Do you sometimes do things which you have no idea why you do so but you know you're gonna kick yourself for doing it anyway. Or you know you're gonna get pissed for doing it, but you still do it anyway. Why do we do that? Are we stupid and incapable of thinkin right?

Some of you know that last night's MOS was a downer. Well, I guess if my objective was to look see look see the place, then, it wasn't so bad. Which is all I got anyway. I must say MOS is quite a good place to go on a Wednesday tho I have no idea what the charge was.

X managed to get me in free and I pretty much spent most of my time entertainin myself for the hour plus I was there anyway. Not to mention, the dull conversation I had which I don't even consider A conversation anyway. I tell you, somehow, me and guys just don't click all that well. I dunno why. Call me a hongster or somethign, but somehow, totally hate breakin the ice with guys. You either come off dull, uninteresting, or gay which is what happened anyway. Makes it worst when I ain't a soccer fan so you can't really go into that area either. All you can go is probably, 'hey, cute chick.' 'yeah... big melons' That sorta conversation. Much worst when you try to do this in a club.

I can somehow understand Y's unwillingness to join my outings with my friends sometimes. Cos end of the day, the times I'll be busy entertaining friends, she'll jsu be stoning there. Which is what happened last night anyway but at the same time, it can't be blamed either. And somehow, many things which Y wasn't happy about, somehow made sense. It's just that, she just simply has a lousy way of expressing things.

I allowed myself the silly opportunity of waiting for nothing anyway. I was supposed to drop X home but ah wells, that was for nought. I thot she might be having trouble with a guy but somehow, end of the day, I feel pesky anyway. And couple this with a few other incidences with me 'trying' to watch out for friends... I find myself questioning.. why do I even bother so much when the people themselves don't even bother so much.

I mean, it's like they know it's dark but they still running anwyay, but here I am, naggin, hey, don't run else you gonna run into something. I fret over it but somehow, they don't care. They're too concerned with everything else but what I'm concerned about. So seriously. Should I even care? Much worse is when I find myself gettin exasperated by the ignoring of what I do or say and lack any recognition. The worst would be, it's pesky of me. Either I feel so or I get the vibe from others. So seriously, why do I even bother.

Yes yes, you're nice in doing so but at the expanse of my emotional health. Seriously, it's something I'd rather do without. Fine, get raped, get conned, waste your money or whatever, seriously, why should I bother so much when it has NOTHING to do with me.

I should adopt a more relaxed or fuck care attitude these days towards people man. Probably wear a scowl.. have a wtf you want look.. n the bother me and I'll box you kinda look.

Anyway, had supper. 2 Suppers infact, to make the night a lil more eventful and strangely enough, the day's events made me think back about the whole Y issue again. Or rather what it is I desire in a relationship.

Maybe it's the company but somehow, I just didn't feel compelled to do anything last ngiht and much had hoped and felt that the night would've been more complete having Y with me. At least the Velvet night, company was small and well, they were quite fun bunch and enthusiastic so least I did managed to enjoy myself. But somehow, sitting down last night, I wished Y was with me and we were having those drinking games. Those were fun times. I wish I was having her dancing with me.

Somehow, I'm just tired of all these clubbing culture. I'm just not bothering that much. You'd think that after being single, I'll go all havoc. but fact of the matter is really, i just cannot be bothered. I'm not hitting the chat rooms nor am I going all out to get to know people.

I dunno, but currently, i'm quite happy with what I'm doing these days. i'm quite tired of the company or women. Somehow, with guys, it's so much easier, more hassle free. And I find it a no wonder that some girls prefer the company of guys. They're simpler, more drama free and not so picky and with guys, anything really goes. With girls, My god, so much things to consider.

And I do contemplate going back to Y from time to time. Even if it's just to past these 3 months. Strangely enough, when I read her profile on friendster today, somehow, I get turned off by what I read. here is someone who's hobbies are, bumming around, sleeping...and the typical movies and music and blah blah and I'm wondering, fuck, this is one bloody fucking boring person to get to know. And if I did chance upon her profile, I seriously won't consider much for asking her out or anything cos it seriously feels like there's NOTHING to talk to her about.

Then one wonders, why do I need someone to talk to so much? I dunno, i guess I figure that talkin is the most basic of activities and if that can't be sustained, then what then? But thena agin, maybe after 3 years, there's really nothing new to talk about and all would be left with the usual how's your day and what not. Heck, that's what happened between me n my ex anyway. I felt it was so towards the end anyway. And I worried that something was going wrong when all we could talk about was, how was each others' day.

Maybe end of the day, all this about me trying to find this person to talk to is for nothing and that everything is the same 3 years into a relationship. I dunno. I think I need to find this ONE successful couple and jus ask, how's it like when you guys meet, despite 4 - 5 years into the relationship. yeah, i think I'll do that and I know the person to ask.

Anyhoo... maybe all this is for nothing cos I'm still having this thought of, when I go there, WHAT IF i find someon there, what then? bah, i seriously don't know what I want. Just shoot me.. seriously shoot me.