I'm sorta losing direction and focus regarding my r/s and it in general. I'm not really sure what is it I want from it, or what I can gain from it. Sounds selfish? Cos I somehow don't see how I can contribute to it more than I already can. I mean, short of giving company, I seriously am not sure what else.

Things after the BKK hasn't been the same. Even tho we did meet up for a movie the other day, it was only for a brief moment.

I seriously wonder the purpose of A relationship. For company (so that when you see something amazing, you got someone to share with or maybe to go out on a movie even?)? To find a purpose for yourself? (I kinda stopped believing in that cos well, u remove this person and somehow, your purpose is lost which would probably make you cherish this person a lot but well, makes you lesser as an individual, I feel.)

But yet, I also understand of a need to BE and HAVE a r/s. I thot that it would be cool to be some swingin rich fucking bachelor when I was 35 or something. But yet, one 40 yo man I know who's single doesn't seem to be living the way I'd expect myself to live when I was single at that age. Quite simply, I reckon, that most of his friends are already married and have their own families, so who's there to go out with other than young punks like me who has a lil time to spare on his hands. And even then, he ain't my top priority in the going out list.

So is that why we have r/s? Just so when we're 40, we won't be a lonely fuck who ain't got no one to go out with, or to have someone to share out joys with be it a promotion or a breakthrough in your career and work?

As ideal as I would think that the guys will always be there but realistically, there's gonna come a point when one by one, each and every one's gonna have their own lives. True, we will still keep in touch and meet up from time to time but somehow, it's stil lacking. let's face it, we'd rather be hanging out wif a pussy sometimes than a bunch of guys (a worthwhile pussy of course). Hence, fat boy's recogniction of the zhi hong factor. Which somehow, is understandable. Sure we kpkb about it but kinda a duh choice. But u'd think that we'd learn our lesson after disappointment followed by disappointment with the pussies but somehow, we still going back for more.


Anyway, what started all this was a culmination of a couple of things through the week. I have a muslim guy friend who's dating a chinese (wassup with the trend right? but i guess there's just too many chinese, maybe). And I saw a pic of them being so lovey dovey (maybe only on surface, who knows) and I thot to myself, you must really a person so much and enough that you're willing to convert your faith (or mayeb the lack of it) to one that is of your partner. You probably think that this is what my partner has and I want to share it with him/her. Funny how come Islam insists on conversion but yet the others seem a lil more lax in that area or less stringent. Given enough time, who knows, you might have muslims in every family name. I digress.

I wondered to myself, would I ever do something that's similar to this extent. The willingness to change such a drastic part of my life for the person I love? I don't think I can or maybe the right person hasn't come along.

Why do I say I lost the meaning in my r/s? Well, simply cos I feel that there's nothing else I can do in my r/s. Not so superficial as nothing to do on days we're out. But, just that I feel no purpose for me to be there anymore. Cos I had thought the initial plan was to be a positive thing in her life but yet somehow, the things I think to be suuposedly positive to and for her, isn't so anymore and is actually causing irritence. I could step back and not do a thing and just let things take its course but yet doing so makes me feel more distant.

Now, I plan to try to keep a watch on what I say but as my friend says, then what's the point, then you can't be yourself. I had thought Y would be a good practice for me to practice the art of being tact and use it in the future but somehow, it just feels wrong. I feel more concious of what I say and sometimes am afraid of what to say and end up not saying anything just to avoid antognising her. Even words of advices I feel have no place cos apparantly I just give BAD advice. I seriously dunno what to say anymore.

Hence, right now, i'm seriously in a rut as to what to do in the r/s. I don't think it's so much a concious thing but just not sure what to say n not to say. Right now, i'm just trying to get things right on my side cos I somehow don't wanna expect her to do it. I dunno. it's like I can't expect too much nor expect too little. And I don't feel it's gonna go anywhere either.

Is this how things are in general after such a long duration? I dunno. anyway, i gtg. Catch you guys soon. Sorry for ranting again.