I woke up today thinking about the conversation I had with Fat Boy last night. And also the silly fact that I overslept and only managed to catch 5 mins of my Gundam :S

Listing the requirements in his future relationship, I realised it's something I very much had. But somehow that wasn't enough for me. Was I being too greedy? Should I jus collect my earnings and go with what I have? But granted... one person's definition doesn't need to be another's.

I realised that true, i had someone here who could care for me, and have a connectivity with me and understanding. But taking into mind that we had 3 years to work on this. My fear is without all these, I would have nothing. I want someone whom I can talk to. Simple a requirement? Well, maybe not.

Anyway, I was going through why Y was lacking or rather her flaws and faults in the relationship. Somehow, with each one pt I made, Fat Boy had a counter which was interesting cos that made me constantly dishing out some other thing which was not ideal. But end of the day, I guess, it's just simply, me not wanting to accept what or how she was. Funny how after 3 years, some things I just and still couldn't look past.

She was someone I felt didn't make me grow. And couldn't.
You have other people who can make you grow. Friends for example.
I guess I just wanted it to be my other halve.

I couldn't connect with her. She wasn't someone I could talk on for hours and talk about something smart.
you have friends for that
And again, I wish it to be one singular person whom I wish could be my best friend as well.

She wasn't cool with things. I couldn't tell her things and not fear she would freak out about things.
I couldn't tell her I was going supper wif a female friend without her thinking I might be out bonking someone. (i tell u, you have that mentality, I might just go out and do it.)

I mean, end of the day, i wanna share EVERYTHING with my half. I wanna tell her everything in my life and not have her freak out or worry that I might be going to jump ship to this other more successful, more alpha, female. That's not how it works. Just cos I may admire, respect and say the world about her, don't mean I got no sense of commitment to you if she ever makes a move on me (in the event that EVER happens). I mean, I totally hated that. I dare say, the few people I have expressed interest in and actually told her, I don't think I'd ever do it. you know, drop her for them. Well, maybe cept the X incident which i'd like to think that is not a fair example cos factors were, well, favouring a break up anyway. And it's not like she was being cool wif things and I still expressed interest in others.

I mean, end of the day, i want a relationship which i can one day say, this is my girl, my wife and she's cool with the things I do and I love her for it. And a drop dead gorgeous model may strip in front of me and make advances, I still stay faithful to my woman cos I know she trusts me enough not to do anything silly and that I love her for being so cool. With Y? NOT gonna happen. She's gonna say, go ahead and do what I want and inside, she harbours frustration towards me and use s that frustration on me when she's angry and let's it ALL come out.

I guess I just want a best friend in a partner and with Y, I couldn't someohow do that. Which thinking about it now, is a big risk cos you're kinda putting all your eggs in one basket. Like, you problem solver, your lover, your chatting budding and play time buddy all into one. When she goes, there's gonna be this big fuckign void in your life.

You wanna bowl... wait.. she's gone.. NEXT...

Damn, how do i fill my taxes... maybe i should ask.. wait... she's gone.. NEXT...

oh boy, this is so cool I got this... dang.. she's not here...

Well, somehow, that's how I imagine it to be for me which is very risky but in fairness, it's not like I"m gonna foresake my friends or anything.



Regarding the last note. I was reading somewhere, can't rmemeber which book, about how one of the purposes of our partners is as a witness to our lives. If we do not have this person to bear witness then what and for who are we doing all these things for?

You can't just go to work and go, 'hey jim, I finally managed to work the washer'.
'gee wow.. goody for you, have a cracker'

I mean, no, for your personal achievements, that's what your other halve is for. To witness your growth and to grow with you. To have someone validate what you have done and pat you on your shoulder and tell you, 'you did good'.

My lecturer once told me when I asked rethorically, 'why can't I write my poems and not have anyone read it?' he said, that's as good as masturbating. And I guess that's true. Personal achievements without recognition only serves to pleasure yourself. Of cos, that being said, you don't go out and wank in front of your friends either.

I dunno, it made sense to me but maybe, for some, self satisfaction is good enough for them. And if that's the case then good for them. They'll be leading quite a lonely life. For me, i much prefer to be happy for my achievements. It makes success much sweeter. Guess, in someway, it's to have that someone to show off to what you have done and that person be happy for you genuinely.

Hey love.. I jus stacked 20 bottle caps on top of each other!!
That's nice honey, I love you for that.

That's what I want.