It's funny. As days go by with each obstacle presented to my relationship, I find less and less things to be hopeful for. It's as if all aspirations or what I desired it to be, have waned and faded away. It loses all sensibility when parties say things to hurt each other. BUt as she says, I may be too sensitive. But that's nothing new is it? BUt maybe in these recent times, I seem to be.

In any case, if anybody is interested to know. She found out I have gotten access to her blog through unethical means. And her being a champion of privacy and all si obviously offended. And I, of course, was fully aware of what I was getting myself into but guess didn't think so much of 'what if she found out' bit. And sadly, i failed to fulfil the most basic and most important bit. That is, not to get caught.

And now, I'm faced with the world's worth of guilt for what I did. I ain't even sure if she knows. And even if she does, what it's worth. She's made it clear that she'll never forgive me but somehow made no indication that we should break. But how's the relationship to continue then? At the back of my head, I so feel like tellin her, what of the times when she did unthinkables and I forgave her, what abt that. But I know it's not right to dig up old debts. Neither is claimin myself to be inifinitely forgiving gonna help in the cause, whatever it is right now. So what's the relationship now when forgiveness is not gonna be an option. Can it still go on with that constantly nagging around?

It's funny. Things have gone so layered, I don't really dare to say anything anymore for fear of triggering something on her side. And supportors of tellin the truth and all can forget about that cos it's not so easy. And if you think apologies haven't been done. Here's a fruit for thought. Reply to apology was "if things can be solved so easily, there won't be a need for policemen". Good response if you asked me cos that got me stumped. I know what I've done is wrong and the only thing to do is really for her to forgive me but so long as she doesn't I really don't know what else to do. I can't sit easy knowing that back of her mind, she hates me for what I'm worth. And it would be funny if this is how I'm gonna go down. least I learnt that with her, there's not such thing as major mistakes and no such thing as 2nd chances. What a way to find that out. I guess maybe, being forgiving isn't all that hyped up to be. And qs is, if we give it time, will she soon learn to forgive? I really don't know.

Dont' know where I'm going with all these either. Sure would hope for the van to come along again. Sigh...