HEART AND MIND
Breakin has never and is never easy, it feels like you leave so much behind, a part of yourself, a memory maybe your soul even. I should correct myself, tryin to manage things after a break up is tough. Times I sit alone, I can manage things calmly, telling myself that it's the right thing to do. That maybe both of us would be happeir this way. But unexpectedly, memories will creep back and I feel saddened by the simple fact that we both want to be with each other. It's never been the case that we didn't want or not love each other, it's just simply, not possible this time and seem somewhat dumb to some that if 2 people wanted to be together with each other, why they couldn't just do so.

I guess, for me, I've lost the reason to fight, to stay. That reason left when she wasn't there with me on Saturday. It will be a decision that will pain me always because despite all I did, she's still one person I'd wan to be with tho sometimes, things just don't seem possible and I'll always question why things turned out the way it did when they do. But the consolation will always be how much she makes me happy being with her.

Now, in my heart, all I wan right now is to have her beside me. But in my mind, I know, that it's the wrong thing to do cos I gotta stick to what I believed to be right. Some may argue that love is all about the heart, screw the mind. (hmm.. sounds like a motto) but I can't ignore it completely.

on a more practical sense, I'd hate to have to know another person altogether all over again. It's tiring as both of us agree. Right now, it's strange but I don't really feel like entertaining anyone. I'd thot that in the times when me n her had a bad patch, I"d jump at the opportunity to meet the people she objected me to meet but now, I ain't exactly jumpin to the chances I have either. Mayb I just can't be bothered to explain it to the people that requires explainin. Prob another reason y Jos was the best candidate to tok to. Least he understands. And strangely enough, one of A's friend Wy whom I spoke briefly to ask to take care of her and help her keep in check and also check on her from time to time to make sure she doesn't anything silly which we both agree, she's prone to impulsiveness.

I find it funny and amazing that she's not the most ideal person for me, in terms of interest, level of thinkinor sometimes, not even the same wavelength but yet somehow, we managed to stay together so long and I can even safely say I loved and still love her. But maybe things just weren't meant to be now. And maybe we will see each other yrs down the road and rekindle the flame. And hopefully by then, she'd have grown well as a person. Of which a sudden thot struck me that, if one wants to discover themselves as a person, esp after a bout of relationship, then being alone is the best way to go about doing it. It's the best way to find out yourself as an individual and what you truly want for yourself.

I've come to a realisation that somehow, based on samplin or stats or wadeva the right term is, love ain't a very common thing to have and sustain. Somehow, I know more people who are not attached, unhappily attached as compared to people who are in love and happily attached. like almost 80% of people I know are not attached. And i'm not just tokin about close circles or wad, it extends to people outside of the circle and even to school. seems somewhat sad. Is love really so difficult to attain. Even when i was with her, I can't safely say I was truly happy with her. I know it sounds odd but that' s how it was, truly.

I'll prob ramble on for the next few entries till everyone gets tired of my moping but before that happenes, thanks to all who has been there for all my trials and tribulations and hope that I can be there for yours as well. Take care all and if you're still in love, hold on to that love.

Cheers