I listen to Eminem's When I'm Gone and Fort Minor's Where'd You Go and somehow, I can imagine me in all of them and somehow my future possibly leading up to that.

When I'm Gone talks about the character who's so busy with his singing he neglects his kid. So much so that the kid has enough and tells him off

"And I bought you this coin, it says 'Number One Dad' "That's all I wanted, I just want to give you this coin "I get the point - fine, me and Mommy are going" But baby wait, "it's too late Dad, you made the choice "Now go out there and show 'em that you love 'em more than us"

In Where'd You Go, it tells of a girl who's had enough of her partner's not being around all the time because of his work and how she misses her company but eventually, she has enough and leaves.

"She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,
"I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once and a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it...

Somehow when I do get what I want and my careers goes as far as I wannit, I can imagine things to go this way and I know this isn't fair for whatever partner I may have. And I wonder if I'm destined to not have anyone with me.

I later questioned then, if there's no one there then when you succeed, no one's gonna be happy for you. Friends yes but no one person who's part of your life like a significant other. Somehow, as I've mentioned b4, without this person's validation and joy for you, success somehow seems lacking. I dunno, somehow, it's like one gets an ultra rare something but you got no one to tell to. Tell a friend n seriously, the response isn't as satisfying as when you tell your other half.



I chanced upon Y's stuff again, sniffed it a lil (not crazy, it's sweet ok?) and somehow, just thought of her and to top it off, we had a short, sorta, exchange on the net where she asked for her things and asked why she didn't wanna take it from me direct, she just says 'she doesn't want to see me'.

And I realised, there's a girl who loves me all so much. So much so til I'm not sure if I'll ever find one who would love me as much as her. But, unfortunately, combined with the stuff I mentioned above, I know our relationship would be a trying one (if history hasn't proven that as it is). Because another key thing, I would never ever be able to share my success and happiness with her. Somehow, I imagine me going 'oh boy... i managed to get this or this model to finally do a sexy shoot or some shit like tt' and somehow, I just can't imagine her being truly really happy for me. And I truly am saddened by it. Then I got to hide it. Of course tt's just an example n it's not always a pretty girl or soemthing but it shouldn't be capped to anything. If it's a good thing, it's a good thing. Nothing else. Why's it always gotta be added with a couple of other stuff like compromising situations and all that. Why couldn't she be just happy for me for what I've managed to achieve? Why?

I'm sad because that tho overlooking other factors may be possible, somehow, this would just eat things away for what is a r/s without sharing the joys in our own lives with each other. What would it be if the joy of one is the dread of another. For somehow, the joys to me give nothing but misery to her.

What a tragic relationship we had and I don't know why I didn't just end it from the start when I knew.

I dunno, I can't imagine myself have a long lasting relationship or should I even have any at all. i don't wanna end up hurting anyone anymore. not with my future floating all over the place. Where my desire is not to settle down anywhere really.

Sigh.. I dunno.