I wonder when I'd be over this whole Y thing. Maybe when I set up my new life in a month n a half's time.

In some way, i guess I should be glad that she does eventually move on. But I guess the person who gets left behind, who moves on the slowest would always have it worst. And both would take turns wondering what's happenin on each others' side.

I guess we're both tired. I'm quite puzzled why it does take so long to move on. Cos logically, I KNOW that it's for the best. But somehow, the mind n heart ain't in sync. Maybe I'm having too much time to think. Which is ironic cos I feel like I got a LOT to finish up. Jsut that I'm not going about it and def going about it too slowly.

I guess regardless of the reasons, it'll always be sad to lose somehow whom you've been so close to for 3 years. More so when u both went through so much rubbish together. But maybe, the disappointing factor for her would be that I sorta gave up.

So much is all an unknown right now. And so much is banging on the future which is unknown. A hope that there might be someone better, a hope that this better person would be where I'd eventually be, a hope that I'd find my career overseas. But yet all this is a hope which i am not sure of, or even confident of. But some would call it life no? And what if nothing works out, I come back with NOTHING. I'd have lost a love for nothing, and so much more.

But it'd be selfish of me, no? To have someone love me so, yet not be able or be certain to return what is due to her. Maybe there is never the perfect person... jus how much u guys are willing to stick to it. Wait, haven't I said that before?

I'm so afraid of what the future beings. So afraid that all I'm doing now is a wrong. A wrong decision in love, in my life and in the lives of those who are putting so much for my sake. What ever happened to that certainty.. that confidence and decisiveness... Could it be that I was never meant to have so much? Or ask for so much and to aim for so high?

Everything's a joke. YL once mentioned that I had no direciton.. no aim and strangely enuff, I eventually developed one and proved her wrong. Y didn't think her ex was good for her cos she didn't foresee that he would amount to anything. I came along and seemed to have more drive n direction and the irony of that is that, it is this exact bit that is driving a wedge in the gears. She loved me more than I loved her. She once said that maybe, or rather, she did agree that it was better to have someone love u more than you loving the other. I won't be surprised if her next guy would be such. That so long as he was willing to stay for her, to live for her and well, be anything for her, then whatver flaws he might have would be acceptable. I might be clairvoyant. But let's hope I'm wrong and that she finds the love that everyone would admire and would provide for her needs, financially, emotionally and mentally.