial and would just be simply, digging a bigger hole for myself. Stepping up to the plate and facing reality is the only way to go. So let reality come, let the responsibilities roll in. Life isn't gonna be any other way. The faster I learn to adapt to it and be ready, the easier it would be. Pretty much the same as me being prepared for shit to come my way. The tricky thing is not letting it make me bitter or cynical but more accepting of the world rather. Believe that it has it's merits but recognise that there is gonnna be disappointments and that it is all part and parcel of life.

Afterall, I'm gonna be a professional one day. Not recognising all this and trying to prepare for it would be disastrous. I dont wanna end up being like a particular person I know who keeps running from reality (none of u guys reading my blog don't worry) and doesn't accept the fact of where he/she is. I feel not realising where you are and adapting and changing to the enviroment or your future enviroment is going to just mean bigger shit for you over time and at the end as well. I don't wanna be like this person, choosing to want to live in a place that isn't practical to exists and not opening her eyes to what's around. Yes believing in a dream is key but not when you ignore what's around you.





On another note. GIRLS... pretty fun so far. Getting to know people from all walks and all. Some of differing nationalities and even for locals, they're all different. Different, views values and characters. But the one thing I love and hate sometimes, is how vocal they are. Some are just so darn vocal it's scary. but then, I've met people in the train back home who have told me to turn down my headphones cos it's too loud. Go figure. So yeah, over here.. higher possibility of people telling you what they really think. But not everyone's like that of cos. After some time, I stopped asking people what an american is like cos it's sucha a bloody big place, it's all dependent on which part you are from. And even within the same state, everyone's sorta different as well. So somehow, being an international student doesn't quite make tt much of a diff cos people are generally different here and there. Anyway, I'm having a fun time finding out where everyone is from.

And there are some I think are cool to date. But somehow, I'm kinda afraid of dating within departments. Esp when my freaking major only has 20 people. You don't really want things to come back and bite you in the ass and end up screwing up your rep.

On top of all this, if there's a lot of shit going on in school, I dont' really wanna hafta deal with shit from my personal life as well. That jsut plain sucks. I dunno.. Maybe I shouldn't be doing any of this at all. But i dun wanna end up, u noe.. letting someone beat me to it. I think some of you guys know that soemtimes, it's all about timing and who arrives first to take the bait. It's not really who is better for who btu more on who gets to know the person first and the conneciton tt is established first. So yeah.. I wanna be fast about it. BUt then, I don't wannit to end up like the last one either. SO.. i dunno, take it slow, take it fast, don't take anyting at all and just purely focus on my studies and career. But that's just not the same excitment as being in love and all. So i dunno..

I'm quite alright being alone but I don't wanna be in a shell and not meet people and end up closing myself to the world and the opportuniities on a social level as well as professional.

I dunno, maybe it'll come together or something.. just chill and see how it goes.


Pretty interesting how I'm learning to be more tolerant of things and chill when I'm here but yet but anal about other things. But i guess soem part of us are like this. Maybe not.. I dunno.. anyway, i've blogged on long enough. Gotta go about with my stuff... thanks for hearing my rant.