There are things in my life there will always leave a mark. Things I'll nvr forget. My first breakup, my disappointments in my past relationship, no date for prom...didn't get the cd i wanted but expected realli reali alot.. Some r funny, some r disappointing.

I feel I've changed. I'm somehow expecting more out of her and I'm somewhat at a loss whether is it right of me to do so. I used to not expect things out of her so much. Just hope, then if dun, I'll just go, hey, i should be glad she's there but recent events reali make me quesiton myself, her and her integrity and love.

There has been a recent turn of things regarding my grandpa. Friday he was sent to assisi s i think, it was better for him, people there can take care of him better. On sat, my father (n his champion msgg) msged tt "aft inj. now in coma." I was like, inj=injury or inj= injection. But the coma word was enough to jolt me. I was on my way to suntec for the IT fair and oso had to buy a friend's present and Amy was with me. I asked her can she accompany me to assisi. She asked back, 'for what'? I said, keep me company. She said, dun think so, cos didn't think she'd feel comfortable. Then said, my family's there for company.

I don't think I can ever comprehand n understand the situation or her. I'm aware that she is not comfy in a crowd or situations with a lot of strangers. (I tried to teach the editing software to ehr when she was over my school but she was 'out of her comfort zone' and didn't feel like listening.) But I figured the seriousness of the situation would extend pass her comfortability and that it didn't matter. That she should be puttin me over herself. But that was not the case.

I decided not to go to the IT fair cos I figured I'd hate myself if anything did happen in between and also, I didn't noe the exact situaiton for the night. Bot my friend's present quickly n took a cab down to assisi at Mt Alvernia, alone. Grandpa was in a somewhat unconcious state so it was quite saddening. Whole family was there.

I told her later, I hated the fact that I was alone there, I had to hold back emotions cos 1. didn't think it appropriate in front of family, 2. no one was there for comfort. I was disappointed and i wondered if it was really wrong for me to have expected that. I didn't think it was wrong but then again, why doesn't my previous logic apply here. If she comes, bonus for me, if she doesn't, dun be sore she doesn't n be glad she did in the past. But somehow, I couldn't bring myself to think that. I don't expect a lot out of my gfs but I somehow expect that the least they could do is be there for me in my moments of 'triumphs' and moments of weakness or sadness. I wan her to be the one to console. I wonder, is it wrong that I do that? Tho her consolation is that, it's not like she didn't want to go, she wants to be there for me. Fuck man, they're jsut words cos at the end of the day, she's not there so what's the point. And now she tells me she apologises.

Assholic thing was, earlier, she had mentioned tt she should've gone through with her plans with this other friend. KNNBCCB... Insensitive bitch. S Romeo says, she 'jibes the wounds that hurt.'

And when at the hospital, she was complainin when I was tryin to reason with her why i needed her there, she complained y i was always forcing her to do things. FUckin pissed at tt line.

[it's weird, our conversations now. on msn with her. our nicks r

ling: ^ says:

Elwin: She wants to go home now, but nobody's home, that's where she lies, broken inside.... says:]


And now, there's nothign she can do or say to rectify her wrongs because the damage's done and anything she does would be due to me and tt's not something I wan. It's genuine and sincere if she does it out of her own accord, but it's fuckin cheap if she did it after I lamented about it. I'm so tempted to write her a letter following up the events but it's no point. This 2 weeks will be a test to see if this relationship is worth it. Lately, there's more and more reasons for me to give it up. And the recent events just adds to it. Slowly, the reasons to leave are going to supercede the reasons to stay.

This is something I'll never forgive her for. And I wonder if it is ever possible to forget but not forgive. Cos I noe I never will. Cos all the things she's done is squat when in the face of direness and despair, she isn't there. She had asked, nothin serious right when i told her abt going to the assisi. The old man's in a coma for god's sake, wad's nothing serious abt it? And did it hafta wait til he's on his last breath, i rushed there to be by his side and you included?

I will be bitter, i will be sore, i will be an ass about it.

HER COLDNESS
The time I fell, a touch was gold
She's never around for me to hold.
Though coming off like a whore
All I need is comfort, nothing more.

In pain, I needed soothing
But here wasn't such a thing.
Her hands weren't anywhere near
Nowhere at all to wipe my tear.

All I really asked for was support
A should to hold, not even God.
But there was none from her
Not sure if there'll be, ever.

12 March 2005 2200