EX GF RANT AGAIN!!!

Y sent me on a trip again. A guilt trip. Really ddin't need that even though I had a good day yesterday.

I've been talking to her these 2 weeks cos we finally unblocked each other. And initially, it's been rather fine tho she was sending me all sorts of songs with loaded messages. Then ytd, she decided to check with me, what went wrong with us. Sigh.. seriously don't need to re-live things like this. I was somewhat happy that we could talk normally, sorta. I dunno man. I do still care for her but I guess it might be because it's a habit after 3 years?

but even if she didn't confront me about things, I do still think about it from time to time. But it just sucked when she still holds on to the impression that I didn't love her enough, or that I loved myself more. And that she still thinks and wonders how I could just abandon her and leave her. I seriously don't know why she keeps thinking it that way.

I do think what's always managed to keep us together is our ability to make each other feel guilty for leaving. There's without a doubt, we do still love each other but in our own way. And there's always a part of me that wants to return to her simply cos it DOES feel like I abandoned her. Somehow, she's become my responsibility. But another part wonders, why's it a responsibility? Why can't i WANT to be with her rather than feeling a need cos that's what responsibility implies doesn't it? It feels like an obligation.

It's funny that I was thinking that it'd be easier when u had someone to help u get over the ex. She has someone to be with now. She doesn't need to reminisce about me. Whereas me... I wonder if I'd ever find someone who would love me as much as she and if I'd love this person as well. I do know some of you guys are contented so long as you find a person who loves you and is willing to spend their life with you. Am I too greedy and asking for too much?

Someone once said to me that it's not that I don't know what I want but it's that I DO know exactly what I want but just haven't gotten it yet, and that Y is just not it.

She still can't forget the fact that I never had her in my plans. I dont' think I can ever change her perception in this. And I guess that's where it gets better for her if i just left. These 3 years has no room for her. It's very much, her leading her life and mine. How can I expect her to come over? I can't do that simply cos I know it's not easy to just enter another country to work. I'm not sure how well she can survive as well. And what about 3 years from now after my education? I can't guarantee her anything.. I don't know where I'll be, if i'm be staying here or going back or what.

And funnily, i realised the impact of all this when she called me drunk when i was here earlier this year. I realised that all this is going to have an impact on my r/s. DUH i know but i was took caught up with things around that I didn't think about that. And then it struck me that there was no way I could just string her along like this. Maybe a part of me also questioned my fidelity and whether I'd stay true to her. And I guess and chicken ass part of me fears wasting her time if I ever end up finding someone else here. To me, somehow, it seems too much of a risk for her to take. Esp when she treasured so much her future as well as having a family, spending her time with the person she loves. I can't guarantee any of these. I just can't simply cos I know the demands of my job.

in grey's, derrick was asking webber why he didn't leave his wife for another woman, he replied, "i would've had so much bagguage, so much guilt... I never owuld have made her happy. not like how she deserved to be happy. I was a better man for walking away. I loved her enough to walk away." and derrick summed it up for me last week, "you deserve to be with someone who makes u happy, somebody who won't complicate your life, somebody who won't hurt you. He's a better guy. I'm walking away".

Somehow, I think that's the only way I can allow myself to feel some comfort for what I've done. My way of making what I have done seem justified. Is it really? Maybe, who knows. She may think staying together would've been better and she didn't mind the sacrifice but I did. I minded it a lot. I don't think I stopped loving her. I'm not sure when I would stop, if ever. I will still care for her if i could but I do think that sorta complicates things. Should I just disappear from her life completely?

It still confuses me alot why she still has these feelings and yet is with another guy at the same time. But then, I do wonder at times why me n my 1st ex never worked out. So yeah, maybe it's normal. We'll never come to terms with things and it's just a process we all go through.

In the mean time, I guess I sorta resigned to the fact tt she's always gonna see things as how she sees it now, for probably a long time to come. Least she got someone in the mean time to tide things over for her I guess.

Anyway, think i ranted enough.. thanks for reading if u actually did. Appreciate it..