Are we all depressive people? Or maybe just me. Cos realised that moajority of my posts are initiated by gloomy moments.

I did mention to someone once that I feel that I am the most creative when i'm down. That's when I feel expressive, arty whatever.

I used to write poems a lot of poems (more than now anyway,if any) but now, it's somewhat kinda deadened. I used to write them when I was depressed or sad about something. Nowadays, I barely even lift up a pen cept to write in my organiser of days' events. Does it mean, I'm less disatisfied and depressed of my life? Or does it mean, I've found another outlet to let things out. I'll like to think it's the former actually.

I used to write poems as a form of outlet, to phsyicalise (lotsa new words today :p ) the anguish and pain in myself, seldom to lament on how great life was. Then in early poly years, I wrote to inspire sometimes myself, sometimes others. Now, I don't even write them except to A which sometimes is about good stuff, and sometimes about bad.

CHANGES
The trip has indeed changed me. I'm not sure by how much. I'm not sure what either. Thinking slightly differently. And also, because of the trip, it has affected things around, not just me. Things between me and amy and somewhat... different.

I'm not sure if it's because of how I'm thinkin tt's causing it, or if it's because of how she's reacting tt's causing a change in my thinkin and reactions around her.

We still have out normal moments which we used to have but now, when we hit a snag, it seems, weird. Different. She mentioned something to me in the sms last night. She said I wasn't telling her things anymore. I'm not sure what is it pertaining and I have many guesses why she might say that. I'm concerned why she would say that.

She might be right but again, I wonder what was she refering to.

I had gone drinkin with her on Monday to calm her cos she was aggitated over something I can't remember. that night seemed to be overshadowed by her over drinking again. During that day, she said she hated the fact that she had missed out on 2 months of my life. Think the thesis for tt night was that she realised that she's very insecure. Asked about what, she mentioned me. Think it's linked to the missing out on 2 months thing.


SATURDAY
On saturday, I was showing her photos from my phone and came to this set of pics in bed, in a baby-liked position (was goofing around with friends and clowing around, then they wrapped me up like a baby in a crib) but anyway, had mentioned that it was in a girl's room and with this other guy and what not. *note: ok, most of you would've thot it bad judgement on my part to have mentioned I was in another girl's room and tho, fact of the matter was that I had not done anything, it was still a bad call.* but anyway, that marked a low point during that day.

On saturday, I was checkin to see if she was watching the dvd I had brought back and she barked back fiercely "i'm watching lah". I took that kinda badly. And subsequently after, she mentined that she realised, I took pride in my work (of which I have no idea what sparked that comment and can only assume that she had thot I was showing her the dvd cos I was showing her what I did but in actuallity, it was cos I thot she would enjoy certain bits). We didn't talk about the incident even tho I wasn't too happy about the whole incident as I thot myself misunderstood. I didn't wanna pursue the matter and just wanted it to go to rest.

DAY OF ANGUISH
I was stupendously pissed off yesterday. But strangely though sparked by her, I couldn't blame her for it. I had agreed to go to the gala premiere of Initial D (yes, it's that cursed name again. I don't mind him mind you, think his songs are nice but do we really need to go chase him?) without knowing what to expect. Big mistake. Was in the freakin crowd for 2 hours waiting and the pay off for the night, one lousy photo of him. Anyway, my back was aching, I was a lil hungry and pissed that I had to squeeze in the fucking crowd. KNN!!! Realised I hate crowds and queuing but somehow don't mind the clubbing crowd. Guess it's because that things are moving and it's not all that hot. But anyway, note to self, crowds, josstling and hunger doesn't make me a dandy person.

Anyway, I was gettin really fired up in the wait, feeling so much like punching the bugger next to me not because it was he was doing anything but just felt like doing it anyway. Felt so pent up and frustrated. Felt like a guai lan ah beng when I was jostling out of the crwod with her after everything was over and done. Sulked with a pissed off face all the way to the Scott's food court. Didn't end the night well at all.

Couldn't really blame her for all that happened and all i could blame was myself for putting myself in the situation and for agreeing. Wonder if there's anything wrong with me. Agreeing, wanting to make her happy but later regretting for doing so.

NITPICKING
She had mentioned yesterday that apparantly that the gala premiere is very crowded already. Time was 5ish. I asked her how she know, she told me, her contacts. I asked who, then she mentioned friend lah. And well, I just left it as that after tryin to probe a lil. Here's the thing, I've always made it a point to tell her who calls, instinctively, even tho sometimes, against better judgement, cos the person ain't someone she's happy with. She doesn't usually have the practice and apparantly, that's always been the case with her exes as well. What irked me was when I asked, she kept tryin to skirt makin me think it's somebody i'm not supposed to know about or something which irritates the shit out of me. thing is, usually, I'm always cool with whoever she hangs with but in this case, the more she hides, the more I have a peeve with her not telling me, regardless of who it is. Not so much the person but the act of skirting. fuck man.

anyway, cos of that incident, I'm leavin out who I'm smsin these days, probably due to saturday's 'missin out your 2months' incident as well. I won't be surprised it's eating her inside out, wonderin who I've been smsing these couple of days cos I've been smsin a lot more than usual and the funny thing is, it's all the normal issues i need to clear like smsin kenny abt using his coms, tryin to meet up with people which is a lot. Darn freakin a lot, like steven, jan, miss tan, min... (lucky guys settled for next week liao so safe) so not surprised if she wonders what I'm up to. Coupled with the me in girl's bed incident, it's probably the perfect ingredient for her to anyhow think.

TIRED
She mentioned something about her insecurity, maybe in me. That was on Monday. Somehow, finding things are somewhat overlapping here and there and I wonder if it's all to do with the 2 months missing out on my life. Does that translate to, 'god knows what you've been up to over there'? and if so, is that sparkin uncertainity on her part as to what I'm doing and my faithfulness.

After she mentioned her being insecure and somehow, possibly linkin it to me, i sian liao. Of course, when she said it, I couldn't show tt I couldn't care but truth of the matter is really, it's not up to me to solve that problem anymore. More so if the security issue is regarding me. My hands are tied. Honestly speakin, I'm tired of being doubted time and again. Bloody fuckin tired. Why don't people understand the more fears they have of another, the more they are realisng that fear by havin that fear. Self fulfiling. And tho I might not sway to what she fears, but I'm def not feeling all too happy about being doubted either. Can I blame her for feeling that way, maybe to circumstances or not? I really don't know but all I know is that it makes things tiresome when I need to explain myself all the time. FUCK ...

DECISION
Very soon, I'm going to have to make the decision on whether I should be going overseas to study. Currently, all factors seem to swing that way right now. Family support is swinging that direction. Finances seem to be going in the same way as family since they're one and the same. I dread the day I decide and have to tell her. Right now, I ain't very sure whether going is a good idea, simply because of her. As each day passes after the trip, I filled more with dread that our relationship won't last if I do go overseas to study. I feel I won't have peace of mind if I go. I'm thinkin, if 2 months can cause so much complications, what will 2-3 years bring? And will she really stay true to me all this time?

It's funny, I never thought a relationship can be so restrictive. Isn't being with someone all about being free to do what you want? Isn't being in love so that you have the strength to pursue what you want, not prevent you from going after your dreams. Cos right now, i feel my relationship stands in the way of that. My dreams and ambitions. Maybe they can never work and walk together.

(i feel so hypocritical and disgusted that here I am lamenting about the supposed shittiness of things and on the window, I'm chattin wif her as normally as possible)

I've typed too much now. I really need to pack my room, else, my room will never be neat and I'll never go about with my affairs.. Think the next time I complain, thanks for listenin.