WARNING.. EX GF WHINING AGAIN.. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!

Grey's just made me think about things all over again. Sigh... What can I say.. I'm a harper.

It's not really just abt the ex but I guess future peeps in general. I don't know if people generally feel the same, that you wonder if you're any good for this particular person.

I once made a dumb decision (tho it made me a 'better' person) of sparing someone the need of making a choice by making the choice for her and walking away. Sure, i regretted it later and wanted back in but this entry ain't about that.. It was my initial decision to be the greater guy and walk away.

With Y, I could've hung on.. Wait and see if things ever change between us. But a part of me knew it wouldn't last. And it's kinda weird cos right now, I do wonder if i wanna be with her still. BUt it's a casual thought and wonderment. I probably won't think seriously about it. Somehow, to me, she will always be the person whom i have a lot of guilt for. Feel that I was a disappointment for her.

I know I've mentioned before, how I shouldn't be with anyone, and funnily, these two weeks, I just keep wanting to get hooked up with someone. Right now, I'm feeling moody about how I really shouldn't be with anyone. I don't quite think I'm really right for anyone. I'm too complicating. And confident as I may be sometimes, I still have this feeling I'm just gonna fuck up a relationship and I don't want to be responsible for that. If there really IS someone I could love, then this person really shouldn't be with me for her own benefit. I do think I'd make a good bf. I know I do. But because of where my life would go and the uncertainty of things after 3 years.. I really don't know how to fit in another person along. I really don't. If I find someone here, what if my work doesn't allow me to stay? What if I return back home, what's it for her then? What if I end up working elsewhere, what then for her? Should she pack n leave with me? Can I ever find it in me to one day, make the ultimate sacrifice and stay for her?

I do think that's Y meant when she had termed me selfish. Cos if I ever did love her enough, I really would stay for her and not care about my career and make do with what I have back home. But no.. I loved myself more and chose to leave for myself. And the funny thing is, I did predict that it'd be a problem.

I probably should just go along with what I'm predicitng.. that it would be a problem again with someone else and I don't wanna break someone else's heart again, for something which i'm aware would happen. Truly, i'm better off alone.

----

i know this sounds kinda contradictory from what I mention above but well, it WAS yesterday so... makes sense. A friend was commenting that I was so nice.. I'm that way, I help around when I can.. I'm nice about things. But the fucked up thing is.. i do think that's all there is. People think.. oh.. he's nice.. but it doesn't get me anywhere. Somehow, niceness never seem to land you gf or anything like that. So seriously, what IS the pt of being nice then. Heck, sometimes, you get taken advantage of. But maybe I really should be a fucker.

Sigh, I do think I need to go back to haivng no expectations and lead my life that way. Anyway, I'm tired, prob gonna take a noon nap. Went drinking again last night. Need to stop doing this weekly. it's unnecessary spending and is doing my body bad as well. I tried something last night even tho I did say I won't. And it really isn't as good as it sounds. I dunno why people do it. I sure don't get it. But least I can say I've tried it and it's not for me.

Laterz peeps... Snooze...