I sometimes wished things set in faster.

coming to 2 weeks of the break up and how am I doing? Alright actually tho fazed by how something turned out to be so darn .. i dunno.. unright..

I analyse my life now as compared to before. Somehow, it seemed to have more purpose then.

I've told Y before, she didn't have to do anything. Just one simple thing of being there for me when I needed someone to fall on, that's all I needed from her. She doesn't hafta do a lot. Or anything for that matter. Of cos, stayin out of trouble is mandatory. But somehow, things weren't that simple. Cos time after time, she gave me one headache after another. Granted, to be fair, it wasn't always bad always but like i said, I remember it to be just that somehow.

Now thinkin back about what I said then and comparing to the state of my life now, I realised things were brighter then. True, there were bleak moments but if there was one thing consistent in my life was the joy she brought me. Consistent with the bane of life of course. But at least then, I knew if there was one thing positive in my life and should be glad for, it was her. Light of my life, if you would call it. But now I hate her cos she destroyed that. Maybe I had a part to play in it cos don't it take 2 hands to clap? I dunno, now, somehow, she just seems like the thief tt stole my happiness away. True, when I think about it, it IS for the better seein I didn't think she was perfect for me (but whoever said we HAD to have the perfect person) and I'd probably be better off with someone else.

Now, i'm just sad that things turned out that way. I'm not gonna wish for a change but just sad about things.

And now, abt X... Somehow seems like a deadend. I know my side of things but I"m almost sure the feeling's not mutual and a stupid part of me is thinkin that things might change. I'm in a bit of a dilema now cos I'm on the verge (maybe i'm there now) of being exactly in the same position as someone I have been endlessly trying to coax out of liking this person cos it seemed like there wasn't a future in it.

I dunno, cos right now, every bit in me tells me, X is perfect. Cept for the core bits of her being attached n that she's NOT AS INTERESTED IN ME as I am of her.

I'm afraid. Afraid of liking a person too much. Committing too much cos right now, I feel like I'm putting too much of myself into the whole thing and I don't want that. But on the one hand, I don't want to lose having her as a friend cos really, to have her as a friend is really a blessing for me. But I can't keep being in-between, liking her yet trying to stay in the shadows of being a friend. It's just not possible. It's tormenting really. Cos I feel, if I detach myself and stick to being friends, it's really easy but yet I soon realise that the feelings aren't really the same after a while. It slips back to liking her.

Stupid too and an ego part of me just find tt it stinks that I seem to be grovling at her feet (fine, not tt bad yet but it might happne) and I freakin hate that. I don't really wish for her to be another YL where I revolved my life around her (ok tech, i dun haf much of a life right now either). It's distractin in any case. But I cna't let go either, knowing that I never tried.

Sucks sucks sucks. Maybe I'll just go for it, pretty sure that things won't work out. And be comforted that I tried before and I'll get myself to move on. And maybe in time she'll fall for me and think I'm like a god and come after me. Yeah right. When that happens anyway.

Man, this world sucks. The people that like you ain't our type and the people we like, we ain't their type. What the fuck is wrong with this world. I'm afraid I fall into X's type of 'no chemistry' kinda shit. Sheesh. sucks I tell u cos there's seemingly, nothing that can be done. You know, the whole, 'we can only be friends' kinda shit? I tell, it's the polite way of saying, 'sorry, not interested.' Knn sia...

Bah, I bitched enough, I'm gonna listen to angry songs and piss myself off and hopefully tt'd jump start me back to work rather than lamenting and pawing for something tt is no guarantee... knn.. why must she be attached? This would be so much easier if she wasn't. Fuck sia... ccb...