A qs to my methods, maybe innocent, made me think about the logic behind it. Is it coincidence tt in both my r/s, both were affected by another party? Is it that? And the qs of why now. Does X have anything to do with the timings?

I've always adhered by certain rules in my r/s. Some new, some old. And tho some might defy logic but it's really pure which is what and how I want my r/s to be. No games no nothing, no pretense no manipulation. It's a simple rule, just love me for me. Not cos of anything else. And maybe, true in the initial stages, things probably started from "oh, he showered me with a lot of attention" but I'd think that after some time, that becomes secondary and the primary reason was cos I like him. Nothing else. Not cos he did so and so for me, or cos he endured so long so it's only FAIR.

Fairness to me shouldn't be a consideration at all. Nor should debt be of concern either. Simply love him or her just cos u do and I'm pretty sure it'd rough things through.

So what then? What has been the issue that has plagued my love life even after so long? Is it really my giving them full freedom to have caused this? Should I really have fenced up the area and not let them go out to meet other people? Would that have addressed the problem? I believe not.

Maybe there are some who believe in keeping their gals on a tight lease but that's not me. Simply cos I really wnat them to have the freedom and on top of that, there's no way I can pull that off without seemin like a possesive bf and that is really bad. Cos it makes me look ugly and makes any possible, potential or future candidates/guys/threats seem more appealing and understanding.

I see so often gfs being unhappy cos their bf possesive, must noe going out wif who or cannot do this or that. It sickens me somehow and I told myself I wouldn't be one of that. It's a principle of mine. Am I happy? Well, wif my ex, I wasn't. I couldn't handle it. And I realised it was simply that I didn't trust her nor was I secure about myself. With Y, I remedied all that. I became more certain of myself and the r/s. Believing that the r/s would withstand and that she wouldn't do anything silly. And if anything, I didn't trust the guy and that was valid. Of cos, she proved me wrong time and time again.

And in my next or future r/s, would I change my stand? No. I've always stuck to doing the right thing when managing my r/s.

So why now? Is X really the issue? I can't complete exclude her out nor can I say it's entirely that. Here's the timeline.

Before I got to know X, Y already had the issue wif GFTP. I had warned her that if there's anything, she'd better make it worth the while cos I'm not gonna stick around if things go wrong this time. But through it all, she maintained that it's all been nothing. I've lamented about treating me like a fool and well, silliness just pops up eventually and i asked myself, why I was holding on so.

In comes X, whom I think ain't too bad a person. And I opened myself up to risk. And maybe she's the factor, the oil to keep the fire burnign maybe, but maybe tt's all i needed, an added reason to stick to what I wanted. Which is out of the relationship. I realised I held on not cos I wanted to stay with her purely but cos of history and habit. I removed all that and all I saw was this person who had given me grief, one I could no longer trust. I no longer saw the happier times as clearly as before. And even if I did, it'd be plagued with doubts as to when she's gonna allow another into her heart even if it's briefly. When is she gonna throw the whole r/s into inbalance?

I've given up makin her feel guilty. In this whole incident, I played it clean. I pulled no tricks like gettin her on guilt trips. I made it very very simple. Either he or I. No, "what happened to the times we spent together, didn't tt mean anything or anything of tt sort". I did that in the past simply because I was desperate. Now, quite simply, I want to know the truth. Given equal factors and equal opportunity, who do you choose. She failed without even trying simply because she allowed the situation to work for her. She made it such that she relied on how external factors responded. Meaning, if my effort had gone to completely zero, she wouldn't waste her time with me. I just needed to see that.

But I had already made up my mind in leavin before she decided or before X appeared. I had asked myself, how long does one have to take before he starts feeling foolish. Even her friends are thinkin enough is enough for her. When am I gonna learn?

Well, maybe it needed an X in a picture to keep the fire going but that's what I need to keep going cos I know the r/s ain't gonna go all the way. I'm holding on not cos of hope for the future but simply I was living each day at a time. I had mentioned that. And maybe according to 'surprise me', it feels like I ain't got a shortage of women and that may be true. It feels that way. But would I retract my decision if X was completely out of the picture after the break is done. I probably would.

Would I regret if things didn't work out well between me n X. I won't.

I' had left and then went back to her simply cos I felt i couldn't bear to cos memories kept holding me back. It's not reason enuff for me to hold on.

At the begining, I had told her she was someone I could take care of. And it's not any different now. But so long as these efforts seem discluded and not taken into account and rather the simple rules in a r/s flouted, then wad seriously is the reason to hold on? You can be free all u want, do what you want but don't even attempt to bend the rules. Somehow, by doing so, it's just throwing everything I've ever did in my face.

So can I still trust her? I don't I can. Can she say anything to salvage the situation? I don't think so. There's nothing she can say I haven't already head and even if she does say it, I don't I can believe it anymore. To me, her words just hold no weightage.

My only fear is that she cries and my heart goes soft.

Understand that it's not cos I dun love her nor did I stop caring. It's none of these but simply I can't continue a r/s with her under the conditions she set. Just simply that.

I don't know why I'm explainin all these either cos I know the determination of the break up does not hang on what people think cos no one knows the full story. And really end of the day, it's our decision to make. Well, in this case. Mine.