It's one of those jaded entries once again.

I watched Crying Out For Love In the Centre of the World with Amy at Cine last night. It's been a long long time since I watched a love story really. It's funny how I have changed, how my perspectives have changed. Actually, to be accurate, using myself as an example (which I always do too often), it's funny how people's perspective changes over time to a constant subject. I'll always remember something someone said, there can't be growth without change which I guess is right to say, if there is change, there is automatically growth (in a good or bad way)

I find it funny in the past, I used to feel sad in regards to the show. Things like why couldn't Romeo gt together with Juliet. Tho there are times screen values leak into real life and I question about the reality we live in. Last night, I questioned it more than I usually did. I questioned why reality was so harsh. I started relating it to my own life. And I wondered why I couldn't have that perfect love with Amy. I automatically presumed that it was her that made it difficult to have. That if she was more easy, I would actually give more of myself. But back of my mind, I guess I never feel it fair to point fingers even tho I often lament about her.

I wanna have the assurance that she'll be here when I return. I wanna return and have her in my life. And then we'll get married when I settle in my job or something. I wan all that. But maybe it's not so much her but just whatever I'm with. I sometimes think it that. That it doesn't neccesarily need to be amy. But I sometimes also think it nice that it were her. But each day passes and I'm conflicted and wonder if she is really the one for me. Maybe I just NEED that she believes that we'll be together but when she doesn't and believes we both stray apart, it just makes things shitty.

I yearn for a perfect life, a perfect love. I yearn for someone that I would be happy with. I yearn to spend all my waking moments with this person. But sadly, reality is always far from the dreams we have. Life really isn't that simple. We dream of so much more in our lives, but what we are facing and have to face in real life hampens, prevents us from getting what we want. Sometimes, it is the exact need of survival that prevents us from ever getting that one love we want. To hold on to the very thing we love due to a basic need of survival of the future.

As much as I don't want to leave Amy here on her own. As much as I wish I could take care of her all my life. I also NEED to leave this place to do what I wanna do. To pursue my dreams.

Many have childed that my relationship with Amy is a selfish one. And that for her own good, I should let her go. That she's already all set and the next step for her is marriage. What about me? Mine isn't. My life isn't synched with her. She's all revved for marriage and it might prob be the next thing for her but what about me? I'm still tryin to stablised my life and that won't happen in the next 5-6 years. So is it wrong or right to expect me to wait for her then? Or is the solution right now marriage? That I gotta be engaged to her to seal this relationship. That would demean the whole idealogy right (me who doesn't even believe in it in the first place)

Now, as she lies beside me, I think to myself, it's so sad that tho so near, we're so far apart right now. Tho we go out, have our laughs and share moments, somehow at the back of my mind, I feel that it'll all end soon. That everything is just so near. I think I do know that once I leave, I don't expect her to stay faithful. Not sayin it's her fault. Maybe she is just the kind who just needs somoene constantly there for her. To be there for her all the time. And if that is the case, then maybe I just ain't that person for her.

Tho I may argue what ever happened to faithfulness or wad not in a relationship. Sometimes I wonder, which happened first, me doing what I did or her starting to lose faith in me which lead me to not bother so much in what I did.

Anyway, main purpose for this post was the show. Through the show, I was sad how my life is that even if I wanted a perfect life with amy, I knew it wouldn't happen. It may be me leaving, it may be her driving me away or whatever but somehow, I just don't have the faith in the relationship. And the thing is, I really want that, I hope that it would really work out. I wonder why the relationship we have is not so simple and pure like in the show. But like I said, reality is always far from our dreams and that makes me really really sad.

LIFE'S TIMING
As days go by and the hand moves
things around me start to grow.
I question what make me do
what won't eventually show.

The days ahead are bleak for both
but singularly, it shines.
Should we do what's necessary
and help each other in kind?

Is life so cruel that through these times
a blade's gotta cut the infant's head
even before it's given a chance
to show how it might be great?

But isn't that how life is,
that which makes you kill
the love with your dreams
and your dreams with what's real.