"i don't know y exactly, but i wan u to be everything, more than ever. I wanna be the innocent me.. I want the child in me to belieev in the fairy tales that i'd always believed. I want that perfect life that i've always dreamed of........ but somehow being that way, makes me soft, sentimental... but somehow, in order to believe in you, i hafta be that.. to put everything behind and believe just to believe...despite all that has happened, i want to forget all that's ever happened. i want to rememebr all the good things... i wan to beleive that you'll always be there for me, you'll always be the baby i've always loved. I don't want to be the cynic i've always been... n all i'm thinkin that maybe it's worth it to be hurt in the process if it's to pursue something that might be beautiful. i don't want to lose tht hope. i wanna believ like how i used to believe a long time ago. i've always been a cynic. after being hurt, i've always thot there was nothign in the world tt's worth. true i may hold on to some hope that something might be better, but i've always been more negative, exepcting shit to always come my way. i was harsh...but it made me safe. it made me strong, resilant to harm and hurt. i coped. but i dun want to be tt way with you. it might make me strong or resilant against some of the things u might say, but it also made me cynical towards u as well. it made me fail to see the beauty in you...
it may make me weak but least i see the beauty in the love we have. not just the arguments. "


The begining sorta sounds like something to YL doesn't it? But as it goes on further, you slowly realise who I'm actually talking about.

I just HAVE to harp on things don't I? I'd like to think that I"m human afterall.

I was looking going through all my files in my computer and sithing through all the old files that should be deleted and I chanced upon a conversation we had.

I was gonna talk about myself, love and my perceptions of it now since it's always changing. My perception that is.

I've always thought I was doing her a favour and end of the day, things were really for her own good.

That's probably true but another fact always remains. I could've done this so much earlier. I go through some of the conversaitons we had, some of the letters we wrote and I can't understand at that point in time, if it was so difficult, why did I hold on. I was so sure we weren't gonna amount to anything much in the future, least I didn't think so. Why did I prolong it? COuld it be cos I was living off her hopes that we might actually BE something? Whatever the reason, it doesn't quite excuse me from blame does it? I KNEW. That's all that matters. i knew and didn't act on it. A friend or two would probably agree on that.

I always wonder if she'll forgive me but maybe end of the day, I might not even deserve it do I? Like all things linked to me, I sincerely hope that after the time has ended with me, people would have a more fruitful and eventful life afterwards. And IF i had been a negative force, I hope that it'd somehow lead to them being better one way or another.

Some people wonder why I analyse events so much. Or base so much on em. Cos I've always believed that what happens now, and how you choose to do things and after is part of a bigger picture which forms who you are as a person. Hence, why I ask YL, from time to time about the times when we were together. I guess for me, its sorta to learn from my mistakes, if there were any and well, learn. Reflect.