"Trust me" she said.

This line somehow has lost it's meanin with me when it's comin from her. After repeated breaches, it really has lost it's value. If 'trust me' had lead to a change, then that's fine. But yet, it hasn't been so. Each and everytime, there has always been an excuse. Because of this, because of that. Truly, i am fortunate to have had her return. But here's the thing, does tt mean it right and forgiveable that if I do sleep with someone else, it's forgiveable cos I was horny. Does it mean that?

I've only been caught misplacing her trust once. And for that, I felt horribly bad enuff tt I didn't want to relive that moment that I would not invade her privacy ever again. It's still something I hold true to this day.

I told her, that it is my hope that if she ever finds someone or something ever happens, it'd better be worth it cos I'm not gonna put up with anymore excuses and reasons. I don't wanna keep going through all these things.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm the cause of it. Was it cos I didn't give enough? Was it cos I didn't commit enuff? Did I ask for it in some indirect way?

It's funny cos I was watching Tuesday With Morrie and they were talking about love. It's really about choices in life. Do I choose love or this career I got, forsakin all the supposed goodness in life? You know, tt kinda show. It's supposed to teach you the finer beauty in life. I was deliberating about hey, maybe I should put love in the front line but tt thought didn't stay. I somehow would've prefered to have gone the sure fire way. Work at being successful and least at the end of the day, I had a career even if I didn't have love, the inconstant love. Love is too much of a variable and a gamble to be put in the front line. And not to mention, one can't just survive on love. Is love gonna get you the finer things in life? Is it gonnna keep from being hungry?

Romantic as the thought may seem, in the world it's really not easy to just believe in that soley. Sure it's nice but not practical. i have my dreams I want to pursue and somehow, love didn't seem to have a place in them or a big help in gettin me nearer. I wish it would but somehow, not the love I believed I had.

I sometimes is it cos I don't allow it in. Is it because I feared love that I kept it sucha distance from my heart? I really wanna believe in the stories we so often hear and experience about. Maybe it's my heart tt's closed but I don't believe that would ever happen to me. Maybe we have to love a perosn enough, only then, can we feel this imaginary feeling.

Who really knows. What matters right now is to get my school sorted out. I'm slowly cutting down the schools better with my guide. And soon, I'll be applying for my SATs. But in the mean time, all I want is to get drunk silly and be recklesss. But again, the moolah. Life is so miserable. I can't even get 'happy' without worrying abt money.