CLOSING

Amusingly enough (tho i didn't quite find it so when i first found out), Y doesn't know what happened. She doens't know what sparked so much emotion, rage or basically, doesn' know the reason why we broke up.

I was thrown off.

And somehow, everything had seemed wrong cos if she doesn't see the reason then what is the point of me breakin up. Even the final message I had wanted to relay was lost. But I guess she doesn't know what the spark was. Maybe everything on her side is really black and white. But somehow, it doesn't really matter anymore. Cos I could ask her for everything, like the full story but at the back of my head, it will always be quesitonin whether it's the full truth. And granted, in her eyes, it might be so but somehow, as the past month went past, the level of mistrust I have of her increases. And maybe as "surprise me" (pick another nick will ya?) says, really no point. Cos all that comes out of her would seem to be excuses from her.

Maybe right now, she doesn't see anything is wrong cos simply, things have been resolved from her side, but 2 weeks ago, things weren't so black and white. Somehow, that was reason enough as it is. Maybe X may be a factor in all this. As I said, X was the accelerant. THe troubles were there and all it took was a slip up from Y and enough reason on the other side for me to leave. Was X the reason I left? No. But yes, she does complicate matters and does make the break up easier. But maybe that's all I ever needed. Break up was too painful before and if I allowed myself to sit down and think about it. It probably still is. And I don't want that right now.

I could sit downa down reminisce all about the times we shared, the moments we had. I could let the feeling of nostalgia just sweep by me. I could be all moody about how it all ended. About how we worked through everything only to have it all break down like this. I could do all that. But I think I've done enough of that in the past. And somehow, feeling more pain for this r/s tt's past somehow doesn't seem all that worthed anymore.

I'm really not sure whether we'll ever get back together. Cos now that the cloud of love has been lifted, I can see more of who see is and what she's capable of and I'm not sure that's what I want. I can't say I don't love her cos to me, my past loves will always hold a place in my heart. Like YL, she too filled a significant number of years in my life and all these contribute to how I am as a person and these moments, I treasure very dearly. True, I still remember the rubbish she put me through. But I will also not forget the things she taught me indirectly. She'll always remain in my heart as the person who went through so much effort to get me the pencil I had so loved but lost. Somehow, years later, I'll never forget that about her. I'm not sure what her reason were then, but all I saw was how much effort she had put into the r/s. But that was then. Beautiful moments were litted all over the r/s, but so were the black bits, as you guys have read. In some way, I regretted having pulled her into all these and I seriously hope that she had gotten something from this whole r/s.

She's pissed with me btw. But maybe that's the only other way she can get through it. And if that's the case then so be it. I would still hope to be friends with her but whether that's a possibility given the state of things, I seriously am not sure.

I will definitely miss the times with her but life has to move on. Who knows, in some weird twist of reality, we might get back together, years later, be married, start a family, have kids. Who knows? But right now. I highly doubt so. My prediction? I say by the time we're 28, she'd have already been married. Funnily enough, if all goes well, I might just have finished my studies.

Anyways, that's it for today. Time to pack up a lil and run the day's errands. Take care all. Thanks for reading. :)