SCUM/FUCKER/BASTARD (fill in desired noun here)* of the YEAR!!

I now hear the songs of people leaving another. Or even Westlife's If Your Heart's Not In It and can't help but think I'm the jerk in the song. Among other songs.

Everything's in the open right now. All that I feel about us, about her... no masquerades or anything. The uncertainty's in the open. She's aware of all my uncertainties in the relationship and we've come to establish that I ain't sure of the relationship and her.

We had an honest talk last night and tho I think she somehow handled things well, I can't say I wanna be in her shoes either. It's like everything she's ever held on to, every inch of hope of any, just shatters in one night from everything I said.

I felt I shouldn't and couldn't try to mask my words anymore. I couldn't try to skirt the issues any longer. The fact was really, i wasn't sure of the relationship and her. I couldn't give her a proper concrete answer.

But I do know that at the end of it all, we've established that I'm a selfish fuck who doesn't consider her or factor her into my plans. I have no sense of commitment such that I am able to just leave her without thinkin about the relationship. She couldn't understand how I could do it. Maybe I knew why. But all I know that everything stems from me. Somehow all that i've done, all the good (when there were) doesn't seem to matter anymore. Somehow all I could see was that I had the power to change things. I was so aware of what was going on. I knew the full picture of the relationship, but yet I chose to do nothing about it. I told myself that maybe.. just maybe, things would get better.

I know I had the power to do so much more. I could've accepted her for who she was. I could've put in more effort in trying to get her there. I could've learnt to ignore all that I couldn't accept about her and really saw the beauty in her. But no.. I didn't do any of these. I could neither try to change her or accept. All I could was just sit back and hope for something to happen. As Fatboy says, things don't just change overnight and maybe not at all in a lifetime. I know what I'm doing is wrong... hoping for someone to change rather than accepting a person for who she was.

I hate myself for being the cause of her hurt and misery. It was never supposed to be the case. I wanted to eleviate, not cause it. She may show that she's alright now, but somehow, I can't help but imagine that everything's all in shatters in there right now. And I caused it. It was never meant to be this way and I know sorry doesn't mean anything nor can it solve or appease anything.... I know it's for the better, least i think so... but isn't better being able to give her exactly what she wants... what she always dreamed of? I mean, she dreamt of us together with a future!! I couldn't. Why did I wait so long to do something about something I was aware of earlier. Why did I allow things to go that far when I was aware of what and how things were? Why wasn't I strong enough to cut it when I had the chance. I'm a selfish prick to prolong thing just cause I couldn't due with nostalgia or the feeling of familiarity. I was weak to not been able to deal with the pain of a breakup despite knowing that it SHOULD for the better. I SHOULD have known better. What was I thinking? It's not just me involved here...

I hearby present this FUCKED-UP JERK award to myself...

I no longer know how to face her anymore... Somehow, I feel like a walking disappointment and shame. I dont think I got the right or anything to talk to her, to face her in any way.