20th April 2006 0100 (US Time) 1600 (SG Time)
Mistakes. Truly, there isn’t any room for it sometimes.

Often we know what we are doing is wrong but never can bring ourselves to stop a destructive nature of ours until the consequences are too heavy to bear, OR we lose something. It may be in the form of pride, money or just something dear to us.

During work, there’s so much to achieve when you wish to push your boundaries but yet, you cannot, CANNOT afford to make a mistake in such a process. I feel that’s the gamble. In order to improve yourself, your confidence, sometimes, it is necessary to go past your boundaries to try something you’ve never done before so that you can pull everything you have ever learnt, all that you know, into this project which is a whole new thing to you. But it’s not easy to do such a thing. Sometimes I think that’s just me. Afraid to take that leap just cause I don’t have such confidence in taking something I’ve never had any experience in. Or that I don’t have any clue how to convert all I know and have done into this project.

But if you fuck it up real bad. Then your rep’s tarnished quite heavily and well, it’s gonna take a long time for it to be cleaned up and that’s really important.



21st April 2006 0105 (US Time) 1605 (SG Time)

I just finished watching Samurai X: Reflections. It’s the ending to the whole series. Sorta like years later when he finally marries Cori/Kaoru. In case people are wondering, Samurai X is a story about a former assassin who’s trying to make amends for all the murders he committed during the war. In this finale, this girl Cori/Kaoru waits for him for years. In the series they were never married but in this story Reflections, they finally are married and she waits for him patiently while he goes to make his atonements for all he has done.

I know my life isn’t in any way like the story, that drama, but somehow, I feel a slight sense of parallelism and I can’t bear to go through something similar. Or rather, I can’t bear to get someone to go through the same thing tho if I were to assume if she’s willing to do so and that she would want it no other way, I just couldn’t do it. It’s funny that after what I’ve done, here I am thinking that it’s not fair to her. For me to seek my dream while she waits patiently, without any assurances that I might ever come back to her.

As time goes past, I start having doubts that it’s any fair to her. But sometimes, I wonder, what really are my dreams? And how far can they take me. And when I’m 40, is that what I wanna be left with and is that all I ever want to have? Sure, I’d wanna settle someday, but somehow, I don’t feel it right to burden someone else, no matter how much they say they don’t mind. Much worse when someone like me isn’t sure of so many things. Of myself, or my future and what’s gonna happen then. I don’t have the answers. I’ve got nothing.